My wife is in a really pissy mood today. Tell me a good joke or story I can share with her to cheer her up.?

Answer 1

Female Hormones

DANGEROUS: What's for dinner?
SAFER: Can I help you with dinner?
SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner?
ULTRA SAFE: Here, have some chocolate.

DANGEROUS: Are you wearing that?
SAFER: Gee, you look good in brown.
SAFEST: WOW! Look at you!
ULTRA SAFE: Here, have some chocolate.

DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about?
SAFER: What did I do wrong?
SAFEST: Here's fifty dollars.
ULTRA SAFE: Here, have some chocolate.

DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that?
SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left.
SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine with that?
ULTRA SAFE: Here, have some chocolate.

DANGEROUS: What did you do all day?
SAFER: I hope you didn't overdo it today.
SAFEST: I've always loved you in that robe!
ULTRA SAFE: Here, have some more chocolate.

13 Things PMS Stands For:
1. Pass My Shotgun
2. Psychotic Mood Shift
3. Perpetual Munching Spree
4. Puffy Mid-Section
5. People Make me Sick
6. Provide Me with Sweets
7. Pardon My Sobbing
8. Pimples May Surface
9. Pass My Sweatpants
10. Pissy Mood Syndrome
11. Plainly; Men Suck
12. Pack My Stuff...... ..And my favorite one...
13. Potential Murder Suspect

Pass this onto your girlfriends who might need a good laugh! Or men
who
need a warning! And remember: Money talks...chocolate sings.

Another giggle... My boyfriend, unhappy with my mood swings, bought
me a mood-ring to monitor my moods. When I'm in a good mood, it
turns green. When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a big red mark on his
forehead. Maybe next time he'll buy diamonds.

Have some chocolate.


A man wanted his 70 year old wife killed and asked the killer how he would do it. Killer replied I'd shoot below her left nipple. The Husband said i want her dead, not kneecapped.

*The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged they had covertly funded a project with the U.S. automakers for the past five years, whereby the automakers were installing black box voice recorders in pick-up trucks.
This was done in an effort to determine, when accidents occurred, the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the crash. They were surprised to find in 49 of the 50 states the last words of drivers in 61.2 percent of crashes were, "Oh, ****".
Only the state of Montana was different, where 89.3 percent of the final words were:
"Hold my beer and watch this!"
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*A woman sends her husband out to buy some escargot
for a dinner party that night. Instead of going
straight to the store, the husband decides to stop
at a local bar. He has a few beers, and then some
more, and pretty soon he looks at his watch and finds
he's over an hour late for the dinner party. He
dashes to the store, picks up the escargot, and
frantically heads home.
When he walks in the door, he's greeted with his wife demanding from the kitchen, "What took you so long?"
So, throwing the snails on the floor as his wife enters the hall, he says, " Aw c'mon guys, we're nearly there!"
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*The teacher asks Jessica: "What part of the human body increases to 10 times it's normal size when excited?"
Jessica responds: "That's disgusting! I don't have to answer that question!"

So the teacher asks little Johnny, who responds: "That's easy...the pupil of the eye."
"That's correct, Johnny. Very good!"

And turning to Jessica, she says: "I've three things to say to you, young lady... first, you didn't do your homework; second, you have a dirty mind; and third, you're in for a big disappointment!"
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*A blonde is driving down an old country road when she spots another blonde in a wheat field rowing a boat. She pulls over to the side of the road and stops the car. Staring in disbelief, she stands at the side of the road to watch the woman for a while.
When she can't stand it any more, she calls out to the blonde in the field, "Why are you rowing a boat in the middle of the field?"

The blonde in the field stops rowing and responds, "Because it is an ocean of wheat."

The blonde standing at the side of the road is furious. She yells at the blonde in the field, "It is dumb blondes like you that give the rest of us a bad name."

The blonde in the field just shrugs her shoulders and carries on rowing.

The blonde on the side of the road is beside herself and shakes her fist at the blonde in the field yelling, "If I could swim, I would come out there and kick your butt."
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*1st man - "McDougall’s dead. He fell into a vat of whisky."
2nd man - "What a shame. Was it a quick death?"
1st man - "I don’t think so. He came out twice to go to the toilet."
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*An Irish priest and a Rabbi are involved a car accident. They both get out of their cars and stumble over to the side of the road.
The Rabbi says, "Oy vey! What a wreck!"
The priest asks him, "Are you all right, Rabbi?"
The Rabbi responds, "Just a little shaken."
The priest pulls a flask of whiskey from his coat and says, "Here, drink some of this it will calm your nerves." The Rabbi takes the flask and drinks it down saying, "Well, what are we going to tell the police?"
"Well," the priest says, "I don't know what your after tellin' them. But I'll be tellin' them I wasn't the one drinkin'."
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*One fine sunny morning, the priest took a walk in the local forest. He had been walking by the small stream when he noticed a very sad looking frog sitting on a toadstool.

"What's wrong with you?" said the priest.

"Well," said the frog, "the reason I am so sad on this fine day is because I wasn't always a frog."

"Really!" said the priest. "Can you explain!"

