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I don't have children, yet. But I've been thinking about something for a while now.
When I do have my first child, I plan to be the best mother possible to him or her. Me and my boyfriend talk about what kind of parents we want to be and discuss different parenting skills all the time. I realize it will ultimatley be up to our child to follow our guidance.
I guess my question is no matter how perfect our parenting will be, won't society ruin all of our hard work? I mean, when our child starts school, won't the other kids who didn't have such great parents pass along their bad behavior and habits?
As a parent what do you do to ensure only YOUR parenting stays etched in your childs brain and not someone else's lack of parenting?
Thanks.

2006-09-15 09:50:11 · 179 answers · asked by Anonymous in Pregnancy & Parenting Parenting

Thanks for all your great answers. Sometimes I get scared and start to think that maybe having a child in this world isn't such a great idea. But hearing these words from you all reminds of of just how great it could be to be a mother.

2006-09-15 10:16:38 · update #1

Lillypops, although I don't have children of my own yet - Some things are just common sense. Teaching your kids to treat their bodies like something of little importance is one the major things thats wrong with society! I can speak first hand cause I had a mom that did the same thing. She never took the time to teach me how to eat well and take care of myself cause she didn't know how. She suffers from diabetes and high cholesterol now because of her poor eating habits. Luckily, now as an adult, I've learned how to take care of my body on my own.
In no way am I saying that being a parent is an easy task. I understand that it is probably the hardest job of all. And I hope that I will be the best parent that I can be to my kids.

2006-09-15 10:39:58 · update #2

179 answers

If you really are good parents, then your children will probably be fine, and yes, your parenting skills will be etched into their minds and personalities. But one thing to remember is that no matter what you do, your children will always be MORE than the sum of their environment. Human beings are heavily influenced by their environment, but each one is also has a unique genetic heritage, as well as a unique personal/spiritual journey. No matter what you do, they will end up surprising you in some way. And especially as they hit the teenage years they will find many ways to individuate. They will choose to do things that you probably won’t like, and they will push to try to “find themselves” in ways that you may find disturbing. You just need to be true to your own values and consistent in the kind of structure you provide through your home life, while still giving them room to explore, even if you do like their choices. They need to know that you will love them no matter what, and that you will forgive them for their mistakes, even though you continue to keep your expectations high. Define a few general boundaries to provide a firm value-structure, but be flexible and open-minded within them. In the long run, your children will be your teachers. The universe will find ways to transform your life through them.

2006-09-17 02:41:12 · answer #1 · answered by eroticohio 5 · 5 4

You do control what your child is exposed to outside the home.

Local public school crummy? Poor teachers, no discipline, bad kids running the place? Homeschool, religious, or private school. It's not as easy as just signing him up for whatever the local schools have to offer, but in the long run it's worth it.

TV a bad influence? If you possibly can, turn the darn thing OFF! Take your kid out with you places, even if it's a boring thing like running errands. He'll have to interact with real people and learn about the real world. I'd also never have a TV in my kid's room.

Internet also a bad influence? Keep it in the main living area so the child isn't surfing the web (or chat rooms) unsupervisied. Installed "net nanny" software to block some of the inappropriate sites.

Neighborhood kids always seem to be finding trouble and your kid is caught too? All it takes is supervision. He can play with whomever he wants as long as a responsible adult is fully supervising. The bad kids will lose interest if they can misbehave around you, and your child won't resent an attempt to pick his friends.

Occasionally your child will see something (violence, crime, sexuality, etc). This is OK. These can all be learning experiences for him -- the secret is to spend the time to put what he saw into context. Discuss it. Explain things and be there to answer any questions he has.

And when he is around you, be a good role model. Install a strong moral framework. Always be supportive and loving. If you give him the skills, morals, and confidence at a young age, he'll be able to handle the harder problems as he hits the teen and adult years.

Consider changing your whole social circle. If crime, out of control kids, and horrible parents are the norm on your block seriously think about moving. Consider a quiet rural town where crime is low and doors don't need deadbolts. It's expensive and very hard sometimes to just up and move, but in the long run it'll be a better environment for him. Maybe make more adult friends who also have good values like yours (church friends? just general good people?)... because good caring people usually raise kids who try to do good. That way the playdates are always with nice kids.

This may sound irrelevant (or maybe you already know this) but the very first thing you can do to start him right is to get married to a guy who is great with kids, responsible, and treats you right. Then you can think about having sex and kids with him. Kids with married parents do better in school and on average are more successful.

