how do u talk to a 4 year old about death?

Question

my son keeps asking me if he is going to get old and die one day...and wants to know if his grandpa is going to die...I told him yes, one day a long time from now..he didn't like that so he cries...but he keeps asking me the same question..I know he don't understand fully..but what else do I say to him..i just tell him we will talk later about it....so I could use some advice on this subject

my son was at the hospital when his great granpa died..that was almost 2 years ago and he never asked questions until now....I thank you all for your advice

Answer 1

Becca Boo seems to be ignoring that this child asked about death. Even if he hadn't asked, talking early and naturally about death is the best way, i think, because it helps kids understand early on that death is part of life. sad to say, but it is.

Since he keeps asking the same questions, perhaps he is not getting the answer he needs. Have you tried to get him to talk, rather than trying to answer?

My precious precious father just died and I'm kind of amazed at how accepting my children are - I gave them a more accepting view of death than I'd been raised with. Lucky them. Our youngest told me the other day, "When poppop died, I was so sad my eyes hurt, my chest hurt like it would burst, and my stomach hurt." He cried and cried all day (it happened unexpectedly while we were visiting.)

We talk about my dad a lot. We cry, we laugh, we remember, we wish.

Is your father sick? If not, sounds like your son is figuring things out and associating being older with dying. If his grandfather is sick and your son is possibly overhearing things and wants someone to be straight with him about it, this could keep him asking.

The book "Freddy The Leaf" is nice and about death.

When your son says, "Is grandad going to die?" instead of answering you could say, "Is this something you're worried about?" of "Do you think so, honey?" Acknowledge that it will be very sad to lose him and emphasize that that is why we humans, when we're aware, try very hard to make every day the best possible, to see and talk to the people we care about, and to use our own life in our best possible way. I prefer not to lie to kids that we know anything at all about what happens after death. All we know is what some people hope happens, and I don't think, all in all, that these lies have been helpful for telling children.

Good luck to you. You have an obviously smart and introspective child.

Answer 2

First of all there is nothing strange about a four year old asking questions, even about death, they would have to live in a vacuum to not have been exposed in one way or another. He sounds like a very bright and intuitive young man.

Do not make anything up, he needs to trust that you will always be honest with him, and don't give any long explanations. He does not need all the details. Ask him why he wants to know and how he feels about it. Tell him that he is thinking about very grown up things, and he is very clever, but children his age are supposed to have fun and let the grownups worry about grown up things. He needs comfort more than information.

My 4 yr old daughter has experienced death with a loved family pet and just this week her grandpa did die. I have been honest with her without going into to much detail and she is doing fine. I also have no problem telling her that either I don't know something, if I don't, or I will talk to her about it when she is older. She is a very inquisitive child, but she accepts these answers.

An anthropologist did a study and found that children who are overly protected from the realities of life have more trouble later on. It is a fine line between keeping things honest and preserving innocence but parenting is a tough job.

I think the most important think is asking him why he is asking and how he is feeling. Once you find that out you will better understand how to answer him. If he begins to obcess about death you may then need to seek professional guidance.

Good Luck.

Also, because you keep telling him you will tell him later he keeps asking later, if he gets an answer one way or another he will stop asking.

Answer 3

Hi, Here I am again.

I have learned from taking care of Hospice Patients, that it is not about "Death". It is about a new beginning, without the visible self. Grandpa will still be here, watching over your childs shoulder. If he lets grandpa know he is wondering about him, grandpa will give him the answer in time, when he is ready.

Between you and I and the deep blue sea, I think that he will really still be here, and just in another dimension. Children are still capable of seeing humans auras, and relatives that have crossed over. That special something we have as children is manipulated out of us, and we are shaped into a fast lane, perfumed, high rev society, forgetting all of the special gifts we were born with.

