10 YO step daughter argues me down about the size of a piece of lint and always has to be right...how to deal?

Question

If I ask her for example to take her umbrella she'll ask why. Me: because it's raining. her: nope not much (even if it's pouring down she says this). Me: OK well take it just in case it does rain more. Her: No because I know that it won't. If you get firm and say "Look! I'm putting this umbrella in your book bag and you’re taking it. She'll throw herself on the floor saying "No I'm not! You are wrong!" This has happened over everything from Dr's office check ups to a red crayon. Husband says nothing to her unless backtalk gets on HIS nerves otherwise she is allowed to talk to me as she pleases. Bio mother is across the country, requested joint custody, doesn't speak English but talks with step dau. weekly. Never met step dau until she came to live 6 mo ago. Husband says "absolutely not!" to any counseling or discipline ideas. Do I say "OK fine you are right." about everything (unless it's a safety issue) and let it go because she's so exhausting? How would you deal with this situation?

Thanks to everyone for their input even the critical ones. To answer some: He definately needs to "step up" but since he works 16 hours a day I have no choice but to be stuck supervising her. So it's not an option to just "let him deal with her" unless I leave the relationship (which I just may do).

Thanks to everyone for their input even the critical ones. To answer some: He definately needs to "step up" but since he works 16 hours a day I have no choice but to be stuck supervising her. So it's not an option to just "let him deal with her" unless I leave the relationship (which I just may do).

Sorry for the double post our little Diva just shook up a coke and opening it and my keyboard got drenched. I think this was accidental on her part. Any way...to answer my several harsh critics here: I spend so much time with her doing activities that we should be attatched at the hip. She's to a point that she EXPECTS my undivided attention when she's in the room! I love the time we spend together btw until she gets her "You are wrong and I'm right and you can't tell me anything!" attitude.

As for the poster Dawn you must be out of your flippin' MIND. Calling me a "Control freak" and asking me "Why do you care if she doesn't take an umbrella and gets wet?" I think you need to walk a mile in a step mom's shoes and marry a man who's kids treat you with distain and disrespect from day 1, when all you do is try to care for them. It would be poetic justice if that did occur. Your input to me was hostile and had a nasty tone so, you obviously have some unresolved issues with YOUR OWN step mother that have nothing to do with my situation so stop projecting your toxic overreactions onto me TYVM.

Answer 1

I have a almost 10 year old daughter, If she ever said to me "you are wrong" in a nasty attitude she would find herself bare bottomed and over my knee. She is still a little girl. her dad should be treating her as such. Never mind people saying stuff like your a control freak, gosh wonder what they would think about me, lol. I Have a 3, 7 and 9(almost 10) year old girls. My 7 year old hasn't been spanked in a while but I find my 9 year old is needing them on a weekly basis. From what I hear girls get worse around this age. just make sure her dad is doing the spanking since your the step mom.
Good luck

Answer 2

I have a step daughter of my own and I'm here to tell ya, it ain't easy. I think you are doing the best you can and that's all anyone can ask.
The girl is probably just as confused, if not more, than you are. She's at a difficult age anyway, then being uprooted on top of that is tough. I would guess that she wants to like you, but feels a loyalty to her mother and doesn't want to hurt her.
My only advice to you is to try to talk to her as a little adult. Explain that you know things aren't easy for her, but they aren't easy for you either and you'd both be better off if you can find a way to get along.
Just be patient, ( I know that's hard and it sucks when someone tells you that!) and good luck. You're gonna need it........

Answer 3

She is developing her own independance and feels she can make her own choices now. If she doesn't want the umbrella, then she doesn't want it.

If it starts pouring. Well guess what, I think she learned first hand a lesson. She has no one else but to blame herself since SHE made the choice not to take it.

It's called "cause and effect. Learning by doing and doing by learning". She won't learn how to make her own choices and the outcomes of her choices if you argue with it wanting her to choose your choice instead of her own.

You are too much involved in her choices and you are not respecting her. So, she is going to rebel against you and get upset about it.

You are not being a "Control freak". You just need to re-adjust your limits now that she is getting older and capable of making her own judgments. Especially about umbrella.

