2006-09-16 07:12:41 · 13 answers · asked by ♫♪♫TAY-LUR♫♪♫ 3 in Entertainment & Music ➔ Jokes & Riddles
The longer the joke the better!
2006-09-16 07:34:56 · update #1
Ways To Piss Off A Cop
When you get pulled over, say "What's wrong, ossifer, there's no blood in my alcohol?"
When he asks why you were speeding, tell him you wanted to race.
When he talks to you, pretend you are deaf.
If he asks if you knew how fast you were going, say no, my speedometer only goes to......
When he asks why you were speeding, tell him you were rushing home because you realized you forgot your helmet. (Particularly good in those Helmet Law states!)
Ask him where he bought his cool hat.
Refer to him by his first name.
Pretend you are gay and ask him out. When he says no, cry. If he says yes, accuse him of sexual harassment.
If the cop is a woman, tell her how ugly she is, but in a nice way.
If he asks you to step off the bike, automatically throw yourself onto his hood.
When he asks you to spread them, tell him you don't go that way.
When he puts the handcuffs on, say "Usually my dates buy me dinner first"
Ask to be fingerprinted with candy, cause you don't like ink on your fingers.
After you sign the ticket and give it to him, say "Oops! That's the wrong name."
Bribe him with donuts.
When he comes up your bike, say "License and registration, please" right when he says it.
When he goes to read you your rights, sing "La La La, I can't hear you!"
Trip and fall into him. Accuse him of police brutality when he pushes you away.
Before you sign the ticket, pick your nose. You have to sign with his pen.
Chew on the pen, nervously.
Clean your ear with the pen.
If it's a click pen, take it apart and play with the spring.
Ask if he has a daughter. If he says yes, say I thought the name sounded familiar.....
Ask him if he ever worked in a prison. If he says yes, ask him how the plumbing was.
Act like you are retarded.
When he's telling you what you did wrong, start repeating him, quietly. Or mumble to yourself. When he tells you to stop, say what are you talkin' about man?
Drive to Dunkin Donuts and say hmmm....only 5 of you here tonight.......
When he comes up to your bike, say I have a badge just like yours!
Ask if he watches Cops.
Ask if ever watched Cop Rock. Giggle if he did.
Talk to your hand.
Ask if he knows someone named Rosy Palm and her Five Favorite Friends. Accuse him of Sexual Harassment if he does.
When he frisks you, say You missed a spot, and grin.
When he asks to inspect your bike, say there is no alcohol on my bike, sir, the last cop got it.
Try to sell him your bike.
Ask if you can buy his car.
If he takes you to the station, ask to sit in front.
If you know him, say you had his wife for dinner.
If you don't know him, ask if you can have his wife for dinner. Oops...I meant OVER for dinner.
Ask if he ever had pu-tang. If he asks what it is, point at him and giggle.
If there is someone else on the bike with you, talk to each other in tongues. When he acts confused, keep talking, look at him and laugh.
When you are in the back of his car, touch his neck through the fencing.
When he pulls out his night stick, say what you gonna do with that. If you are female, say I don't do that on the first date.
If he sticks you in the back of the car, cower in the corner, suck your thumb, and whine.
Ask if you can see his gun. When he says you aren't allowed, tell him I just wanted to see if mine was bigger.
Stare at his lights and say "Look at the pretty colors!"
Tell him you like men in uniform.
Ask if you can borrow his uniform for a Halloween party.
While he is sitting in his car running your plates and license, whip it out and pee on one of his tires.
Touch his shirt and say "hey man, you got a booger on your shirt" when he looks down do the nose bump thing and say "Damn, cops are so stupid".
Every time he tries to use his radio, squeal like a pig as loud as you can.
Ask him if he feels like a BIG MAN just because he has a gun.
Laugh until he asks you why and tell him you think it's funny that he didn't see you throw your stash in the bushes so he can't prove it's yours. After him and his co-cops spend an hour looking for it admit that you were just kidding.
Keep staring at him until he asks you why you are doing it. Tell him that you once got drunk and humped a monkey and you are wondering if he is your son.
