Know any Psychiatrist jokes?

Question

I will start it off with a quick one. (Let's hear one from you too.)

Q. How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?

A. It only takes one, but it takes a long time, and the light bulb has to WANT to change.

The jokes are great. Keep them comming. Please come back here AFTER the winner is picked to continue to leave more jokes in the comment section. I have another good one which I will put in there myself.

Some one already told my other joke so I wont be leaving it in the commen section after all. This question was intended more as a source of entertainment for all, and less as a competition. Thank you all for your good jokes. Special thanks to Blue Juliet for the huge list and also to Vlad for being the only one to actually write the jokes for the occasion. Keep laughing in life on a daily basis. Humor keeps us all sane.

Answer 1

LOL Psychiatrist jokes, I know someone who would love this question.

Okay I Will see what I can come up with.

hmm... okay

A man is at therapy, The psychiatrist said, "so then you would say you are stuck deep inside a vicious circle?". "NO" the man replied " WHAT AM I PAY YOU FOR??, I have just spent the past 2 months explaining my vicious wife and I don't have sex!!

okay here is one for the over analysing psychiatrist, call him Jim,
Jim arrives at work in his usual fluster all "psyched" up for the day, his colleague politely says "good morning"
Jim spends all day thinking about it, then later he passes him by again, Jim shouts what " What the Hell did you mean by that!"

Okay last one -

A Psychiatrist is hard at work, his secretary comes in and tells him he has double booked, he thinks a moment and says

take this coat give it to the cleaner and tell him to sit in the other room at the desk.

All he has to do is just ask the man how he feels, pretend to write each time he answers and pause for 5 mins, then ask him how he wants to act when he feels that way, when 30 mins is up tell him time is up but to to take these tablets 3 times a day, and try to reflect on what they discussed, that's what I do, works like a charm"

Hope they where mildly funny at least.

Regards Armand

Answer 2

Dr. Leroy, the head psychiatrist at the local mental hospital, is examining patients to see if they're ready to reenter society. "So, Mr. Clark," the doctor says to one of his patients, "I see you've
been recommended for dismissal. Do you know what you will do once you're released?"

The patient thinks for a moment, then replies, "Well, I went to school for mechanical engineering. That's still a good field, good money there. But on the other hand, I thought I might write a book about my experience here in the hospital. People might be interested in reading a book like that. In addition, I thought I might go back to college and study art history, which I've grown interested in lately."

Dr. Leroy nods and says, "Yes, those all sound like intriguing possibilities."

The patient replies, "And the best part is, in my spare time, I can go on being a teapot!"

I see you're up for more ...



Patient: "I can't decide whether to slash my wrists, or blow my brains out."
Psychiatrist: "You have difficulty making decisions."

Patient to his psychiatrist: Doctor, I can't remember anything! I forgot what happened yesterday. I forgot what my car looks like. I can't even remember my own name.
Psychiatrist: How long have you had this problem?
Patient: What problem?


A noted psychiatrist was a guest at a party. His hostess naturally broached the subject in which the doctor was most at ease.

"Would you mind telling me, Doctor", she asked, "how you detect whether or not an individual is mentally challenged who appears to be completely normal?"

"Nothing is easier," he replied. "You ask them a simple question which everyone should answer with no trouble. If they hesitate, that puts you on the track."

"What sort of question?"

"Well, you might ask them, 'Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them. Which one?'"

The woman thought a moment, then said with a nervous laugh, "You wouldn't happen to have another example, would you? I must confess I don't know much about history."


I can't stop!


The psychology instructor had just finished a lecture on mental health and was giving an oral test.

Speaking specifically about manic depression, she asked, "How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?"

A young man in the rear raised his hand and answered, "A basketball coach?"


A woman goes into to see the psychiatrist about her low self-esteem. She is unhealthy, pale, and obese. After tearfully explaining her predicament, the doc says, "hmm, yes, could you please lie on the floor under the window?" "Now over next to the door." "Now under the bookshelves." "Thank you."

