A serious question (oh my!) about 2 girls in my daughter's class?

Question

Okay, they were all in the same class last year and got along fine. But they never once came over all summer to ask my daughter to play. When school started they both said they were on exotic, lavish vacations when in fact, I saw both of them around all summer. Now, they come over often to ask my daughter to play, and she's always happy to see them. But they all go out and my daughter comes home 5 minutes later because the other two said they forgot it was time for them to go home. I've told my daughter they are playing games and it isn't funny. I've asked these girls not to knock on our door, but they insist on coming back. I don't know who the mothers are. The teacher says he cannot give out that kind of personal info. Why do kids have to be this way? At what point can I get other authorities involved? Would it be inappropriate to get REALLY angry the next time they come back? I think putting a good scare into them might make them back off my kid. Is that a bad idea? Thanks mates!

They're all just shy of 10 - they're in grade 4.

Okay, like by scare, I was just gonna get all snarly and say (quietly but with threatening tone) I WILL get the police involved you little trailer park urchins! Don't think yer gonna push anyone in THIS house around because I'm a heck of a lot smarter than you!

I know, that's kinda immature, but it would still be funny to see the looks on their faces. And I yes, they are both "that" kind of kid, LOL! I'm quite sure one will be a partent in 6 or 7 years...just like her mother was.

I meant parent. Yeah, I can spell.

Answer 1

Look, the bottom line is parents DON'T PARENT. THEY DO NOT TEACH CHILDREN HOW TO ACT AND WHEN THEY DO, THEY ARE SAYING THINGS LIKE; "get off the sofa" , INSTEAD OF CORRECTING THEM AND SAYING; "YOU DO NOT treat PEOPLE LIKE THAT". PARENTS JUST SAY WELL WHAT CAN YOU DO WITH HER ?

Listen you are 100% right. And as far as the parents of "these" girls... well they live in your neighborhood I understand that you most likely do not let your daughter run the neighborhood. I can see you take interest or you would not be asking to find out where they live. Go to the principle, not the teacher, and they can help let the parents know that these girls are acting unkindly to your daughter and say that you'd really like to talk to them about it. Tell him you don't know where the girls live. (But i bet your daughter may) Ask her first and then some of the other neighbors. The parents will either agree with you or they will be as silly as they're daughters. Anticipate the best but be ready for a politically correct response if they are not grown up enough to realize they're kids are wrong .
Remember that kids are a reflection of the parents and know that parents usually want them to be good but if they are right off the apple tree... well that explains it.

Start by saying to the parents; "I know that you would want to know this, I would, and let them know your child has been............"
At this point you can tell where they stand but no matter what, you take the higher ground and if you can tell that they are not going to do something, then say politely; "thanks for listening and again I know i would have wanted to know ... "
You now have to let your daughter know that she can't play inside these girls' house or with them unless they are in your yard. Let her know that she has to stick up for her self by telling these girls that they can not treat her like that.

This may be her first lesson in letting go, to not allow herself to be hurt, and that she comes first, but we still have to care for others. These lessons are never easy and i feel for you and will be praying for you through this. I have had to deal with this and the parent was polite. The father was more upset than the mother was because her son was in a wheel chair. Regardless, I was not going to let him pick on my son . Again the father was feeling like me and she was nice but we always have this coldness at parties where the kids are both at... you know the fake smile and quaint conversation.
I hate taking the higher ground but I love looking better and that was what i had to choose.

Make sure you go in the evening so both parents are there. Say you want to talk to her parents when nothing has happend at the time,... the little girl might just tell you where she lives. Oh, and look good! Remember this is their first time meeting you and you want to have all the upperhand you can get !

Answer 2

There have been some really nicely done, and very well thought out answers here, so I won't reiterate the solid points others have made, but just add the one that occurred to me I haven't seen yet.

I'm concerned that any actions you might take would have a negative social impact on your daughter in school.....while it may solve the immediate problem of what the 2 girls are doing to your daughter, the word might get around in classes that she can't stand up for herself, is a "momma's girl", and the teasing and judgement might be abominal.

I think the best you can do is just know you're a good parent, don't sink to their level, and arm your daughter with the knowledge of the situation, and what they're doing and why. They're brats. Give her the opportunity to stand up for herself, and not rely on mommy, the authorities, etc to solve the problem. She'll gain strength from it, and respect from her other peers who I can only assume these 2 girls are also bullying.

