How do you handle an ex husband who is a complete jerk?

Question

I married my ex when I was young and foolish. I found out he was an abuser after the fact and left him after 3 months. I found out i was pregnant a week later. He had nothing to do with me during the pregnancy and no one in his family even contacted me until my son was a month old. I filed for divorce and he even requested a paternity test, yet he still wanted visitation. He only came to see my son 4 times in the first year, and not at all during the second year. Since then he only exercises his visitation about every 3-5 months. He has moved so many times I can't keep track, but know he lives about 6 1/2 hours away. He only calls when he is telling me he is exercising a visitation and even 9 out of 10 times he sends someone else to pick my son up, usually his mother, who has never forgiven me for divorcing her poor baby. I haven't actually laid eyes on this man for a year. I have written him a letter asking him to be more envolved, but he ignored it. How do I continue to deal with him

Just to add, my son is 10, my ex does nothing more than pay the $200 a month childsupport and he hasn't always done that. He doesn't keep medical insurance on him like he was ordered, he never helps with school supplies or clothes, and has done nothing but critisize my parenting, as if he is father of the year or something.

Also, his mother has shown up early before to pick my son up. I can't stand this woman, because she was right up in the middle of our divorce, speaking for my ex as if he had no voice, she made me out to be a whore and a bad mother, and has taken it upon herself to make decisions in my sons life while he was with her for the visitation. She has thrown a fit before when I don't let him go early, then other times she has shown up an hour or two late, without even a phone call. I can't stop her from picking him up, because the divorce decree allows it.

Answer 1

I too was in an abusive relationship for 10 years! we had 2 children, as soon as he left for the woman he was cheating on me with, I was a whore, a Cheater, a Bad mother Etc..... I am really a great mother and care for my children very much . The fact is you cannot change now what has happened, It is done, Is he calls you names let him, Is it true? no then just kill em with kindness. It always works because a guy like that is looking for a reaction just like the bully in school. Don't give him anything to play off of. My husband won't stay away so be thankful yours does, Mine is always in my business, and trying to make himself look like Mr holy roller, His mother too butts in where uneeded or wanted and she is so sad for her little baby, I just play it off like yeah hes had it really bad sucks for him. oh fu%^^ well! and let it be, You cannot hide truths from your child and they always know when you are lying so just be as cordiall as possible and take it all with a grain of slat, Make sure youdocument anything negitive you can just in case he tries anything legal (sounds like he wont) but just in case, and Never EVER trust him, he wil stab you in the back if he can. Also don't say negitive thingabout him around your child it makes you look bad later, Have confidence that your children will love you more for not stuping to the levels that they have! be strong and just be a good mom! GOOD LUCK!

Answer 2

Give up on him. He's obviously not father material and you're just wrecking your own emotions worrying about him. Do the best you can for the boy, don't criticize the father in his presence, and if necessary - go to Court for the child support. Who can pickup you son maybe specified in the Child Visitation section of your divorce, check and see who can pickup the boy. If the mother is not listed, you don't have to let him go. However, having a grandmother is also very important to the boy. Don't deal with him (dad) except when you're required too by Court Order.
Be nice to the grandmother, the boy will eventually figure out the dad is a jerk.

Answer 3

Apart from hiring a hit man, if I was you I would stop the contact from your end all together. I would also try if you can to get some good legal advice, he is not keeping his end of any deal you have made for visitation, therefore you would be in you rights to revoke it I would think, yes you want your son to know his father, but honestly, does your son really need to learn these harsh lessons of being let down all the time by his father at this early age?!
I hope you get things sorted, I was lucky my sons father disappeared into the sunset many years ago, I say lucky as he was an utter jerk, did me and my son a favor, and my son is a very well rounded balanced person now, so its not all doom and gloom. ;-)

Answer 4

I wouldnt release your son to anyone but his "father" for visitations. I wish I could help more but Im kinda in the same boat with my daughters father so Im interested in seeing what some will say.

Note: I have learned from my own experience and that of my mother... that you dont really have to deal with him. It is his choice how much of a role he plays in his sons life. He is the one missing out. Your son will understand when he is older.

The court order for my daughters father states that the exchange for visitation has to occur at a mutual place such as a Police Station. We would meet there at a certain time to pick up and drop off. That way he couldnt pick her up early and he was 30 min late I would have a police officer sign that he didnt show up and I would leave and he would have to wait till next time. You can take him back to court to have an ammendment added.. or you can request for both of you to go to a court appointed mediator if you think you can work this out between you. I wish you the best of luck!

Answer 5

Curious why you haven't gone back to family court and had the visitation and support adjusted? It is really simple and would resolve things so that you would not be so frustrated.
Don't contact him to resolve anything or write to him, go to legal aid. If you are on assistance of any kind ask your intake worker for a referral on monday. Your son is ten, most parents do this every couple years in middle and high school years so child can participate sports etc. school actitivies, also cost of living adjustments are made. You need to ask for money for childs college now. Go for it.

Answer 6

In my experience the most important thing is that you never, never criticise this man in front of your son. Regardless of what you think about him, you have to make the biggest effort possible not to say anything bad about him where your son can hear you. That alone can cause serious psychological harm. Does your son like seeing his father, or does it upset him? Does the man provide a reasonably good role for your son, or is he an example that you don't think is good for your son to follow?

Do your best for your son. If you think there is any benefit to him seeing his dad, then stick with it. If on the other hand you think his father and the mother-in-law are badmouthing you to your son, then that's pretty damaging as well. If your son has an alternative, stable, caring father figure in his life who makes him feel important and loved, then focus on that person instead. Don't stop your son seeing his father, and always speak positively of him in any way you can, but let your son see for himself that a father-figure can be a positive person.

Answer 7

Document, document, document everytime his mother picks up your son, If she's in the habit of talking badly in front of your son, tape record it and tape record any conversation you have with your ex. write down when he visits, how long and what he did with your son. Get a lawyer and take him back to court. I'd also ask, if someone is late picking him up w/o a phone call, whether or not you have to hand your son over, and you don't have to give him to your ex until the specified time. Good Luck and I hope everything works out for the best!!!

Answer 8

The best revenge is living well.

You did a fine analysis and have come up with a solid conclusion. This man is a jerk. You will have to swallow the reality that many single moms face: you are now your son's mother AND father. Love your son unconditionally and don't get caught up in this fool's drama.

Oh, and make sure he pays every dime of child support for your son. He is such a jerk I would hit him up for spousal, too.

Answer 9

Well, if it were me, I'd write him off. Don't even try anymore. His attitude is probably not healthy for you son either. I know it will be painful to tell your son that his Daddy is too busy for him, but you need to find a way to make an excuse.

Face it. The man is worse than a jerk and doesn't deserve to be involved in the life of his wonderful son. It's his loss.

Answer 10

Tell him what you think, and make it clear, that YOU WANT HELP, scream it in his face and tell him why.
Even if I was an abuser I wouldn't be an @@$ hole and forget about my son. the real question is one of two, is the son your problem, (in the nicest way possible) or is it a problem with you ex.
either way you have to find out your own way to show it to both of them.
Subtlety doesn't and almost never works for kids. One of my friends has a single mom for a parent and he acts the way his mom acts to his dad, because thats the one who she can really make a connection to.

I'll end here and see if you can find out the rest.

Oh yes, and about his mom, I almost laughed, rub thst in his face loud and clear.