ettiquette question?

Question

I have been asked to be a bridesmaid and happily accepted. She told me that she would pay for the dress ( I agreed on half of it) and time came to pay for the dress she wouldn't pay. Also my husband is a "back-up" groomsman and tuxes were supposed to be paid for and he ended up forking over 100 for the rental. Don't get me wrong I don't mind paying for things but after they said things were covered and especially the tux that he "might" get to wear. When I got married I paid for the girls dresses and the tux rentals. what is the ettiquette.

I don't mind paying for things but after they said they were paying? and for a tux my husband "might" use

Answer 1

bride or brides family pays for the girls,groom or grooms family pays for the guys.

Answer 2

Well, your husband rented the tux he "might" use. He had a choice in renting or not renting. I would never rent something that there was no 100% of using it. That is quite.....not the best choice. $100 down the drain.

I am the type of person who believes a person should keep their word. If she told me that she would pay for the dress, but I offered half, I expect I pay half and she pay the rest. If she went back on her word, I wouldn't buy it. Which the bride has two choices: to buy it or not to buy it.

Traditionally the bride buys the bridesmaids dresses (to which you got different responses from others too). The fact is, most weddings I been to and advice I been given is that the bride (or brides family) pays for her wedding party.

However, it is her wedding and it doesn't have to go like that. Yet, she said she would buy it and you offered to do half. That right there was an agreement. If she doesn't buy it, pretty much I wouldn't want to be in the wedding of someone who does things like that. No way I would buy a bridesmaid dress, especially if it is expensive and will only wear it "once" unless the gown is multi versatile to wear to other events.

That is just me though cuz I don't allow people to put me in that position.

Who does a back up groomsman???? That is extremely tacky and rude!

Answer 3

The rule is that each bridesmaid pays for her own dress. But your friend already agreed to pay for part of the dress. I would want to know why she changed her mind and whether this is the case with the other bridesmaids. Perhaps at first she offered to pay for everyone's dress but now realised, like many other brides, that she's overbudget and can't manage it.

If you feel uncomfortable, you should just politely decline. Also, there's no such thing as a backup groomsman. The bride and groom are supposed to ask men and women to be in their bridal party or not - there's no such thing as a backup and it would be really inappropriate to ask someone to be a backup and force him to pay for his tux in that manner.

If I were you, I would tell her that you and your husband both really wanted to participate, but it seems now that it would be better for both of you to graciously bow out of the bridal party. But you both can't wait to attend the wedding and see her on her big day!

Answer 4

Well, I personally don't base decisions on "tradition". I believe that if someone offers to help with a cost...great! If not, oh well. Where is it written in stone the do's and don'ts for weddings? DON'T HAVE A WEDDING IF YOU CAN'T AFFORD IT!!! I am very bothered by the fact that people expect their attendants to go through all the financial trouble for THEIR wedding day. Just pisses me off! And I am getting married this November, but I am paying for everything that I want. That's why I saved money and waited 2 years after the engagement.

So, as for your situation, you DID already offer to help with the cost. The fact that the bride didn't pay her part, is just something you should keep to yourself until after the wedding. Maybe after the wedding she will realize what happened. Sometimes us brides are just too stressed to think about these details. So I guess it just varies from person to person.

Just something to think about.

Answer 5

"Traditionally" yes, the bride's family paid for the bridesmaid dresses and accessories and the groom's paid for the tuxedos. Today, however, bridesmaids and groomsmen pay for their own attire and the bride and groom are only responsible for gifts for each of them. Your case is different however, since the bride said one thing and is doing another. Being a backup groomsmen is completely silly. I can't believe that she asked him to be one. Why not at least an usher??? Some people are so odd!

This stinks for you! I'm sorry you're stuck in this situation. If you are close enough with the bride (I should hope so, she asked you to be a bridesmaid!) I would simply give her a call, or when you see her, say, "I realize that weddings are expensive, so even though you agreed to pay for half of my dress, I just went ahead and paid for it, I hope this helps you out! Oh, and you had said that Joe's tuxedo would be paid for because he's just 'backup', but when we went to get it, they gave us the bill! We ended up putting it on our credit card. How does that work? Were you going to pay for all of them at once? Will they credit our credit card?"

If you don't feel ok doing it this way, I say just tell your husband to wear his tuxedo to the wedding, when she asks why just say, oh, he wanted to be ready just in case he was needed. :)

If you aren't close enough to her to worry about it, then tell her flat out that she agreed to pay for these things, and how was she going to work it out? It's pretty rude what she is doing, unless it's just the craziness of the wedding that has her brainless. It's possible. In which case, if you bring it up to her she'll be thankful that you reminded her!

Or, just decline to be in the party, though you've paid for the dress, and I doubt you can return it if it was purchased through a bridal shop.

I hope things get worked out.

Answer 6

It is bad etiquette for her to call your husband a back-up anything! That is so rude of her. You either invite people to be in the wedding party, or you don't-- none of this on-the-fence back-up craziness.

It is most common that bridesmaids do pay for all their attire, and it's the responsibility of the bride to pick out affordable things. The fact that she offered to pay and now won't is not so much an etiquette question as a screwed-up friend question. Sounds like she is not very respectful of others, and doesn't follow-though very well on the things that she promises.

I would just hold my tongue and pay if I were you. Even though the bride is in the wrong, it's not worth an argument.

Answer 7

I have never heard of the bride and groom paying for the bridal parties clothing. I paid for my own bridesmaid dress at my sisters wedding and every girlfriend I have has paid for their dresses when in a wedding party. I have always thought that was etiquette.

Answer 8

What is a "back up" groomsmen? Anyway - I think it was rude of your friend. I am offering to pay for half of the cost of the dresses for my bridesmaids because I know a few of them won't be able to afford the whole thing. She should have never promised something she wouldn't keep.

Answer 9

I thought the bridesmaid were supposed to pay for their own dresses and the grooms men paid for their own tuxes. But since your friend promised otherwise... all bets are off.

I would be frustrated too.

Answer 10

Bridesmaids and groomsmen are responsible for paying for their attire. I have never heard of a back-up groomsman, but it sounds really tacky. If one of your groomsmen backs out you just have uneven numbers. It's also tacky that the bride said she was paying for stuff and then changed her mind. This wedding sounds like it's a farce.

Answer 11

so don't pay, they lied to you, and don't be thier bridesmaid ?

Or give them a note as a gift, saying that they don't have to pay you back for the rest of the dress or the tux rental, tell them you paying for it was your present to them.

Most likely they ran out of money, spent more for the wedding than they had