I doubt you would be submissive to your parents if they said to take one, when you felt it was not neccessary. So, give her that same respect.

AS I am reading on, you are her step parent. Another thing that is against you since kids are kids and feel if you not their "real" parent, you pretty much don't have too much say about her developmental choices. I have a step dad and I am in my 20's. I feel that way since I was your daughter's age.

Counseling is a good idea for ALL the family. Your daughter isn't just the problem. It is you and your husbands conflict of how to parent her too.

I would just say "It's raining outside. Do you think maybe you need an umbrella?"
Her: "Nah, I think I will be fine and I am sure I can find something to cover up with incase it did poor down".
Me: "Ok, just checking" and the topic is done and over with.

She let you know she is not interested, but responded to you by valueing your thoughts on the situation.

"You are wrong and I'm right and you can't tell me anything!" attitude."

Always stop and ask yourself "Am I doing the same behavior?". I think you are. Why? Because you already said you did by "Look! I'm putting this umbrella in your book bag and you're taking it". That statement you said and did told her "I am in charge and if I say you take it, that means you are taking it".

So, she is your mirror and you have to re-look at how you treat her too. Cuz, it seems she is fighting you on something you are fighting her exaclty the same on. A very big cycle.

I was and still am the same way with my step dad. I am my mom's mirror too. So, I know a little about personality conflicts when it is the same personality butting heads with eachother.

If his kids treated you like crap since day one, then honestly, that is partly your fault since you married him any way knowing this. You had a choice and you choose to marry into this situation.

I think you are trying to be a wonderful mother and doing your best. I honestly think you are doing a good job, judging by your concern.

Yet, sometimes doing what is right is doing nothing at all. There is times to pick your battles and to ignore them.

I do think your husband does need to step up and let her know she also needs to give some respect. However, he is a male and some males are the "eh. Whatever" attitude.

It can be a long process but how about you sit her down (go for ice cream or a girl's night out shopping or movie) and have a heart to heart talk with her.

Ask her questions like "what bothers you the most?" "What can you do, to make you both bond and not argue". LISTEN to her and try some of those things. Allow yourself to express your thoughts with out shutting her down on what she said. The only person that knows how to solve this is you two know eachother wants and needs and combine it to a healthy relationship of communicating and figuring things out.

Answer 4

She is not yours to spank, so don't do that! I had a stepdaughter that was exactly like that, in fact she would tell her father things about us that never even happened. The way I dealt with it was to just be agreeable. Instead of telling her what to do, you might ask her what she thinks. More like "it looks like it going to rain, do you think you might want your umbrella today?" And listen to what she says. If she doesn't want to take the umbrella, well that's her choice and if she gets soaked, well again her choice. This is a difficult situation for her too, so don't be too down on her or her father. Don't feel bad about her behavior, it isn't any reflection on you but you do need to try and be less controlling. Good luck!!!

Answer 5

So she has had to move across country at age 10 to live with a stranger and her behavior is less then stellar. Sounds like your main needs are her backtalk and her tantrums or outbursts and the need to make some new ground rules for how she is allowed to talk to you. And you are seeing that you can not win with her if you go head to head over anything. So you are ready to give it up unless she is in danger.

I think before I did that I would set some clear rules on a chart and sit her down and go over them with her. Offer reward if rules are followed and punishment if not. The the thing is to not get into battles with her. Stick to your guns and follow through with what you agreed on for her. Be very very consistent. Don't cut her slack cause you feel bad for her, or are tired of parenting her alone. She will learn to obey you, but it takes time. She has had six months to learn to run the house, it will take more then a couple weeks of firm parenting to stop that. I would definately try to get some breaks from her, if she has to spend more time with her dad then maybe he will stop feeling sorry for her and put on his i am the father hat KWIM? When you make the rules think of yourself as prsident of a $$$$$ company and make those rules simple and clear. Children that are dysfunctional, going through transitions like she is need things in CONCRETE. Make your expectations clear. Say, "I expect you to..."