It's WONDERFUL you're trying so hard to do right by a child you haven't had yet. I only wish more parents were so caring!!! Your children will be lucky to have such a caring mom. :-)

2006-09-16 15:20:53 · answer #2 · answered by Funchy 6 · 0 0

You did not mention marriage. That comes first if you want a child to have any kind of life.
The first six years of your childs life are the formative years. The beliefs that the child developes during those years will embedded and they will influence everything the child does for the rest of his or her life.

If you plan to send your child to a public school, make sure you get to know the teachers. Join the PTA and let your views be known.

There are some religious schools that do not attempt to brainwash the students, Baptist schools are one of them. You can be Christian or what they term a "Carnal Christian".

No influence outside of the home can be disregarded.
Solid communication between you and your children is a must. If they require punishment, Explain the situation and ask them what they would do in your place. They will most always say Punish.

Physical punishment simply breeds resentment. If you must punish them give them love afterwards, so they will know they are being punished, not cast out.

Don't go overboard with phycology when raising your kids. Kids quickly sense any insincerety. Just be
honest and straighforward, and your troubles will be minimized. If you have difficulties, share them with your kids, so they will not feel isolated. Sometimes they can be your best friend in times of trouble.

As the great chief once said: That is all I have to say. Wishing you total success.
Jaread

2006-09-17 17:17:54 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 0 0

Congratulations about thinking about parenting skills before you have a child. The home is the best place for appropriate teaching but once the child begins to seek out social contacts in the community, those have an impact.

Your parenting skills have the best impact before the child starts school with follow up continually until the child graduates and leaves the home. Think about your own parents skills and how they followed through when you went to school.

You will be watching and listening, especially listening, as the child makes friends. Remember parents are always saying "you can't play with him again" because the other child shows behaviors the parent does not want their child to be exposed to.

You cannot totally protect your child but you can always be on the watch for problems and step in to minimize the impact.

And realize that NO parent is perfect. Mistakes are made but recognizing and correcting those parenting mistakes is important. It is okay to tell a child that "mommy made a mistake" and then being the role model to show the child it is okay to admit an error and to change things.

You will have six years of etching your values into your child before the child enters school. Include in those experiences all the good things you had in your own childhood and those you wish your parents had given you. But remember humans are not perfect, make mistakes. Make sure you let your child know how much you love him/her and that it is the action/behavior you do not like/accept rather than the child themselves.

2006-09-16 04:42:08 · answer #4 · answered by banananose_89117 7 · 3 0

A stay at home parent has the first 5-6 years to lay a great foundation of ones morals and communications and ideas without a lot of influence from say public school. Lots of interaction and really knowing your child and his/her environment is key. Teachers dont get to see and hear everything your child does and do not have that close understanding you do.
Continued interaction with your child about school and homework. Choosing friends wisely and learning how different people handle things and how one should react...it's an ongoing process throughout their young life. The people, family, friends are also a contributing factor. Acceptance of others for what they contribute positively and negatively are essential tools for healthy growth and should be lessons discussed together.
It's a grownup world even at 18 yrs and much more freedom to a curious, adventurous new adult. Well then, you've laid your good foundation of a parents love and understanding and guidance and hopefully you've taught them something about inner spiritual growth throughout the last 18 years and all your hard work and prayers will help them stay on a good path and strength and humor to step over sticks (little problems) and gumption to climb over the fallen trees (big problems).
Just know that they are making their own life path now but have those loving fundamentals you so lovingly instilled to remember and find their way back to a good path if they happen to wander. We can only hope. ;)

2006-09-15 11:17:07 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 5 0

The best thing a child could have is a loving home with a great marriage. Stability in a committed and loving home. It's ridiculous to start a family without being married. If your not committed or mature enough to be married then a child is out of the question.

It's also important to understand that everyone wants to be the best parent.

Your goal as a parent is to teach them to become quality adults. You have to let them fall sometimes but always be there to pick up the pieces.

Especially in American society, kids are extremely spoiled and pretty much run the show and get what they want. Discipline is a part of love.

Your going to make a ton of mistakes but you'll enjoy the ride.

2006-09-17 20:40:46 · answer #6 · answered by Ice4444 5 · 0 0

Great question, and I'll just add a small numbr of brief comments and questions.

1. If your child (ren) sense that you are embarked on a MISSION to properly parent them, won't they think that's phony? Why not just be yourselves?

2. You and your significant other are already products of society, so social influence is inherent in what you want to do as parents, isn't it?

3. You cannot stop your children from being influenced by the larger world around us all. Between school, other peers, and jobs, there is no way to ensure that ONLY your parenting is engrammed into their brains.

Really, all you can do is to love your children and educate them. The rest is up to God, circumstances, genetics, and a host of other accidental factors. Don't try so hard. You will be good parents. Just don't shove anything down your offspring's throats, OK?

