In desperate potty training need!!! 3.5 year old still having multiple accidents every day.?

Question

PLEASE help us. We have an exceptionally bright 3 1/2 year old who IS potty trained (she CAN do it - we do have occasional "perfect potty days" but still has multiple urine accidents most days.

As I said, I KNOW she can do it. Sometimes she gets wrapped up in what she's doing and either "forgets" to go or just doesn't get there in time, and I get that. When that happens, I take away that privilege for the rest of the day (eg: computer, tv time). What completely baffles me is that sometimes it seems completely random, like at dinner she just pees all over her chair. Everything I've read says not to punish or embarrass her, but I'm getting to a breaking point where I feel like she's making a choice and SHOULD be punished - but how?

My older daughter was potty trained right around her third birthday, and we really didn't have any accidents after that. The child in question here is a middle child who gets a decent amount of attention. She keeps saying "when I'm 4 I won't have accidents."

We've tried rewards (3 M&Ms each time she goes), and ice cream on completely perfect potty days - it just seems like that shouldn't be necessary anymore.

We also tried a potty timer - set it for every 30 minutes and made her go whether she said she had to or not. That helped, but didn't eliminate the accidents. (Then it broke, and that concept sort of got put by the wayside.)

Answer 1

my daughter is eight now but when she was around that age we had many problems with this. We tried to punish her but that did not work so we started a reward system i know that at this age you feel like you should not have to give them a reward but sometimes they want to feel like they have done something good and they want something out of all the work. So this is what we did. We went to the store and made a list of 4 toys under $5 that she wanted then we made a list of 2 toys under $10 then we bought a calender and some stickers and some m&ms. We hung the calender outside the bathroom door everytime she went potty she got a few m&m's at the end of the day if she did not have any accidents she got to put a sticker on the calender. At the end of the week if she went all week with out an accident she got a big sticker and a toy off the $5 list then after two weeks if she had no accidents she got a toy off the $10 list. When she did go we made such a big deal out of it she loved it we calpped and let her get her own m&m's it took a month, about $40 and a lot of time and effort but did worked and it was worth every cent

Answer 2

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Answer 3

1st of all......DON'T EVER PUNISH OR MAKE HER FEEL EMBARRASSED. The parents who put on the shirt of shame, should be ashamed themselves. Read anywhere or ask any pediatrician and they will say the same. That will only backfire. When a child is upset or ashamed it really will only make things worse. They just really can't help it at this age. She is only 3 1/2. I promise she will not be having accidents as an adult. When she is physically, emotionally and mentally ready, everything will click. Don't reward her though. Really don't pay much attention. Let her know you are very happy when she stays dry and when she has an accident tell her you are not mad but you want her to keep trying hard. AGAIN NEVER PUNISH. Ask you pediatrician if you don't believe me. It will do way more harm than good. Right now, just let her wear her panties but put the plastic panties over to protect her clothes. Everything will work out. One day you'll wake up and something will click and this will all be in the past. Goodluck.

Answer 4

My daughter is 3 years and 3 months old. She wears underwear through the day , and diapers through the night. She has accidents a lot also. She waits until she can no longer hold it , then rushes to the bathroom and ends up peeing in front of the toilet. When this happens I send her to her room for about 5 Min's. She used to do number 2 in the potty , but she has started doing that in her undies. Our second child is due in April. I am hoping to have her completely potty trained by then. It will just make my life so much easier. Keep encouraging her. Have you tried giving her candy every time she goes ? I know people say that we are not supposed to use bribery, but whatever works for us.

Answer 5

OH mama! Please don't punish that baby for having an accident! Are you observing her for signs that she needs to go? The best way I've found to potty train a child is to reward them every time they use the bathroom! This could be a small handful of M&M's or bubble gum or skittles (whatever she wants) The truth is she's getting attention when she has an accident! PRAISE HER! She can't get too much positive attention! It's a rough world out there and we all need a safe place at home. Try it. It can't do any harm!

