I have twin-daughters,age 4.I have a golleague (Andrea,age 29).She lives with a 16-year-old girl(Sandra,an orphan,they are best friends and that's why they live together).My wife died after the twins' first birthday.Andrea and Sandra come together to work in summer and I take the twins too,because there is a daycare at work.Sandra is a very nice girl,she loves the twins and spends all the time with them while I(and Andrea) work.Recently when I spank the twins(for bad behavior) they scream and say they want to be with Sandra.They behave like angls when they are with Sandy.She treats them with some 'positive discipline',I know nothing about(just know there is no spanking in it),but it seems there is an effect.But I treat them with usual methods,like spanking.Recently they love Sandra more than me and want to live with her.She told me 'don't worry,that will pass' but I'm not sure.What do you think?Should I try positive discipline(there is a book about it,Sandra has it)?
2006-09-16 04:58:59 · 10 answers · asked by Jack S 1 in Pregnancy & Parenting ➔ Parenting
YES! Ask her what she is doing that you are not. If they behave better with her, and want to be around her, there may be something to the way she is treating them.
Keep in mind, it could also be that they want to be with her because she is a female and they need one in their lives.
2006-09-16 07:03:37 · answer #1 · answered by Ask me anything! 2 · 1⤊ 1⤋
The most powerful tool in a kids arsenal of weapons is "I don't love you" and other lines of that nature. They know it hurts and will, upon adulthood regret making such remarks.
Your friend is right and this is a phase that will pass. They are only 4. You could remind them that even if they lived with Sandra they would still have to do all things they don't like; homework, best behavior, brushing teeth, chores, etc. But they are only 4 - that's a big inductive leap for a young kid. It may sink in for only 30 minutes or so but you will hear the remark again.
Sandra is fun for them, regardless of her style of discipline. She doesn't not make them go through the drudgry of everyday stuff. Keep in mind it's nothing personal. There is nothing wrong with spanking. If you feel it is correcting their bad behavior then continue with this method. However, if you feel this method is not working on the behavior then try another means. There are lots of methods of correction out there.
But don't expect a new method of punishment to end the "I love Sandra and want to live with her" tantrums.
Honestly, I think the punshiment I feared the most as a child was 'The Look' - if my mom threw that to me when we were out or at home, I stopped whatever I was doing. I knew that expression on her face meant I was in trouble. That and hearing my second middle name (I have two so I got to get away with four minutes more of bad behavior then my friends) called out. I still shudder at 'The Look' and I'm in my late twenties.
2006-09-16 05:14:59 · answer #2 · answered by zombie_togo 3 · 2⤊ 1⤋
Yes, you should try parenting your children with love and respect instead of fear and intimidation. It sounds like it has really worked for Sandra. It works for a lot of families.
Some books for you to look into:
Adventures in Gentle Discipline by Hilary Flower
The Discipline Book by Dr. Sears
The Successful Child by Dr. Sears
*Kids, Parents & Power Struggles by Kurcinka
Raising Your Spirited Child by Kurcinka
*Kid Cooperation by Pantley
Hidden Messages by Pantley
*How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk by Faber & Mazlish
Siblings Without Rivalry by Faber & Mazlish
*Easy to Love, Difficult to Discipline by Becky Bailey
(The ones with a * are the ones I'd recommend most, that would probably be good for your age children.)
Also.....
If they give you that "I don't love you" or "You don't love me" stuff, your response should always be, in a calm and matter of fact voice, "Nice try."
2006-09-16 05:35:47 · answer #3 · answered by momma2mingbu 7 · 2⤊ 1⤋
there are lots of books! Super Nanny has a book, I forgot the name of, that talks abou that.
Yes, try it. Different methods work for different kids, but I am all about trying the positive methods first. There are several things wrong with punishment, all are written, I am sure, in that book.
2006-09-16 05:09:03 · answer #4 · answered by mountain_laurel1183 5 · 1⤊ 1⤋
spanking should be used as a last resort. "time-outs" and other methods can also work. You've heard of the carrot and the stick right? Well sometimes the carrot works better than the stick.
