How do I explain to my daughter that her dad is in jail for abusing me?

Question

I was raped and abused by my childs father. The baby isnt born yet but I'm curious at what age is the best to try to explain what happened and why he's in jail. He's facing 30-40 years in jail, so he wont be there at all. She will only know him through pictures and letters. And is it ok to allow him to write to her once she can read and respond to them??

that child isnt a product of the rape. I was pregnant before the rape/abuse. I found out May 5th I was pregnant and the rape/abuse occured on July1&2. I left him on July 4th!! I know he will fight for visitation and communication because this is his first child as well!!

Answer 1

This is tough.... it truly depends on the level of communication you are willing to do with the guy, as well as the type of relationship you want the child and the biological father to have. Personally, this person would NOT be a part of this child's life. If he treated you in such a way, knowing that you were pregnant and carrying his child, he doesn't deserve to have anything to do with that miracle. Besides- you will have a much better chance of finding someone else who can treat you and your child better, who will be a positive and present influence in your child's life. In the early years, your job is to protect your child. You can surely answer questions that your child has about their biological father, but I probably wouldn't allow communications until your child was able to decide for themselves if they wanted to or not. Some children can be really resistant to the idea of talking to someone who is in jail... that can be a scary place. So, it really depends on your view of how involved you want the biological parent to be. Also, if you decide that you want the biological father to have no contact- file for it. If he's in jail, you really won't need a physical restraining order, but you can have a no-contact order that denies communications of any kind (phone, letter, email). And, if he has no communication and/or no financial assistance for a period of one year, you can have his parental rights revoked. Again, it all depends on the level of involvement you want.

Answer 2

I wouldn't tell the child until it asks. When the child does you may have a husband that has accepted the child for his own and possibly adopted it. By all means do not let the rapist communicate with the child. He is not a father he is a sperm donor that doesn't deserve the title of FATHER. When the time comes I would make an appointment with a therapist and ask that person to be present when you tell the child (in it's teens) that way any potential problem can be countered by a trained professional. Good luck

Answer 3

Wow! you were raped and abused by this guy and you still want some reason to have contact with this guy. LOL! If I were you, I would wait till the child is old enough to understand what had happen, this maybe when they become a teen. Right now you are giving the child of a false family and hope that something else will exist.

In addition to your addition; no matter what he says in prison and over the phone, he cant force you to take your child to see him.
It is up to you if you want your child to see the scums of the earth during these visit. I myself would not

Answer 4

I am so proud of you for going through with the pregnancy anyway. It takes a very strong person with great morals to do something like that.
Your question is a hard one. I think if I was in your situation I would act like he doesnt exist. Go on with your life, find a husband that wants to accept this child as his own and go from there. Maybe when she gets way older, like early adulthood you can tell her what really happened, but i think a child knowing that she came from such violence would do something to them mentally.
I wouldn't give him any contact. I would get a restraining order for her if you can so that he cant even write her, if that exists?

Answer 5

My father was in prison for all of my childhood. My mother always told me when I became older that she would explain to me about where and what happened with my father. My father never wrote to me when I was a child, so my mother had no letters to hide from me. I was 14 yrs. old when I started to keep bugging my mother about my father, so she told me what happened and where he was. Then she asked me if I wanted to contact him that she would try to get his address. So, I wrote him and he wrote back. My mother was respectful to not read the letters when he wrote back, but I let her read them anyways because I was sure that she was curious in what he had to say. My best advise is to ask a councilor that may deal with families in this kind of situation. Good Luck and congratulations on the new baby.

Answer 6

when she first ask when she is little just say he is away because he has problems that he has to take care of then when she is a teenager or a preteen you might need to explain he hurt you so he had to go away then later than that or sooner if he/she keeps asking tell them about the rape

Answer 7

i say if she wants to see him let her but if she wants nothing to do withg him then thats ok to! but its not like shes going to have a relationship with him i mean hes going to be in jail for 30 to 40 yrs! let her make that choice!

Answer 8

when the girl asks, tell her that her dad was bad and went to big person time out for a long time if she is little, if she is older and is taught about sex, tell her the truth, he raped you.

Answer 9

Issues this serious sound like a question for a real expert, not the crowd on answers.yahoo.com.

Answer 10

i would the child when they are old enough for them to understand. and if you feel comfortable with him writing then let him .