I have seen more than one spirit, connected to the person I am caring for. Your son is probably asking you about his grandpa, in the only word he is familiar with. Maybe you can read him the Velveteen Rabbit. A great story for a child.
More than likely, another relative is visiting him, especially at night. If he understood a little more about the fact that he is special to be getting visits from a relative,, he probably won't even be concerned, and begin to enjoy, and understand the visits. This, I truly believe, having had visits from departed ones. It should be a joyous occasion. You can light a candle for grandpa on his birthday, and make it a ritual every year, and forever, and it will become a family tradition, and your son will do the same for his grandchildren. If you have his picture around, maybe you can find one of him when he was a boy, so your son can relate on a different level. Grandfather will never leave completely, he will always be here, your son will carry him in his heart of hearts.
See you in my dreams..........Marilyn

Answer 4

It's not unusual for kids to ask about death. It ranks up there with "where do babies come from?" You've said the right things to him, and he has to deal with the "grief" of knowing he and everyone will die in their own time. He'll continue to ask questions, and I would answer them the exact same way you already have. If he starts to make a game out of it, then stop answering him, but at 4 he'll keep asking until he understands that the answer isn't going to change. It's important that you don't ignore him or get irritated because then he'll learn that his questions aren't important to you, and he'll stop asking. Which is a bad thing in the long run.

We had to deal with this in a lot worse way. My 8 year old nephew died 3 years ago of cancer, and we had to explain to my kids who were 7 and 5 at the time, that sometimes people die. It's harder when it's someone so close to you, and especially when it's someone who is so close to them in age. We found a lot of books on the subject, MANY of them written for kids. Those helped a bit, but they still had to deal with the grief in their own ways, in their own time. They were told it was okay to cry, Mommy cried all the time, that it was okay to be mad, and if they wanted to talk about it, all they had to do was say so. I guess that's sort off the subject, but I hope it helped anyway. Good luck!

Answer 5

Are you religious? Some kids find comfort in the idea of a "heaven" - where they will get to be with family again. It doesn't have to be a vision of the christian heaven, and you don't need to go into great detail. Just a brief talk about how when you die, you don't have to hurt or worry anymore, and you can be happy and with everybody you love.

Beyond that, if he keeps bringing it up, he's not really asking - he's looking to get attention or a certain reaction from you. Just go with "we've talked about this already" and change the subject to something he's very interested in (look, Bob the Builder is on!). Kids his age just can't comprehend it, there's no use trying to explain over and over.

Answer 6

Yous hould tell him gently that people go somewhere when they get old or when their's a problem with their bodies.

Most likely your son's scared of what will happen when he dies (I HATE TYPING THE WORDS)

You should ensure him and read to him the defeintion of Death frmo a dictionary.

Kids can understand very well and I understand that people his age know the most and are the most thoughtful.

You should tell him that no one really knows what Death means, really, and he will grow into learning about the details of death later.

I am Christian and I say raise him up in the ways of the Lord.Teach him that some people will have to make a choice: die then live forever, or die and stay that way.

Answer 7

Sit him down, and tell him, when you die, its not scary at all! youll be very very old! then say somthing like older then grandpa in years and years and years, its nuthing to be scared of hunny and give him a hug and tell him that its a long long time till its going to happend

he might get upset and if he dose ask again tell him wev allready talked about this hunny its a long long time away! nuthing to worry about he will understand in the end but he is at the age were he wants to know theese things if you say we will talk about it later he might get scared

jaz x

Answer 8

I honestly believe in telling your child the truth. Be honest and to the point. I know this may seem crazy, but it will only build trust in your child later on. When my grandma died, I told my 4 year old daughter that her heart stopped beating and that she was old and died. You know your child better than anyone, so keep it as appropriate for your child as possible. HTH!

Answer 9

I think you need to explain that everyone will eventually dies. Explain it in a mild manner, like showing how leaf grows on a branch, turned yellow, then falls off to the ground. And while you're at it explains about afterlife to him (according to your belief of course). Normally it makes 'em feel better.

Atleast it works on my nephews (I don't have a son yet).

Answer 10

Tell him that his grandpa will go to heaven someday so he can be mischievous and help God out. Someday he will be an angel so he can always be with his grandson. But it won't happen for a really long time.