Should my ex-wife tell her mom that she was molested by her father?

Question

My ex-wife, whom now 30, was molested when she was 16 by her father. When I first met her, I was compelled to protect her and she also did not want anything to do with her father. A year before our divorce, she forgave her father for his wrong doing, but will not tell her mother of what happened because it will tear her family apart. Well,is it ok for her to hide what happend to her for 14 years?

Answer 1

I think now it all makes more sense, this problem has a LOT to do with your prior question, that I know from personal experience and I'm glad you asked since talking about it helps me too, so much to think about. Even if it's her decision, you have every right to interfere since you can blame whatever odd behavior of hers that has caused you trouble directly to him .(I hope I'm explaining myself right) Indirectly you are also a victim in my opinion. If the mom is not to blame, then she might not want to tell her the whole story, it would destroy her and your ex will feel even more guilt. I don't know how she can forgive him, she must have a very good heart, but I would advise her to take it back and let him know of all the damage he's done, directly and indirectly... I know you know. Another problem is that even if he acts like he feels guilt, he's not going to change and probably get worse as he gets older, while your ex keeps all the blame to herself, not fair. Let her know you're there for her, and also she should tell him that if she even gets the tiniest hint that he's done it to somebody else she'll turn him in, and make him fear her. It's best for her if she stays completely away from him, and NEVER let him anywhere near your kids alone or at all if possible (that's your decision no matter what) . Hard decision to make on her own, she's lucky you're there. Sometimes family chooses denial over the victims' welfare, she could get so hurt over this, again just be prepared to support her when she decides. I'm not going to lie, there will be a huge mess sooner or later, make sure that she knows is not her fault ...or yours, you are on her side. Keep being the good person you are!

Answer 2

The relationship comprises primarily of parents and their offspring, hence the decision making should be kept within the parties concerned.

As she seems to have resolved the issue with her Father, she should similarly let the other caregiver, her Mother know, since both parents are equally reponsible in bring up their child and therefore have equal right of say and to the facts.

As an illustration out of emotional context to put a point through: an employee of a company and a bank loaning money to the same company, that company has a responsibility and fiduciary position to inform the vested parties of the same information.

Hence, she should not keep one party disadvantaged through hiding knowledge. This is provided her Mother is suitably able to conduct independent thought and of good constitution, without undue influence by the husband, to make up her (Mother) own decision.

However, the daughter that has the forehand knowledge puts her in a fiduciary position. This means she is the custodian of that information and should apply it in a manner best addressing all parties.

As you have suggested, she has already perceived that information will likely tear her family apart.

The next step would be to consider if it would have made any persuasive difference in the event that had something been equally negative happened untoward another party, such as the Father or Mother. Would there have been disclosure ?

In context of traditional family hierarchy, both parents are of equal seniority before the child (unfortunately, which ever way you put it). A similarly negative event, were it to have occured to either parent, would have given either parent a fiduciary position to withhold the information from their offspring, because of age old seniority.

The point here is to determine what sort of family structure that family is and apply overiding events (the example above of a traditional family structure would mean that the overiding event be seniority) within the legal and moral framework acceptable to society.

Answer 3

Yes she should tell her mother what her dad did... Her dad didn't even have a soul for doing what he did to your ex-wife.. His actions is a disgrace and filthy to all dads that is out there molesting their own children.. Therefore, they should paid for the consequences that they did and shouldn't be forgave.. What if he molest other kids again or his grandchild?? If he could do it to his own kin, he could molest anyone and he will not stop,,, She should not hide it and yet tell .. She's been keeping this secret to her self for ages and it's time to reveal what kind of father she has.. If she keep bottling it inside, she will become worst and become depress which lead to depression...

Answer 4

I’m sorry which you had to conflict via this. Don’t hear to the criminal expert by using fact there's a lot you're able to do. i'd call the police and make a checklist and persist with it up with a call to the CPS (new child protecting centers) hotline. each and each state had a 1800 variety you could call. you apart from would would desire to have her examined via a doctor and a forensic interview. You mentioned that there substitute into better than merely touching happening so this would better make certain what actual happen. Your ex-husband substitute into out of line for having your daughter contained in the comparable section together with her criminal. feels like a jerk who isn't in touch and has no Empathy. you could desire to report an order of risk-free practices against the criminal. I’m pissed off that the youngster isn't on probation and ordered to attend intercourse criminal therapy. What state do you reside in?!!? He extremely have been given off hassle-free. In Arizona he would be locked up till his listening to. maximum little ones indexed below are ordered to end intercourse criminal therapy. I’m constructive this youngster has extra victims. i will walk via some steps you could take in case you decide directly to touch me via e mail. I’m a former CPS worker and have journey with sort of stuff. You do have recommendations and you could provide up this from happening back.

Answer 5

As much as you (and alot of other people, believe me) might want to let people know what this revolting man did its not your place. Its entirely up to her what she does with this but you have to understand the pressure she is under when her family would dissolve if it came out. Its good that she confided in you it must have made her feel so much better to vent all those pent up feelings with someone who was close yet objective. I think you should respect her wishes and keep this to yourself however it hard it will be on you.

Answer 6

Has this had anything to do with the failure of your relationship with her?

If so, she needs to get it all out in the open immediately. It isn't healthy to 'forgive' a pedophile, especially in incest, in secret. There's no reason to believe that he's not molesting some other child at this very moment.

She will always be uneasy in regard to both parents, and this will continue to affect her relationships with men.

Good luck to both of you.

Answer 7

It's her decision as she's the one who will have to deal with the outcome. If she has forgiven her father, it could be that she now wants to move forward with her life and her relationship with her parents. If she has come to terms with what happened, telling her mom will bring up all those feelings again.

Answer 8

Why would she want to hurt her in that way.
She doesn't need to tell her Mother . That is just selfish. If she was going to tell her , it should have been when it happened. That would of served a purpose. Protection, etc...

Answer 9

Yes I think she needs to tell her mother rather it tear they family up or not. Cause sounds like to me he is a sick person to sleep with his own daughter. And if she don't speak up about it, it can happen to her niece, cousin,etc. Put a stop to the matter.

Answer 10

I'm different I would have told because daddy doesnt suppose to touch childrens in the wrong way I'm sorry mommy would have to understand that