My Indian girlfriend is set up for an arranged marriage with another guy, help?

Question

She is only 16 but is to be wed to another guy in India when she turns 18. She is an exchange student. How can she tell her parents that she is not going to honor their wishes and is opposed to such arrangments. She is afraid her parents will disown her. Lets be real, me and her most likely will not be together forever. But I want her to be able to return to India and be happy and not fearful of such a horrible thing. Who knows maybe she will stay in America after graduation. But she still wants a relationship with her parents. They are very traditional and will not listen to her objections. I feel that NO PARENTS HAS THE RIGHT TO FORCEFULLY CHOOSE THEIR CHILDS SPOUSE!.

I cant beleive I have read some answers that say parents have the right to choose their childrens spouses, this is one of the most moronic things I have ever heard. You people need to get a clue. How backwards!

I am not trying to make her do anything. She has said that she might not return home for this very reason. I just dont want to see her this sad, and I am the only person she can turn to

Answer 1

Actually, this is quite a sad thing. In India, how could such tradition be passed down. No offence but I think that the new age has come. It is time for people to understand that true love is only true when both party love each other and not forced to love each other. Forced love will not succeed. What I recommend you to do is to try and convince the parents step by step. Hope you will succeed.

Answer 2

She is born out of a different culture, & where she comes from it is widely believed that no daughter has the right to go against her families wishes & live.The pull of family ties in this situation can be very strong, & as unbelievable as it sounds she is highly likely to go ahead with the betrothal when she's 18, even though she may believe on many levels that it is not the choice she really wants.
It is unfortunate for her that her family chose to send her to school in North America & exposed her to our society & it's culture. I am sure she is feeling very confused at this time as well.
If her family is still in India & have no intention of ever comming to North America, then it is likely that they are ultra conservative in their views, & would probably be shocked that she is having any kind of a relationship with a boy outside of her culture.

In the end it will be very sad for her, because her family will put her into a position where she will have to make the hard choice of "their way or the highway", & she will lose no matter what.

You seem to be very sympathetic toward her plight, & I am confident that you will not bring undue pressure to bear on her when she has to make the final choice. When she makes that choice it will be a pivotal moment in her life, try to be supportive & understanding. If she decides to go back, it may be hard on you, but if she decides to stay she will go through a long grieving period, & that will be hard too.

Answer 3

Your lady friend sounds like a very level-headed person. Though unfortunately, I find it hard to believe that in this day & age, arranged marriages still exists.
What you're doing is commendable, but when it comes to matters such as this... I'm afraid you will have to allow your gf's parents to decide what's best for her future.
After all, they're her parents! Probably the both of you could sit down with her parents and have a good heart to heart talk over things. And if it still won't sway their decision either way, accept that certain things aren't meant to be.
Best of Luck.

Answer 4

"I feel that NO PARENTS HAS THE RIGHT TO FORCEFULLY CHOOSE THEIR CHILDS SPOUSE!."

For you and most Americans, of course not. But for many Asians and many religions, they have all the right in the world.

And if she's afraid of being disowned and wants to have a relationship with her parents, that'll mean that she honour and respects their decision, no matter how she personally hates it. I can easily tell that she was brought up in such atmosphere and wouldn't mind remaining in it. If she is sooo rebelious, she would have not mind being disowned or loosing touch with them.

Answer 5

i know little about india here myself, but its basically a third world country in essence regardless of its economy which given a few generations may erode some of the necessary function of current traditions observed. its asking alot of any indigenous person who has not made the soujourn to the US to accept our relaxed views and philosophy. Werein a place such as india which must still observe some basic traditions as a means of survival, it is not your place to actually disrespect them.

Here is my answer to your question:

1) understand your self.

2) understand your girl friend.
is she complaining about the arrangement? is she clueing you in for some reason?
3) understand the world.
http://www.ogrish.com/archives/50_fetuses_discovered_in_well_near_indian_clinic_Aug_27_2006.html
http://www.ogrish.com/archives/villagers_behead_five_people_in_india_for_witchcraft_Aug_23_2006.html

4) if you are certain that you can take care of her here then offer to marry her. otherwise sit down shut up and go to school.
a) when she goes home it is not out of convenience as much as necessity that she has been married off, also inclusive is the complication of religeous views there (its not purely economic)
wherein the family may have likely already payed the suitors family or plans to contribute a dowry for the taking in of thier daughter...this is typically how its done. this is important to know because if you want to make an argument they wont owe anyone some form of a dowry this may help to ease or place lien against any other argument they might have within themselves for spiritual purposes.......
http://www.ogrish.com/archives/dowry_killing_in_india_Aug_02_2006.html

have a nice day. be proud youre american.
god blessed us at birth.

Answer 6

It doesn't matter what you think. This is the Indian Culture and you my friend had better be very very careful. It's not only a matter of possibly being disowned by her family, many young Indian women and their western boyfriends have been murdered by theri families. It isn't just going against her parents wishes. It is also about bringing dishonor upon her family.

We in the western world do not believe in arranged marriages but you have nothing to gain by getting involved in this families traditions and culture especially since you say yourself that you probably will not be together forever. By encouraging her to go against her parents wishes, you are endangering her life as well as your own so I suggest you keep out of her life. Be her friend but keep it at friendship.

Take Care and please do not think this is a joke.

Answer 7

Tough one. I would rather risk the parents never speaking to me again and staying here. It's a shame this kind of thing is still going on. People should be free to choose for themselves. Can she convince them to let her stay in America to go to college? That might buy her some time? Until she can figure out what she wants out of life?

Answer 8

That is a hard situation that she is being forced into and unfortunately it is very unfair to her.

But you have to realize that you are looking at this from an American perspective, not the perspective of her culture. I don't know this culture well enough, but is she able to talk to her parents and ask them to reconsider allowing her to select her husband?

Answer 9

Why would you want her to live inAmerica if you aren't at least 90% sure you'll be together forever? She'd be here with a broken heart and no one to turn to. She should talk to her parents, but if you don't think you'll be together forever then why waste her time by having her live here?

Answer 10

She could seek asylum here and not go back. There's not much room to work with here if her parents will disown her. It's up to what she really wants to do. It's all her choice.