This is not a behavioral contract you made with her help that she can negotiate, this is a chart you make that she follows. Pick behaviors that happen in your house on a daily or frequent basis that tick you off the most, such as doing homework, going to bed on time, being respectful to all family members, or doing chores. Give her points when you see her postive behavior, try hard to catch her being good and make Sure the reward is something that is of a lot of value to her. Good luck to you. And what you are doing is a really important thing, being a step mom can be thankless.

Answer 6

If you leave the relationship, she will get what she wants. Try to find a medium with her. If she wants to get soaked in the rain and look like a wet rat all day at school, let her. Choose the battles that you can win. Let the little ones go. Your life will be much simpler. As for the smart mouth, tell her that until she can speak to you with the respect you deserve, she can sit in her room. Then you can have a nice cup of tea ( or glass of wine!)

Answer 7

I think you are great stepping up and being a parent here. I think all the people who say that a step mom has no rights and that they need to "let the real parent deal with the kid" have no clue what they are talking about. It is people like this who practically encourage kids to start battles with their step parents. If a person is contributing to the financial and emotional support of a child, then it doesn't matter one bit if they are the blood parent or the step parent. People need to stop that crap about telling people that they need to stop trying to "parent" their stepkids. What are we suppose to do, wait till the "real parent" gets home to disapline them, or let them run all over us? Not hardly!

I will tell you, my stepson came to live with us in May because his mom was fed up with his awful behavior. They thought a change in environment would help, well it didn't. That kid made my life miserable. I don't know if I have ever been that stressed. He didn't want to change, and never felt remorse or guilt for the stuff he did, even when he was stealing from me and my family. I finally said, "Enough, is enough. Unless your get a grip on your kid, he has got to go back to his moms, cause I am not letting him tear my family and my marriage apart." My husband agreed, and he went back to his moms and she is putting him in military school. I have not felt this free for 4 months.

Now, I don't at all suggest that for your situation, but you need to show that little heffer that you are an authority figure in her life. You deserve respect, and if she won't give it willingly, force her. Take stuff away. Toys, games, movies, priviledges. Anything that will do the job.

I feel for you. I was there. I love my husband and his son, but I am not prepared to let his son control my life.

Contact my IM if you want.

Answer 8

I was a know-it-all daughter to my own mother, and also I have a very opinionated daughter, so it isn't the step relationship.

She's not disrespecting you; she is simply an eccentric little person who emphatically follows her own view of the world. It's not personal; keep in mind that your husband is subjected to it as well, he just responds differently.

My family treated me with lovingkindness. They put me 'in charge' of knowing what the weather would be like and telling THEM whether they needed raincoats, umbrellas, etc. (I was fifth out of seven and had four older sisters). My mom put me in charge of paying the utilities at age 11, and I had a checkbook, was taught how to audit the electric, gas and water meters and verify the phone bill. After I wrote out the checks, she would sign them. This fulfilled my little officiating nature quite well. I learned to organize and manage things so well, I was relied upon for all sorts of programs at school and mom's pet projects at home. My first job was as a manager of an arts and crafts room at a community center day camp--when I was 14!

My daughter was demanding, opinionated, and difficult as a small child, and is now a serene, sweet and patient young lady. I stayed in her good graces and only rarely pulled rank (sort of like how your husband handles it). I gave her the utilities to manage at age 11 also, so that she had SOMETHING to 'rule' over and take care of. I also got her a Boston Terrier puppy at that age and helped her care for it, but I encouraged her to read a lot and make as many of the decisions as possible since it was HER dog.

I hope this approach gives you a little insight into dealing with remarkable children. They can be difficult, but so rewarding if you work with them.

Answer 9

Unless it is a life altering situation why not say," fine you don't have to take your umbrella, how ever if it rains you will wish that you had. You are old enough to understand the consequences and I will trust you to make the right decision." Pick your battles wisely.. You have a tough situation on hand. If you step off, then maybe dad will have to step up.

Answer 10

well the introduction of step parents can be a hard transition for some kids. In my case my stepfather decided he was going to take the role of Dad and we never had a good relationship. My stepmother however always stood back at least when it came to discipline (that was my dad's job) but she was like a best friend to me growing up and that helped us to have a great relationship. It was a little rocky at first and I know I gave her a hard time the first year, but we grew really close. Counseling is something I would highly recommend.. it helps kids to talk their emotions out.