"Once upon a time I was an 11 year old Choir boy at the local church? I too was walking through this forest when I was confronted by the wicked witch of the forest. 'Let me pass!' I yelled, but to no avail. She called me a cheeky little boy and with a flash of her wand, turned me into this frog you see before you."

"That's an incredible story,” said the priest. "Is there no way of reversing this spell that the witch has cast upon you?"

"Yes" said the frog, "It is said, that if a nice kind person would pick me up, take me home, give me food & warmth and with a good nights sleep would wake up a boy once again."

"Today's your lucky day!" said the priest, and picked up the frog and took him home. The priest gave the frog lots of food, placed him by the fire and at bedtime put the frog on the pillow beside him. When the priest awoke, he saw the 11-year-old Choirboy beside him in bed,

"And that m'lawd, is the case for the Defense....... "
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*An elderly man moved into a nursing home. After he'd been there a few days, a nurse noticed him leaning to the right, and strapped his left arm to the chair. A few days later, she noticed him leaning to the left, and so she strapped his right arm to the chair. Not long after that, she noticed him leaning forward in his chair, so she strapped him to the back of the chair.
His daughter came to visit him.
"How do you like this place?" she asked him.
"It's not bad," he replied, "except
they won't let me fart."
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*There once was a very happy truck driver that was eating in a diner one night. Three bikers came and proceeded to pick on the truck driver by pouring pepper and salt all over him, spitting in his coffee, and stealing his food. The truck driver didn't do anything, just stood up, paid his bill, and left the diner.
"That truck driver isn't much of a fighter," said one of the bikers.
The girl behind the counter, peering out into the night, added, "He doesn't seem like much of a driver either. He just ran his truck right over three motorbikes."
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*Two Scottish guys get off a ship and head for the nearest bar at the pier.
Each one orders two whiskeys and immediately downs them. They then order two more whiskeys, and quickly throw them back. They then order another two whiskeys each.
One of the men picks up one of his drinks, and turning to the other man, says, "Sláinte!"
The other man turns to the first and says, "Hey, did you come here to gossip, or did you come here to
Drink?
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*A woman walks into a supermarket and buys:

1 bar of soap
1 toothbrush
1 tube of toothpaste
1 loaf of bread
1 pint of milk
1 single serving of cereal
1 single serving frozen dinner
1 can of Soup For One
1 can of Tennents Lager

The guy at the checkout looks at her and says, "Single, are you?"

The woman smiles sweetly and replies, "Why yes, how did you guess?"

He replies, "Because you're incredibly ugly."
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*A blonde goes horse back riding. It starts out slow, but then it starts to gallop. The blonde is enjoying herself. All of a sudden she slips off and her foot gets caught in the reins. The horse doesn't stop and the blonde is still being dragged upside down. She doesn't know what to do. Finally the Wal-Mart manager comes and unplugs it.
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*Kelly limps into his favorite pub...

My god! What happened to you?" the bartender asked Kelly as he hobbled in on a crutch, one arm in a cast.

"I got in a tiff with Riley", whispered Kelly to the beertender.

"Riley? He's just a wee fellow," the barkeep said surprised.
"He must have had something in his hand."

"That he did," Kelly said. "A shovel it was."

"Dear Lord. Didn't you have anything in your hand?"

"Aye, that I did - Mrs. Riley's right tit." Kelly said.
"And a beautiful thing it was, but not much use in a fight!"




*A man walks into a bar and orders a triple scotch. The barman gives it to him and he gulps in down in one swoop.
"Hey buddy, you must be having it rough. Whats up with you?" says the bartender.
"Well, I got home early from work last night and found my wife and my best friend in bed with each other!"
"That’s terrible pal, the next drink is on the house." So the bartender gives him another triple scotch and again he gulps it down. "If you don't mind me asking, what did you say to your wife?"
"I told her I've had enough and I want a divorce!"
"Good for you! You said the right thing. So what did you say to your best friend?"
"Well, I walked up to him, looked him straight in the eyes and said... ...BAD DOG!"

*SECRET DIARY OF A CAT
DAY 752 - My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from shredding on the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant and cough it up on the carpeting.

DAY 761 - Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair... must try this on their bed (again).

DAY 762 - Slept all day so that I could annoy my captors with sleep depriving, incessant pleas for food at ungodly hours of the night.

DAY 765 - Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in
attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was ...Hmmm. Not working according to plan...

DAY 768 - I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called "shampoo." What sick minds could invent such a liquid. My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth and the tiny bit of flesh under my claws.

DAY 771 - There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.

DAY 774 - I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird, on the other hand, has got to be an informant. He has mastered their frightful tongue (something akin to mole speak) and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured.

But I can wait; it is only a matter of time....

Answer 2

What do you call a dead blonde in the closet?




Hide and Seek Champ 2004! Haha


Its ok to tell it because I am a blonde and I love blonde jokes!

Answer 3

Yeah take her out to eat, just a joke might not cheer her up lolz...

Answer 4

certain! i have in reality locked myself in my room and havent logged into any of my on the spot messagers... i in basic terms wanna calm down on my own at present, nicely i might want to examine with one individual yet their not the following.

Answer 5

Maybe you could buy her something sweet, like flowers or something.. or take her out to eat?

Answer 6

just leave her at home and go have fun