Adoption stories?

Question

Am looking for stories about adoption. Positives and negatives. Hubby and I are having trouble conceiving and not sure whether to continue down the fertility treatment route or to try adoption. Does adoption feel like you have your own child or is it like looking after someone elses? How do you cope if the child has regular contact with birth parents/family? Any advice would be appreciated. I am in the UK. Thanks.

Answer 1

My family has a long history of adoption.

My sister was adopted. From the point she came into our family, I was told she was as much a "true" member of the family as I was. If ever I even thought of making a deal about me being natural and her being adopted... well, let's just say that I never did.

When I married, my wife was adopted. Her situation was not so similar. Her parents had adopted her and then had a son. They never let her forget she was adopted and he wasn't.

After her parents died, I helped her find her birth mother. We did. They've met. It feels a big void in her life (because the parents who raised her gave her a bad impression of adoption and parenting). They've since hit it off. My wife enjoys having new extended family.

Two years ago, after 20 years of marriage, we adopted a little girl from China. Good experience? Must have been since we're doing it again.

My daughter's situation will be quite different from my wife's. She'll never be able to know her biological family. Being offered as an orphan really means no familial ties. Because the Chinese actually prefer older parents (minimum of age 30), that suits our situation. In the US, adoptive parents have a better time if they're younger.

Answer 2

My sister didnt adopt but obtained an instant family when she married her husband. His ex-wife had abondoned the family when his two daughters were 1 year and the other was 3 weeks old. My sister has raised them since they were 6 months and 1-1/2 years old. My sister loves these girls so much. No one can even tell that they are not her children. (Even though the girls have blonde hair and my sister has black hair). She use to get very offended when women would say things like "there is nothing like having your OWN child, the bond is undescribable".

Then came the day she gave birth to her son. I saw a change. She still loves all of her children very much but I can tell that there is a difference now. All of the doting things she did for the girls slowly stopped. She is less tolerant and hovers over her biological children running to their every beck and call.

So to answer your question: If you do not end up conceiving and decide to adopt, you will love that child as if they were your own and thank god every day for the precious gift he has given you. If you end up conceiving after you have adopted you will still love your adopted child as your own but something will change. There will be and undescribable bond between you and your biological child that you have never and could never experience with your adopted child.

Either way, adoption is an amazing thing and I hope you go through with it.

Answer 3

I think you really need to know yourself--some people are able to happily parent an adopted child and some are not. I am hoping to adopt within the next two year and I feel sure that I will love the child just as much as a genetic child. There are workshops that can really help you sort this out. A few of the things that were most helpful to me:
try to imagine how you will feel if your child doesn't look like you
try to think about how you feel about non-relatives v. blood relatives. For example, I have both a full sister and a half sister. We never make this distinction among ourselves and I do not feel that I love my half sister only half as much as my whole sister! Also, most people list their spouse among the people they love most--most people are not genetically related to their spouse. The most important thing: don't let people make you think that you "should" feel someway about this issue that you don't feel--choose what's right for you.

Answer 4

I was adopted as a baby, and I have all positive things to say about adoption. My parents loved me as if I was there very own, and I never questioned their love. In fact, knowing that I was "picked" to be in the family made me feel even more special. I've always known that I was adopted, and loved hearing the story of how they got the phone call to come and pick me up, and how excited they were. My parents had always told me that if I ever wanted to find my birth parents that they were welcome with open arms, and that's exactly what happened too! I was fortunate enough to find my birth parents when I was in my 20's, and they have been a part of my extended family ever since. One of my best friend's had problems conceiving many years ago, and ended up adopting two beautiful kids. She told me later that it was my family that had shown her how wonderful adoption can truly be. I am very blessed!

I would not hesitate to adopt a child myself, as I know how truly wonderful it can be. Good luck to you, and I know you're going to be wonderful parents!