That includes religion, sexual values, etc. Your child might have ideas of his/her own, that resist even your own efforts . Children are not chalkboards, for only you or anyone else, to write on.

2006-09-15 21:13:36 · answer #7 · answered by DinDjinn 7 · 1 0

I also worried about that when I was pregnant. I have a beautiful baby boy now. I think as long as your child always know that they are loved and you will always be there for them and standing behind them in anything they do... good or bad. If they know that if they make a mistake they can count on you not to be harsh and not understand how they feel, then they may keep doing it. They are going ot have "bad" temptations and they might try them. Just make sure they do know right from wrong and that you love them. My cousin is very sensitive and he is a very good boy. He sometimes doesnt get the support from his father that he needs and I can see that as a problem in the future. I see it is people around my age alot. I had a decent life and turned out ok. I did try drugs when I was 16 and thought about my aunt and uncle. Then I decided it wasnt worth it. So someone did something good with me. It was my grandparents teaching me that I am better than that. So just trust your insticts and show your children that you always love them no matter what happens. I hope this helps.

2006-09-15 16:32:19 · answer #8 · answered by flower_angel_goddess 2 · 0 0

What a wonderful question. Yes you can try to be the best parent in raising your child and yes someone can come along and ruin it for you. Sometimes all the hard work you put into raising that child can be gone in 5 minutes. With all the drugs out there and the corrupted people that live in this society don't ever take for granted that you have fully raised a perfect child. If you take your guard down for a minute that is where something can go wrong.
Be good examples first of all as much as possible. If you make a mistake point it out to the child that you probably shouldn't have done that mistake, and that there is a better way of doing it, and try to follow up on that advice. And always remember that you are the parent and remind them in a good and loving way that you are the parent. Keep all lines of communication open between you and them. And hug them always and keep a wonderful relationship between you and your husband. The best gift you can give to your children is the good relationship between you and their father. And good luck. Life is getting harder not easier. But I think that you have a good start because you are talking about it now before you even have the children.

2006-09-15 10:36:40 · answer #9 · answered by meeeohmyyyy 3 · 10 1

I am a 64 year old man who with my 65 year old wife are raising our 10 year old grandson. I understand your delimma fully and completely. The greater danger is not the child picking up bad traits from other child. Our culture has more insidious ways of working against parental values.

The obvious big culprit is TV and to a lesser extent computer games and computer access. And most insidious of all is the schools themselves for their are many within the system who have an agenda that completely undermines all parental authority and values.

So what to do? I would encourage you and your boyfiend to get the benefit of marriage before having children. Children want and need assurance and you can best give them that assurance with a marriage that is binding.

I would also suggest you all enroll in parenting classes once your children reach the toddler stage. And do not over look religious moral training. The more reinforcement you have the easier it will be.

Finally, I would suggest you all seriously examine your reasoning for being reluctant to have children. Is it because you are afraid of what might become of them? Or is it some deeper more personal reason? I suspect you all have a problem with commitment to each other and to having children and the concern about societal distraction while legitmate in its own right is just a smoke screen to cover your ambiguity about committing to each other and about committing to raising a child. But only you know the answer to that thought.

Good luck and best wishes.

2006-09-18 01:50:44 · answer #10 · answered by barrettins 3 · 0 0

I don't think anyone can do perfect parenting

From the moment a child is a toddler they are off to explore the world and your are just plain in their way, stopping them from this and that (like running out into the street).

You have to love them unconditionally

You have to talk with them. They are little people, that's all.

You need to not lie to them. The moment you start with things like TV is bad, Coca Cola is bad, French Fries are bad, my religioin is best, no religion is best, drugs are bad...

Well, you open the door to them that you are wrong or lying or are totalitarian or strict.

The moment they run into socialization they run into the good, the bad and the ugly.

You have to teach them values and they need to understand why values are important. You also have to teach them to think fast on their feet.

Honesty is a value, but sometimes honesty is not the best policy. How you instill this without a conflict is not going to be an easy thing.

Let's take a real world example. You do something radical to your hair and ask you boyfriend what he thinks. Get the point. If he hates it, and says so, you'll feel terrible. If he lies and you find out you'll feel terrible.

Life is about dealing with things.

By the age of 4 you'll quickly see how your kid deals with things. Then you have to make a choice, let them continue with "their way" or bring about change, which usually requires discipline and talks.

This is behavior modification and it is generally only required in extreme cases.

Remember nothing is set in stone. I watched two kids grow up, one had good grades in school and lots of fire and drive. The other was very poor in school and had no drive and was basically lethargic. He ended up being a big wig in a company and doing some heavy math stuff. She ended up as a housewife.

2006-09-17 23:04:15 · answer #11 · answered by Anonymous · 0 1

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