My boyfriend would rather just have sex with me than really BE with me. In other words, any time we have sex, it is purely for the act itself it feels like and I feel as though he feels nothing.
In other words, when he kisses me or touches me, I feel as though it is empty, because there is no warmth beneath his touch.
Do you know what I mean?
He blamed me for the decline in our sex life by saying that I am responsible for the fact things went downhill when I stopped letting him just roll me over in the mornings.
I stopped letting him do that because I felt like a damn hooker and I got tired of it.
There is no real intimacy in anything he does with me sexually.
Even in his kisses.
It all feels forced, in an effort to do what he thinks I want him to do when in fact, sexual intimacy has nothing to do with sex and he can't seem to understand that.
What is the deal?
2006-09-15 17:10:08 · 35 answers · asked by Brownie 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Singles & Dating
Hey, for the people who think I've done nothing for HIM or just lay there like a fish - you are SOOOOOO wrong. My sex drive is higher than his and let me tell you, i am VERY open minded, but it comes to a point when just sex in a so called committed relationship - is NOT enough.
2006-09-16 02:28:52 · update #1
Normally I would never directly say this because I feel like there are many issues that are unknown when people post here, but in this situation I would advise you to leave him. If he is already feeling like this then he will be cheating on you at some point. A lack of intimacy is a real problem for many marriages and is often impossible to overcome. Get out of that relationship before marriage and children and move on to a nice romantic guy who wants intimacy as much as you do. We are out there just waiting for a girl like you to come along. Trust me.
2006-09-15 17:16:08 · answer #1 · answered by Roger S 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Okay, there seem to be a lot of posters ready to blame the guy, and being a guy, I might be a little biased, but it seems as though the intimacy problem comes from you. "I feel as though he feels nothing." Does he feel nothing? Or do you? If you're not getting any feeling from him, he's not getting a whole lot from you either.
The reason things feel forced like he's trying to do what he thinks you want him to do, is because you're not telling him. Hell, he's trying to do what you want. Why does that bother you?
And sexual intimacy does have quite a bit to do with sex. It's right there in the sexual part.
Plus the part about not letting him roll you over in the morning because you feel like a damn hooker...that sounds like you might have some problems with the sexual part of your relationship, that don't have to do with the guy. Some guilt maybe? Something else? Maybe you're just not into this guy anymore? Maybe you're not ready for a sexual relationship. But if morning sex makes you feel like a hooker, you should have told him so in the first place instead of letting your resentment build up until you finally asked him to stop.
Real intimacy comes from communication, which you don't have. Going back to "It all feels forced, in an effort to do what he thinks I want him to do" It sounds like he's trying, you're not.
2006-09-15 17:26:03 · answer #2 · answered by answersBeta2.1 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Has it always been this way? If so, i think he doesn't really know how to or what he should be doing. You have to teach him but VERY gently. Men will take offence to being told what to do and they get really bruised egos when you tell them they are doing it wrong so you have to approach it really gently and give him a lot of praise when he does it right. Explain to him that you love having sex with him but that you need intimacy and warmth from him. Let him know that it really turns you on when he kisses you passionately or touches you gently etc. If he thinks its a real turn on for you rather than an emotional need, he may be a little more into it. Tell him how much you get turned on when he touches your skin gently and ask if he will do it for you. Get him to give you a touch massage where he touches your skin softly all over trying to not get to sex so quickly. If you respond to it well he will enjoy that you are enjoying it. Gently show him where to touch & kiss u etc & keep telling him how much you love it. If he tries to go straight into sex, ask him to wait, that you are enjoying the intimacy etc. The only way is to talk to him but instead of just telling him what he is doing wrong, its really important that you tell him what he can do / does thats right. Start by saying that when you have sex you really want more intimacy and that you absolutely adore it when he... & could he do it more etc. It may take time but if you keep letting him know how much you love it when he does something intimate, he will learn. Men do want to please you and it turns them on more if you are enjoying what he does. You just have to teach him what that should be & you have to do it in a way that doesn't critisize him too much. Hope this makes sense? good luck.
2006-09-15 17:29:26 · answer #3 · answered by punkvixen 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Intimacy comes from mutual acts and feelings. If you want intimacy in sex, then you have to take the initiative as much as he does.
You lost your intimacy in sex because you never rolled him over and initiated sex with him in a way that pleased you. Best intimacy comes when both partners feel free to roll each other over and initiate sex. It's no fun when one of the partners is passive all the time. And it's even worse, when this passiveness deteriorates into unwillingness. Such a thing can eventually lead to the break up of your relationship.
If you want to create intimacy with this guy, then you'll have to do your fair share of hugging, kissing, and rolling him over in the morning. You can't be passive like a plastic doll and expect to have intimacy with him.
I'm sure it's no fun for him either.
2006-09-15 17:36:56 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
I would be a bit concerned about this. You seem as if you do not get any of your needs met at all.
It sounds to me like it is all about him. If you feel unfulfilled and empty when this man touches you, then something is surely wrong. Nothing is sadder than to be with someone who is lacking in emotions. You can tell. You know.
And regarding that statement he made about you being responsible for things going downhill--that is pure crap. Just because you don't want to be a (excuse my expression) "depository" does not make you responsible for things going downhill. There is nothing that leaves a women feeling more empty inside than meaningless sex.
Just like that old country song, Did I shave my legs for THIS?
Lack of intimacy is not a good thing dear. Take a good hard look at this relationship and ask yourself is this what you want for your future? It won't get any better. I can promise you that.
Good luck.
2006-09-15 17:16:48 · answer #5 · answered by love_my_4x4 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
This sounds a little extrema....but it is time to move on. If your not even married, and this is already happening, your looking at a lot of long, miserable years. One day you'll wake up and realize life is shorter then you first thought....(late 30's) First you think you need to hurry.....then you realize how much time you really have....take your 20's and experience as much as you can, you can't do that in a committed relationship, there are too many restrictions. You can settle down at 30 or 31 and have kids and a great relationship....and now a days....you'll still be a hottie!
2006-09-15 17:25:49 · answer #6 · answered by 123..WAIT! 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
some people do not know or were never shown what love really means. Love has more than just a feeling between two people. It is a physical connection from the heart soul mind that over takes a person and protrudes out. I am not defending him. Is there anything he is willing to change. Is he willing to talk what he is looking for directly while listening to you. if not well then!
2006-09-15 17:19:46 · answer #7 · answered by Houndog 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
After being with a girl for a while guys just get too comfortable!! THey need to understand that the "courting" should never stop. When that stops we loose our interest in sex with them that is the way women are. If he cant get back to that then maybe it is time to find someone who can.
2006-09-15 17:15:00 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Ok listen to what you are saying, listen TO yourself, repeat all of this out loud so you can hear it with your own ears, I cant beleive at this moment you are still with this jerk, its like getting married to a man that physically beats you, if he was beating you before the marriage, what makes you think that marriage is going to change him,cut him off sweetie he does not deserve a women like you, then he blames you and tries to lower your self esteem, let me say this Clearly, RUN, RUN FOR YOUR LIFE, my mom told me once a leapord cant change its spots, find you a man that will adore and love you and place you on pedastal and send this guy packing
Peace and Love
2006-09-15 17:23:11 · answer #9 · answered by kalela L 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You need to buy him a 1993 Ford Escort. There is nothing that turns a woman on more than a guy in an Escort.
If that doesn't work... try driving the Escort to Taco Bell and getting a six pack.
Tacos solve all of the worlds problems.
2006-09-16 03:00:33 · answer #10 · answered by The Man 5 · 0⤊ 1⤋