If he/she frisks you, moan loudly and say things like "oh, baby", "OH YES, YES" and of course the old standard "a little to the left, baby".
Accuse him of sleeping with your wife. When he denies it, tell him he should try her. After all, she's a lot better in the sack than HIS wife.
Ask him if he became a cop because of the low I.Q. requirements.
When he asks to see your license, ask to shoot his gun.
When he says "Please step off the bike" say, "I cant, you get on."
Ask him if you can be his date for the Policemen's Ball.
Look at his head, then ask, "Who cuts your hair?"
Ask him, "If you aren't allowed to drink & drive, then why do they put parking lots around bars???"
When asked to see your license and registration, ask to see naked pictures of his wife. If he says he does not have any, ask if he would like to buy some. Then say, "What a firecracker!"
When the cop says, "Your eyes are bloodshot have you been drinking?". Reply with "Your eyes are glazed have you been eating donuts?"
When he asks for your license, say "You're not gonna check my saddlebags, are ya?"
Ask him if he has a brother named Barney.
While he is walking back to run your info in his car look over your shoulder and crank your bike like you're gonna try to get away!
Ask if he can smell his daughter on your breath.
When pulled over by the Highway Patrol. Ask if you can buy some tickets to the Highway Patrolman's Ball. They usually reply that Highway Patrolmen don't have balls. Then shake your head & laugh.
When the cop asks you why you didn't stop right away, just tell him, "I wasn't sure if the flashing lights behind me were a cop or if it was just the acid kicking in."
If he comes over to your bike & starts talking, ignore him. When he tells you to answer, just say, "Mom told me not to talk with strangers."
When he/she asks if you have any drugs or firearms say "sure whatta ya need?"
2006-09-16 07:39:09 · answer #1 · answered by babyblue 2 · 1⤊ 2⤋
A blind man walked into a lumber yard and asked the manager for a job as a lumber sorter. The manager was inclined to say no, but feared charges of job discrimination. So he decided to give the man a test, which he was sure the blind man couldn't pass.
The manager said to his pretty, young secretary, "Go in the back and get a board from that new shipment."
She returned and place the board in front of the blind man, who bent down and sniffed the board. "That's white pine and it's only 6 weeks old."
The manager was taken aback, but ascribed the feat to a lucky guess. He asked his secretary to bring a board from one of the oldest lumber piles in the yard.
The blind man sniffed the plank and said, "That's black walnut. It's 15 years old, and it's been stored under some oak boards."
Now the manager was worried. He was sure if he hired the man, he would be leaving himself open for job-related injuries and lawsuits which would surely follow.
So he turned to his secretary and whispered, "Take off your panties and give them to me." The girl complied after some hesitation. The manager set them on the counter in front of the man, saying "OK, If you can identify this one, you're hired."
The blind man sniffed carefully and said, "That's a tough one. Turn it over." The manager smiled and complied, knowing he had the blind man stumped.
The blind man sniffed again and shouted, "I've got it. It's 21 years old, and it's the sh*thouse door off a tuna boat. Now do I get the job?"
2006-09-16 20:55:51 · answer #2 · answered by giko 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
A couple was golfing one day on a very, very exclusive golf course lined with million-dollar houses.
On the third tee, the husband said, "Honey, be very careful when you drive the ball. Don't knock out any windows. It'll cost us a fortune to fix."
The wife teed up and shanked it right through the window of the biggest house on the course.
The husband cringed and said, "I told you to watch out for the houses. All right, let's go up there, apologize, and see how much this is going to cost."
They walked up and knocked on the door. A voice said, "Come on in. They opened the door and saw glass all over the floor and a broken bottle lying on its side in the foyer.
A man on the couch said, "Are you the people who broke my window?"
"Uh, yeah. Sorry about that," the husband replied.
"No, actually, I want to thank you. I'm a genie who was trapped for a thousand years inside that bottle. You've released me. I'm allowed to grant three wishes -- I'll give you each one wish, and I'll keep the last one for myself."
"Okay, great!" the husband said. "I want a million dollars a year for the rest of my life."
"No problem -- it's the least I could do. And you, what do you want?" the genie said, looking at the wife.
