Can You Make Me Laugh?

Question

The only time I can honestly laugh is if something is down right hilarious. Most of the time it would have to be something happening right in front of my face. I need a good laugh now. I wanna see who can crack me up the most. Winner gets 10 points! Your Momma jokes are welcome.


People, please vote, too. I might need help picking a winner!
I'll pick a winner as soon as Yahoo! Answers allows it!

Answer 1

A woman was thinking about finding a pet to help keep her company at home. She decided she would like to find a beautiful parrot. It wouldn't be as much work as a dog, and it would be fun to hear it speak.

She went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large beautiful parrot. She located the owner of the store and asked the price of the bird. The owner said it was $50.00. Delighted that such a rare, beautiful bird wasn't more expensive, she agreed to buy it. The owner looked at her and said, "There is one thing I think you need to know about this bird. It used to live in a whorehouse and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."

The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird. She told the owner that she still wanted the bird. The pet shop owner sold her the bird and she took it home. She hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something. The bird looked around the room, then at her and said, "New house, new madam". The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought, that's not so bad. A couple of hours later, the woman's two teenage daughters returned from school. When they inspected the bird, it looked at them and said, "New house, new madam, new whores". The girls and the woman were a bit offended at first, but then began to laugh about the situation. A couple of hours later, the woman's husband came home from work. The bird looked at him and said, "New house, new madam, new whores, Hi George!"

Answer 2

A little boy blows up his balloon, and starts flicking it all over the house with his finger. His mother tells him to stop,as he is liable to break something. The boy continues. "Johnny! Knock it off," his Mom screams," you are going to break something!" He stops, and eventually Mom leaves for a short trip to the shopping center. Johnny starts up with the balloon again. He gives it one last flick, and it lands in the toilet. Mom comes in and while putting away the groceries, gets the urge. A diarrhea run! She can hardly make it to the toilet on time and SPLASH, out it comes! When she is finished, she looks down and can't believe what she is seeing. She is not sure what that big brown thing is in the toilet. She calls her doctor. The doctor is baffled as she describes the situation, but he assures her that he'll be over shortly to check it out.
When he arrives, she leads him to the bathroom. He gets on his knees and takes a long hard look at the thing. Finally he takes out his pen, and sort of touches it to see what it might be. POP! The balloon explodes and **** is everywhere, on him, the walls etc.
"Doctor, Doctor are you alright?" she asks.
He says," I have been in the business for 30 years, and this is the first time I have ever actually seen a fart!!!
You're laughing, aren't you?

Answer 3

The Perfect Husband

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker- function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello"
WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes"
WOMAN: "I'm at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2007 models. I saw one I really liked."
MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "$65,000."
MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing. The house we wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000."
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer $900,000."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"MAN: "Bye, I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment. Then he smiles and asks: "Anyone know whose phone this is?"

Answer 4

Right here's a good one.

A panda walks into a cafe. He orders some food and ate his lunch. After he ate his lunch, he gets a gun out and shoots everyone apart from a waitress. The waitress says:"Why did you do that for?" The panda says:"Try looking it up on the encyclopedia." and he left the cafe. The waitress goes to the library and gets the encyclopedia out and finds the page where she read:

Pandas: Eats shoots and leaves.

Get it? Get it? If you don't get it, at least I tried.

Answer 5

your mommas lips are so big,she uses a paint roller to put on lipstick

Answer 6

If I could tickle your azss with a feather i could.

Answer 7

u r so fat when u cut yourself u bleed gravy.

Answer 8

hmm, i got nothin.