2006-09-16 05:12:26 · answer #5 · answered by hightechredneck 2 · 2⤊ 1⤋
Ok first of all I personally believe in spanking to a point. After they get to a certain age it will not work anymore, but when they are still young they need to be spanked. If you just tell them not to do it, and be all sweet about it then it will not do anything. When they get to the point where they don't care if you spank them or not, then it is time to start grounding them and taking their things away for a certain amount of time. Positive Disipline is crap. *nods*
2006-09-16 05:44:05 · answer #6 · answered by blissful-imagination 2 · 1⤊ 3⤋
Well what have you got to lose? You've got their love and respect to gain if you try it. I mean, they do love you now (yep, they do - I promise!) We don't spank in this house and our kids are good. Sure the youngest ones have temper tantrums but that's normal. I don't react - I just walk away. Believe it or not, it works. Best of luck!
2006-09-16 05:01:50 · answer #7 · answered by ? 6 · 2⤊ 1⤋
Wow!! Another one of the squabs multiple Yahoo accounts created to blast spankers!! Account created today, same theme and style as Kathryn A and Pemi's soliloquies, and the touting of spanking=lack of love. Can't you just make these points under your real usernames? We all still love you guys. Well, at least I do. Hell, I even love Brenda B. I pray for her every night.
2006-09-16 05:44:53 · answer #8 · answered by Goddess of Nuts PBUH 4 · 0⤊ 3⤋
That's a damn good manly question guy. There is hope for us after all. I apologize the lengthy answer.
First of all you are perfectly normal brother. Don't get caught up in all the sociological bibble-babble bs that these hippie love child liberal clowns want to fill our heads with.
With that being said, you are a male parent with female children. Girls need to be raised differently than boys whereas strict physical discipline may be appropriate for boys until the age 10-12. If you are spanking a boy past the age of 12 something is wrong with your parenting, your child, and you. So this is where I see your philosophy on spanking may lie, appropriately.
But girls are a different breed brother. Physical is not effective with girls. Reverse psychology, even when they are young, is a better tool to instill discipline rather than raising your hand. It's daddy's little girl, and in your case daddy's little girls. Your responsibility lies in your constant grooming of your children to be students of your teachings and obedient. Your CONSISTENCY, firmness and guidance will take care of behavioral problems. We must instill in our children tools of socialized behavior that they can recall when you are not physically present (i.e. don't talk to strangers, do not steal, how to dial 911, how not to sit on a public toilet seat, how to run in high heels, SELF DEFENSE, etc.) Assistance with parenting can be found in church, girl scouts (Brownies), school sports/music, counseling, and my personal favorite SELF DEFENSE classes starting at the age of 5. Participation in these activities play an important role in being able to socialize children appropriately and takes up most of their time so they are not learning about life in front of the tv. This will also physically stimulate their little brains so much during the day that evenings can be routine and allow for less time to be disobedient and more time for studying, preparing for the next day, hygiene and sleep. It also provides the parent tools for discipline in that we have something to take away or negotiate with to affect behavior. Take away a child's Xbox and he still knows it's in the house. However, grounding a child for 2 days from soccer and a girl scout field trip this weekend is priceless to get the desired behavioral result without having to get physical or even raise your voice. But it is not going to work without CONSISTENCY, self control, and firmness. Also the message must be consistent with the parenting entities one person cannot be filling the little minds with radical islamic views and the other with Christian fellowship; confusion will result in you being a grandfather in 8 years.
I suggest you invest in researching these topics. Human growth and development ages birth to teenage (when children are stress they tend to digress in behavior you will be able to know the symptoms), AUTHORITATIVE parenting style (big plus when you are actively seeking to raise good wholesome productive children), the benefit of instilling discipline and confidence in children through self defense classes (I personally prefer Kempo), Scouting (priceless).
In my final thought brother save the spanking from this point on for serious offenses like stealing. Make corporal punishment the last resort and then follow up with explanation and reassurance. Look into the topic of how God is the Good Shepard. His staff is hooked at one end to save the sheep caught in the briar patch, and the other end is straight and firm to instill discipline in the flock; however, His love is permanent no matter what.
2006-09-16 06:08:32 · answer #9 · answered by joe 3 · 0⤊ 3⤋
you should try it, what you should do is watch what Sandra does with the twins and then you do the same thing.
2006-09-16 05:26:57 · answer #10 · answered by fandj4ever 4 · 1⤊ 1⤋