He then occupies himself with writing. The patient, exasperated, interrupts him and asks if he has anything he can offer her. "No, he says, you need to see your internist about your poor health." "Then what was all that stuff you had me do, lying on the floor?"

"Oh, I'm having a new white sofa delivered next week and was wondering where to put it."


Neurotics build castles in the sky.
Psychotics live in them.
Psychiatrists collect the rent.


AND, one more, not a psychiatrist joke, but a joke submitted by a psychiatrist to the LaughLab experiment at the University of Hertfordshire in the U.K. It won first place:

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"

And with that, I'm done!

Answer 3

A patient says to his psychiatrist," I have a hard time keeping friends and getting people to like me." The doctor says," Well why do you think that is?" The guy says," Hell, I don't know ,you fat bastard."

A psychiatrist says to his new patient, "What kind of work do you do?" The patient says, "I'm an auto mechanic." The doctor says," Get UNDER the couch."

The psychiatrist says to his patient, " I'm sorry I can't help you with your problem of premature ejaculation, but I CAN put you in touch with a woman with a short attention span."

M

Answer 4

A psychiatrist and his buddy have been sitting in a café " See that guy over there ? " mentioned the psychiatrist " He claims to be waiting to appreciate women human beings " " Is he a colleague of yours " asked the buddy " No " mentioned the psychiatrist " he's unquestionably one of my sufferers ""

Answer 5

GREAT Q!!! I SURE DO!
_________________________
Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline. If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly. If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2. If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5 and 6. If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line until we can trace the call. If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press. If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer.

Q: Did you hear one about the Psychiatric Chiropractor?

A: He specializes in attitude adjustments!

"Psychiatrist do it on the couch."

http://www.workjoke.com/projoke30.htm

http://www.grinningplanet.com/2004/03-18/psychologist-say-joke.htm
A man walked into a Psychiatrist's office with nothing but plastic wrap. The Psychiatrist said "Well I can cleary see your nuts."
http://www.jimjr.com/doc23.htm

THE BEST!!!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=br0SpQqMDPQ&search=frontier+psychiatrist
________________________________________________
I hope you have a good laugh!

Answer 6

a patient meets with a psychiatrist in his office and says I do not know what is wrong with me. I can not make connections with people for more than a minute. The psychiatrist says "next"!!!

Answer 7

Well I knew I saw this somewhere .

Little Johnny Stands Up

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks you're stupid, stand up!"
After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?"

"No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"

Answer 8

From the psychiatrists chair ...

You know you're being neurotic when you worry about things that didn't happen in the past instead of worrying about things that won't happen in the future like normal people

Answer 9

A guy goes to see a Psychiatrist. The Psychiatrist says "I'm going to give you a little test. I'll show you some images and you tell me whatever comes into your mind." The patient says "OK Doc, go ahead." The doctor shows him a picture of two circles, then asks "What do you see?" Patient says, "That's easy. It's a man and a woman in bed making love." The doctor says "OK, what do you see in this one?" and shows him a picture of two triangles. "Same thing," says the patient, "A man and woman in bed making love." "And this one, and this one?" asks the doctor, showing him pictures of two squares, then two diamonds. "They're both the same thing, Doc, same as the others.THEY'RE PICTURES OF A MAN AND A WOMAN IN BED MAKING LOVE!!!" The Psychiatrist looks at his patient, slowly strokes his beard and says "Your disorder is easy to diagnose, you are obviously oversexed." "I"M OVERSEXED!" Protests the patient, " YOU'RE THE ONE DRAWING ALL THE DIRTY PICTURES!!!"

Answer 10

The best psychiatry skit on tv I ever saw was Steven Wright was a patient going to his psychiatrist Rowland Atkinson. Rowland in the skit hated his patient was drawing hanging pictures of his patient. One day Steven came into a bar and there was his psychiatrist at a table of a bunch of others laughing and drunk. Rowland looks over at him and says, "That's him, hey Steven tell us about your mother."

Next scene is Rowland is running for his life in a forest and Steven has a high powered rifle hunting him.