I have a tendancy to get into really good, intense friendships fast. But these are far and few in between. But what I mean is I meet someone, we become friends really fast and spend a lot of time together and then I become scared I'm gonna lose them or they'll find me not interesting anymore. I then get possessive and jealous and almost always ruining our friendship. Why? I do have low self-esteem, but I really love my friends. Why do I do it and how do I stop?
2006-09-15 12:01:59 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous in Health ➔ Mental Health
You have to have trust in the friendships that you form. It is not necessarily up to you to keep the friendship together, you have to have faith that the other person is as dedicated to the friendship as you are, and if they are then you have nothing to worry about, if they're not then it wasn't meant to be.
2006-09-15 12:07:12 · answer #1 · answered by Cat/Curiosity 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
did you loose someone in you life in your earlier ages due to death or divorce or parents? Maybe you lost a truly good friend when you were younger. Look back into your childhood losses. You may be surprised to find there was something there you didn't even know causing these problems now. you think you are ruining your friendships? maybe that is truly because you are afraid of getting too close to that person and therefor make their life hell so they leave you (when you were a kid did you feel the reason that someone special isn't in your life anymore because it was your fault?)
I might seek some occasional therapy or buy a self-help book to help you better understand this that is going on in your life. goodluck!
2006-09-15 12:16:16 · answer #2 · answered by bobbie21brady 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I was the same way in my first few relationships. It has to do with fear. Sooner or later, you have to break that and tell yourself if you're are meant to be together all things will work out. Don't try so hard, let things develop on their own. Time is the best medicine. I know breaking habits are hard to do. What helped me was the "i don't care" act. It might not be healthy thinking, but I got to the point where I wasn't jealous or freaked out when that person didn't want to spend time with me. You might want to browse the net for psychology tips for relationships. Could do some good.
writer's research service
http://internethound.8m.com
2006-09-15 12:17:34 · answer #3 · answered by Adam H 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
IT takes 2 healthy people to have a healthy relationship. The best thing you can do is to look at yourself, which you're doing.
Many people, especially young women, suffer from low self-esteem. You're not alone, and it seems to me that many women finally get past that stage around age 30.
I think you have to learn to be your own best superhero. You have to prove to yourself that you can, and will, rise to seemingly impossible goals when push comes to shove. You have to learn that you're good enough to take care of yourself, and that includes making smart decisions. You'll actually come to trust... even love yourself (and not in a snobbish way). I think that Madonna's song applies here... "happiness lies in your own mind mind".
There are lots of people who have you doing mirror exercises, like some bad SNL skit, where you say "affirming things." I never found those to work. I found that actually having achievements that were tough to achieve is the start of good self-esteem. Sadly, most of us learn self-esteem through a period of great suffering; I wouldn't trade the lessons of the suffering for anything, but DAMN I wouldn't wanna do it again.
2006-09-15 12:14:57 · answer #4 · answered by geek49203 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Pardon my pathology, but here's how I interpret it:
I think you may depend on other peoples approval and interest for your self-image; which directly and indirectly contributes to self-esteem but that is not the main focus. Your concept and structure of self is the key.
We all do this naturally, it is called mirroring. It is how we concstruct our 'selves'.
Think of a young child, how mommy and daddy react to his or her drawings means everything to that child, because it tells the child, in his eyes, wheter he is good or bad, whether he should love himself, or hate himself; it tells him "what" and "who" he is-- what he acn do, what he is in this world, his impact, his significance and his existence....
So when you need close friendships, these people could be extensions of your 'self'. They could serve the prupose of letting you know who you are, based on their reflections of yourself, back to you. They could put you in your place, so to speak, not in a negative way. You need that to feel comfortable, to feel secure, to know where you are.
The threat of losing such a stable relationship is very terrifying to your self construction, and it threatens your psyche with disintegration- ie, your 'self' becomes without certain structure or definite signals of what it is made of and how it is organized, and how you should think of it,.
Thus that is why you become possessive, in an attempt to keep the reassuring mechanism working and in place in your life.
Ususally this indicates that somewhere in your life, there was a trauma or rift in the continuum of reflecting or mirroring experiences, and you seek to meet that need that wasnt met before, or, at least to RE-meet a need that was met incorrectly (if someone mirrors to you inaccurately, it can cause great distress and a person will seek to change this and 'find the truth')
So try to think of a time in your life when perhaps someone mis-interpreted who you are, or what you did, or what you said, and it was very upsetting to you. Or, think if you were ever ignored by someone you really looked up to.
This could explain it....and re-experience that moment or event in the now, and understand it as being inaccurate/negligent/embarassing or whateevr it was, but also recognize that it was not supposed to be that way, and let it go.
Its hard to tell you in a short enough way, how to stop it.
But I heartfully recommend you read
"Empathic Attunement, the technique of psychoanalytic self psychology'
By Crayton E Rowe, ISBN 087668-857-1
For LOADS of insight and healing.
2006-09-15 12:19:52 · answer #5 · answered by Yentl 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
there is a real good book, Safe people check it out.
congrats you are on the way to change. you know there is a problem, and your looking for solution outside yourself. also you have to learn you can be happy alone. do you have girlfriends? here is my thought, worrying will do nothing but push them away. so express yourself and talk to your girlfriends dont rely on him to make you feel good
2006-09-15 13:28:59 · answer #6 · answered by zoranth 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
People who appear to be controling, are people who have no control in their own life, or they like the feeling they have power, yet they are delusional people thinking they have power and control until it turn on them
2006-09-15 12:09:36 · answer #7 · answered by soulstore 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
A controlling person cannot help it -- they were born pure evil.
2006-09-15 12:19:54 · answer #8 · answered by Ever Learn 7 · 0⤊ 1⤋