Answer 6

First of all, quit comparing her to daughter number one. You have a different daughter here, and the last thing she needs in life is to spend it constantly being compared to number one as the ruler of her sucesses or failures. Doing this is setting them up to be rivals and resentful siblings.
That said, to deal with the accidents I don't suggest punishment, as such. That's not to say she doesn't have to deal with the consequences of her accidents. First off, I'd provide her with some really cute panties. Let her choose, Barbie, or some such- but pretty one's she chooses. Then pass the remark that these pretty undies won't stay pretty if they get wet on all the time. The next time she has an accident, stay calm. Inform her that accidents do happen, however- she had the accident and she needs to clean up after it. Provide whatever is needed to clean up the puddle, towels, then the soap/water/disinfectant to clean the surface. Let her do it all herself, you just stand by and provide direction. Then escort her to the bathroom and get herself cleaned and dried. Afterwards, have her wash and rinse out the panties.
The trick to potty training is to realize that most of it involves some brain maturation and some physical maturation. Your daugher has to learn to recognize the signal from the first muscle group as telling her that she needs to go. The second muscle set controling the bladder is not under her control, and when the bladder finally gets to the absolute fill point, there isn't any holding it anymore. If she is missing the first signal, it's all over from there on. She has to learn to pick up on that signal. She may not yet fully realize what it is, or has not realized she can't ignore it forever. Mentally bright doesn't always mean they get it all.
She may well be doing it for the attention, and it does seem to be working, doesn't it? In child psych/developement, this was known as "soggy cereal" attention getting. The child wants nice crispy cereal in nice cold milk. But they aren't able to have that, and soggy cereal is what is available- and soggy cereal is better than no cereal at all. So that's what they settle for. Your job is to provide the crispy choice.
Get the pretty panties, but just a few pairs- say three or so. Also get some of the thick ugly trainer potty pants- the ugly white ones. At the start of the day, provide a pair of pretty ones. If they get wet, don't get excited and don't over react. Go through the "clean up" I already discribed. Except, the change of panties is now a pair of the thick ugly ones. If she makes a remark, just explain that the pretty ones are for girls who are fully potty trained, and will be spoiled if they are always peed on. That's why the others are not pretty. Let it go at that. One nice pair per day, for the full day. Make a deal that if she can go say a week without a major accident- you will replace the ugly ones with enough pretty ones for every day wear. Otherwise, stick with the uglys as the second change of the day. Use a calendar or some such chart to keep track of the progress.
This is really using natural consequences for behavior changing. I imagine in your home, people are expected to pick up and clean up their messes- and this type mess should be treated no differently. It's not like a new rule just for her. She makes the mess- she cleans it. She doesn't make a mess, she gets the reinforcement of the pretty panties. Encourage her to suceed, remind her to go if she needs to, but don't harp about the mistakes. Don't insist on absolute dry- expect a few emergency runs that don't quite make the potty, so long as we aren't talking a puddle here. A dribble is not a big deal and will disappear on it's own. And for heaven's sake, quite holding up the elder daughter as the yardstick.

Answer 7

You are comparing two different children here. Each child is an individual. You are expecting your younger child to develop and progress the exact way your older one did, I pity your younger one. It has to be horribly emotionally abusive to have to live up to those expectations. So your oldest was potty trained by her third birthday, my daughter was potty trained just after her first birthday, lucky me. But I would never expect another child to do that. Even if it were my own child. Obviously you misread your own child, she may have the ability to go on the potty but she's not ready to do so on a regular basis, so you based your youngest's development on her sister's and now you are disappointed...you have no right to be. It is the poor child who should be disappointed because obviously she had two strikes against her right out of the womb.

Answer 8

Don't punish the kid it will be easier just to remind her to do it. if she is on the computer or watching TV she is just not experienced enough to know that she how long she has to get to the toilet. Put her back into diapers or those new pull-up things so you aren't cleaning up the mess. She might be embarrassed about the diapers but don't make a big deal about it. Three years is about the average age for kids but some are not ready. Good luck.

Answer 9

For some reason I think that potty training is silly. Only in the sense that there is no reason to rush your child. When they get tired of sitting in their "pee pee" or whatever, then they will learn. My son told me he was ready for big boy underwear and he wanted to pee like daddy, in the big boy potty. There are also lot's of cool potty books out there. Reading to your child is such a good way to bond and to teach. Especially at bed time.

Answer 10

try reminding her or taking her . she is only three not 23. shes still little and needs alot of reminders. before you put her to the table to eat take her and put her on the potty. dont let her get wrapped up in something else/ every so often take her potty.shes still a little girl and will need reminds a year so longer. my son is three and rarely as an accident. he just mastered the poty amonth and a half ago and i constantly remind him i will for a while still goos luck . get up and take her to the bathroom you are expecting to much from a 3 year old to always remember