I guarantee you that if, the next time these two girls knock on the door, your daughter says "nope, I don't want to come to play", or "sorry, I'm meeting my friends in a little while".......they'll go away. Feeding their twisted little egos only exacerbates the problem...if she ignores them, they'll find someone else to torment. Or, even better, they'll suddenly wonder what your daughter is up to, why she's having so much fun without them, and change their tune.

Just let your daughter build strength by tackling her own social hurdles, with your support, of course. She'll be a better person for it.

Answer 3

I'm a father of a 9 year old boy, and boys are no strangers to the same drama girls have. It's nice to see you have alot of really caring advise even from others who normally give sarcastic,sadistic, or rude answers.

I would advise against police interference unless the bullying becomes threatening or physical. If it should ever become neccessary, it would be greatly helpfull to know where these children live and/or who their parents are. However you have to find this out... DO IT! Follow them home from a distance, ask around, whatever.

Even if their folks are total white trash, you may be able to talk to them. Try not to come off condescending, just concerned. Most people share concern for kids but get defensive quickly when their own children are accused. Don't risk putting yourself in a bad situation if the parents are really trashy. Bring a friend/ spouce, whatever. I think talking to the parents would be the best option (allthough bunjibear makes a good point... I think this holds more true for boys who run the risk of becoming a "momma's boy"). Either way, at least find out where they live incase things start to escalate.

In the mean-time get active in something; any external social gathering of your choice where your daughter can meet good friends. Push these relationships and possibly encourage your daughter to be the one who tells these other girls "no thank you, I don't wish to play with you". Talk to your daughter and see what SHE wants as her perfect ending to this situation. Go from there.

Good Luck!

Answer 4

You have to find out who the parents are, it's the only way to resolve the situation without putting yourself on the line.

If the teacher will not assist you in finding the parents try the head teacher - explain the situation and that you would be open to even discussing the problem at the school with him/her and the parents of the other two children.

Should that fail ... the next time the girls come over, tell them that you would like to bring them all somewhere fun. Like the movies, mall, a local theme park for a day of fun - but you need to speak directly with their folks about getting permission. They seem to like other people thinking they are into flash so it's a little white lie that they should fall for without a blink. Ask them to please write down their home phone number or provide an address where you send an invitation. Just don't give them yours. These girls don't seem above a prank phone call.

I would speak frankly with the parents - you have caught the girls in lies (the vacation) and they are playing tricks on your daughter. Add that you don't think this is healthy for any of the three girls in involved. Let them speak their piece, it's hard for parents to hear bad things about their kids. If it starts to get nasty just firmly state you would prefer that they instructed their daughters not to come to your home and not engage your girl in playtime.

The most important person to talk to is your daughter. Engage her in a conversation about these girls. Ask a lot of questions for her, as she answers she may begin to draw the conclusion that these girls are not her friend.

"How do you feel when they say they forgot they had to be home and couldn't play?"
"Do they do this a lot?"
"Do you think it's a nice thing to do?"
"What would you say to people who were mean to nice people?"

You want her to come to the realization that these girls are bad news. Other wise your daughter may buck a bit that you are saying her 'friends' are bad people and that could create a stronger desire to try and be friends with them. Keep the conversation open and don't put pressure on her during it to come to the conclusion you want her to arrive at.

Kids are normally pretty intitutive creatures and she's is likely already wishing these girls would leave her alone, but social cues have directed her otherwise in ending this friendship.

Answer 5

A serious question deserves a serious answer. Its really awful to see your kids getting rough treatment there is nothing worse. Although its natural to want to step in and take action against the guilty, I strongly suggest you resist. This may have an adverse affect on your daughter, y'know like "there goes that kid who's mother is always protecting her" you may damage her street cred (I know, she's only 10). Has she any other friends she is close to, and who you know to be nice kids. Maybe you could (without making it obvious or pushing her too much) engineer a friendship with someone else, say you would like to take her and a friend somewhere special, but not the two horrible girls coz they keep letting her down and have to go home early. Hopefully she can realise by herself that she can have a good time with a real friend and forget these two horrors. I have to say when I showed my wife your question, her advise was a little, how shall I say, STRONGER than mine (so was the language). All the best, I hope you find a solution, I love kids, they should never have to feel sad.