"I want a house in every country of the world," she said.
"Consider it done," the genie replied.
"And what's your wish, genie?", the husband said.
"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, I haven't had sex with a woman in a thousand years. My wish is to sleep with your wife."
The husband looked at the wife and said, "Well, we did get a lot of money and all those houses, honey. I guess I don't care."
The genie took the wife upstairs and ravished her for two hours.
After it was over, the genie rolled over, looked at the wife, and said, "How old is your husband, anyway?"
"Thirty-five," she replied.
"And he still believes in genies? ... That's amazing."
2006-09-16 07:54:36 · answer #3 · answered by Trina T 2 · 4⤊ 0⤋
intercourse Pistols exhilaration branch The conflict The Smiths Minor probability Nirvana Radiohead The Libertines UNKLE Arctic Monkeys I choose contemporary bands. Rock and rap are considered as opponents extra via followers of hip hop. whilst some rock and rap artists come mutually yet it could sound depraved. i'm unsure who inspired Bob Marley to make reggae by using fact he substitute into noticeably a lot the 1st mainstream reggae artist
2016-10-01 00:54:16 · answer #4 · answered by blumenkrantz 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Mickey Mouse Divorcing
Mickey and Minnie Mouse were at court for divorce proceedings. The judge told Mickey, "Look here Mickey Mouse, I can't grant you a divorce from Minnie!"
Mickey Mouse was stunned and asked, "Why not???"
The Judge said, "I've reviewed all the information you gave to the court, but I can't find any evidence at all to support the grounds that she is crazy!"
Mickey Mouse says, "Your Honour! I didn't say she was CRAZY, I said she was f**ing Goofy!"
2006-09-16 19:33:21 · answer #5 · answered by Nevar 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
My all time favorite:
A man walks into a car dealership and notices the car of his dreams. He walks over to inspect it and as he leans over to feel the fine leather upholstry, he breaks wind. Nervously, he looks around to make sure nobody had heard. Just then a salesman walks over to the man and asks, "How can I help you, sir?"
The man asks, "What's the price of this car?"
The salesman replies, "Frankly, sir, I'd rather not say."
"Why not?" asks the man.
"If you farted just touching it, you'll s h i t when you hear the price."
2006-09-16 08:04:50 · answer #6 · answered by Bubba 3 · 2⤊ 0⤋
u wanna hear a dirty joke : boy fell in the mud
u wanna hear a clean joke: boy took a bath with bubbles
u wanna hear a dirty joke : bubbles is Michael Jackson
2006-09-16 08:23:55 · answer #7 · answered by kropogs_5_20 2 · 0⤊ 1⤋
OK, it's kinda silly, but here goes...
Knock, knock
Who's there?
Atch
Atch who?
God Bless You
2006-09-16 07:24:18 · answer #8 · answered by STONE 5 · 0⤊ 2⤋
well here it goes please pic mine
there are four men on a cliff and this magic man said jump off and say what you want to be and you will turn into it so the black man says ok so he jumps off and he says SHHIIIIIIIIT!!! and he turns into **** the white man says haha stupid and he says ok my turn so he jumps off and says HOOOOLYYY COOOOOW!!! an he turns into a cow that has been shot several time then the bumb says my turn and he jumps off and says MOOONEEYYY!!! and he turns into money then the indian says well here goes nothing he jumps off and says I WANT TO BE AN EAGLE so he turns into an eagle and flys away
2006-09-16 07:39:29 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 4⤋
ok, there were three girls who go into a store and start steeling stuff, one blonde, on e brunett, and one red head. a cop comes in and sees them steeling stuff and chases them, when hes not looking they each jump into a big sack, the cop kicks the one with the brunett in it first, she says woof!, so he figures it must be a dog, then he kicks the one with the red head in it, she says meow, so he figures it must be a cat, he kicks the one with the blonde in it and she says, POTATOE!
2006-09-16 07:22:39 · answer #10 · answered by Bill B 2 · 1⤊ 4⤋
why did the hen go into the toilet?
where all the cock's hang out
2006-09-16 07:46:10 · answer #11 · answered by liammc18 1 · 0⤊ 5⤋