Answer 5

I have not personally dealt with adoption, but my sister's husband was adopted. He just met his birth mother about 5 years ago and put off meeting her for a long time. Now he goes to family reunions and knows his half sister and her kids. The reason I'm telling you this is that he hasn't told his mom, the woman who raised him, that he has contact with his birth mother. He feels it would kill her to know. If you do adopt I suggest allowing the child to know who their parents are and try to encourage a healthy relationship for them. If everyone knows up front there is less chance of there being pain later on.

Answer 6

Here is my two cents and I urge you keep trying first and take your second or third honey moon. Before you decide to adopt a child. I have seen too may family that adop and they did not have the best result.It is the best to have your own child and keep trying. Remember stress is the main reason for couple that prevent them to conceive and keep trying. Adoption should be the second choice in my personal opinion.

Answer 7

If you can not have children of your own and really want one you will love the baby no matter what. you are raising that child as your own biological baby. There are adoption agencies that you adopt and the biological parents have no rights to see the child. they sign their rights and visitation over. You just have to look around and find the right place

Answer 8

Hi. My husband and I have gone down both routes. After trying fertility treatment for 5 years (and having my first miscarraige), we opted to become foster parents- hoping to adopt an infant. As it turned out, friends of ours who were fostering a 2-year-old conceived a child and had to have a child moved to another foster home before the baby was born (did not allow more than 4 children in their home due to regulations). Our daughter was the odd one out and we decided to take her in so that she at least was with familiar people and could still have contact with previous foster family. It was a difficult year, particularly for me, as I so desperately wanted a child and it was hard to have weekly contact with the birth mother (she constantly reminded me that she wanted our daughter to come home). After a year, she was given up for adoption with the stipulation that the birth mother would receive an annual report/picture and visitation every 6 months. In hindsight, I would not have agreed to this. The parental rights would eventually have been terminated with no contact allowed, but I was so afraid of losing our daughter at that point that I did not think ahead. The ongoing visits (though only for an hour at McDonalds every six months) are difficult for my daughter and for me. My daughter has also been diagnosed with Bipolar disorder, which is one of the problems her birth mother has. It has been a struggle addressing her problems, but I try to remember that if she was not with us she would probably be much worse off. However, I do not regret our decision to adopt her, and she is very much our daughter. We have since had 2 more girls. I found out I was pregnant with my second daughter a month after my oldest was freed for adoption. We had decided to give the fertility treatment one more shot, as I wanted at least 2 children. I found a new doctor, had surgery, started some new medicines, and conceived in 2 months. A year later we found out I was pregnant with our 3rd daughter- that was a suprise! Each of our girls is different, but very much loved. When my oldest mentions the adoption and how she did not "come out of my belly" like her sisters, I remind her that I fought for her for a year and that we chose to make her our daughter because she was so special to us and made us so happy. Having her in foster care for that first year was like an extended pregnancy. I do think of her differently than my second daughter, because it was a different experience. But I also think of my 3rd daughter differently than the other 2. Each experience was unique, as they are. My love for each of them is different, but not more or less. Believe me when I say I don't think there is any child that you can care for 24/7 that you could think of as looking after someone elses child. I wish you the best of luck with whatever you decide. Being a parent is the best thing that ever happened to me.

Answer 9

i was adopted myself and wouldn`t of had it any other way. there are so many unwanted children out there, i knew i was "chosen" and not just an accident. as long as you tell the child at an early enough age they learn to accept it, if you leave it late, they feel betrayed. i think adoption is a wonderful thing. great for both parents and kids. go for it and good luck.

Answer 10

her frist of all i am a adopted parent. i have rasied 3 boys they are all brother. i was a foster mother to them. i love them just like the was own. they got alone with my birth draugter. they didn,t treat my draugter any differnt. i had them when they was 6,7,8,i got them in feb 14 1995 i adopted them in 1999.now the are 18,19,21.they know there birth mother.they see her all the time.but they know who there real mother is. i will alway be they mother. i took fertility drug . but that didn,t work until i got off. that when i got pregant withmy draughter.been a adopted parent i teat all my childern the same. i have good day and bad. i say go for it . stay prayful and you and your husband will be bless.