Answer 6

Don't do anything that could cause problems for your daughter down the line. Little girls can be down right MEAN. The next time they come over tell them to have their mother call you before they can play. You want to make sure things are ok with her first. That way they will either back off because they don't want their mom involved or she will call and you can hash this out with her. The only way you will get them to be nice to your daughter is to seperate them. Kids attack in groups, but there is always a leader and a follower. You need to figure out which one is the follower and find a way to befriend her. The "leader" will follow, and your daughter will actually end up taking the lead. I know it sounds kind of sneaky but it will work.

Answer 7

I think your daughter is old enough to let the girls know that she doesn't want them to come over anymore.

Next time they knock, your daughter at the door can say "I am sorry but I think it is best we don't play at my house anymore" then say she has to go and say her goodbye.

Reason why I say your daughter should do this is because you could be telling the girls to not come over, but your daughter is telling the girls they can come over after school. You see the conflict? So, best to make sure you and your daughter are on the same understanding page.

If they come back, repeat the situation. Eventually the girls are going to not want to go to your house just to be told that.

If you do your snarl at the girls, it can cause these girls to bully your daughter at school. So, can kill them with kindness but don't give them any lead way to play their games.

If she wants to remain friends with these girls and the girls have a pattern of happening to leave after 5 mins, then it is best that the girls play at school. Then if on weekends they are available and come over, ask them for phone number so can talk to parents to set up times to come over/spend the night and such. If the girls decline, then you pretty much know this is a game to them.

It might just be a ironic situation where the girls (keep in mind they are 10..) loose track of time very easily.

If the girls start to harass your daughter and your home, I would then tell the girls in a "I'm serious tone" but be pleasant that "My daughter and I asked you two girls politely to not come over and now I feel it is time to get the authorities to take care of it if trespass on my property again. Please leave". If they repeat their behavior, then get the authorities involved, which they should talk to the parents.

Answer 8

You need to get your daughter out of the house to find some other friends. Get her in ballet or whatever, but your daughter needs to get really busy really quick. By exposing your daughter to others, she can see how badly she's being treated. Also, when the girls come to the door, and you tell them, "sorry, she's at dance right now, maybe another time," they will get very shocked. She who cares the least has the most control.

Going to the principal or the little girls parents is also fruitless. You need to teach and give your daughter the tools to take care of herself. She needs to be able to do this, because you can't solve all of her problems for her all of the time.

Answer 9

You are the adult and you are the one in control (no matter how some children act these days). First I would set aside some time for the next time they come over. When they do, invite them in (or keep them on the porch if you're not comfortable having someone else's child in your house without them knowing it). Tell them you want to have a conversation with them. Start by asking them their full names and where they live. It must be close by and let them know you know it. If they are coming over to ask your daughter to play I doubt they are taking the bus across town right? Then talk to them and let them know you have observed their behavior. Tell them you know what they are doing and it's not right! Don't let them squirm out of it. Firmly and calmly put them in their place. Make sure that they know that this your daughter and you love her and will not tolerate such actions. Ask them to explain why they are doing what they do. It's your aughter and your house, don't let a couple of little girls run it! Talk to the principal and give him letters to mail to the parents if necessary (that way the school is not giving out their personal information). If you have to follow them home to talk to their parents then so be it.

Answer 10

VERY Unfortunately for you (as it would also be for me if I were you.) Because I would FEEl exactly the same...

You cannot be the one to take care of this and the kids these days know all too well how much trouble YOU will get into if you do anything at all to them. Most of the time, if they are "That" kind of kid anyway, if you give them a reason, they may just make something up. Little girls are real bit*ches sometimes! Glad I don't have any.

Your job as a parent is to teach your daughter how to deal on a home level. It sounds like they are doing it because she is letting them do it. Kids at that age like to assert power and push boundaries. If she fails to see that sometimes, getting attention is not always worth the utter and complete shady sh*it you have to put up with to get it... Next, it will be MEN that start doing this too her. Girls are bit*ches but boys are as*sholes! and will take much more than just a little pride if allowed to do so.

Take care of your kid... not the as*sholes up the street. They are probably always going to be as*sholes until they learn that people are not going to allow them to get away with it.

I was raised with all men as a little girl... I used to kick the boy's butt's in my princess tiara, feather boa and kiddy lipstick. Girls never messed with me because they knew better.