What do I do with my 12 year old stepdaughter, She is so defiant! Cuss,hits, and is just mean?

Question

Her real mother was a drugie and never really tookcare of the three girls so my hubby and his mom did. Well to make a long story short her mother was a mean as a rattlesnake, and always treated the older daughter and the younger daughter like gold and was mean to the 12 yr old. I feel this has alot to do with her problems. But my husband and I got together when they were young and we have had custody of them since then. She lies,cheats,hit,cusses,just down right mean to her siblings and other people. we have 6 kids all together and they all get treated fairly! My husband and I don't drink or party we devote all spare time and hobbies to family. I just don't know what else to do with her!!!!!!!!!!!!! Help

Answer 1

i think the problem may be, even tho in theory u are trying to do the "right" thing by treating everyone fairly.... is that the 12 year old Never had the chance to be treated WELL.... which, in her eyes, means Better. so she's already starting off feeling like she gets the short end of the stick!! now that u have 6 kids altogether and try to treat them the same, she is 'acting out' cuz she needs to feel like she's being treated differently, even if it's in a negative way. =T..that's really hard, and sad for her. sometimes Any attention is better than none....especially for a child at that age. she is extremely confused, and feels unloved.

my suggestion would be for you, and your husband, maybe even the grandmother, take some time out to bond with her. make her feel special, attention just on her, but in a Positive way. maybe u can spend time w/ her on a walk, or at the park, or just ask her to go w/ you on errands. i guess if she is really bad and cusses and stuff u are going to get upset, but remember this about positive/negative reinforcement: ANY reaction from you, whether good or bad, is gonna reinforce her. so, if she wants attention, she will get it at Any cost. she will cuss to see ur reaction; probably even satisfying when u and ur husband look upset or angry. but if u ignore it, u are not reinforcing it, u are not giving it ANY attention. but when she does ANYTHING nice, or good, or if she is quiet, give her compliments! eventually, even the littlest thing she does, if it gets compliments, she may learn to seek Positive attention, instead of Negative.

i want u to read this article about positive reinforcement, it's REALLY interesting and fun. i hope it helps you. good luck. :)

http://www.dingosgotmybaby.com/2006/07/15/behavior-modification-shamu/

Answer 2

Try seeking couseling.... Family counseling, not just one on one...
She sounds like she still holds a lot of resentment for being treated so badly by her birth mother.... I was sorta like that myself as a younster... I felt as though if my own mom doesnt want me or love me, then why should I believe it when someone else says that they do.... Especially since her birth mother treated the oldest and the youngest better than her!!!!
Or if you cant afford outside counseling, try speaking to her guidance couselor at school!!!!

I really feel bad for your step daughter and the rest of your family.... Its a tough situation that yall are in, but if you dont change it now, It will only get a LOT WORSE!!!!!!

I wish you all the luck in the world....
God Bless,

Answer 3

Love her, that is the best thing for a child that has not had a lot of love in the past.

Other than that, try counseling, It will help her get past the anger issues she has and lets face it if her mother treated her like that she may be dealing with a lot of other things that her mother did to her that you don't know about. Not all children tell about abuse.

Answer 4

She has self-esteem problems. Family counseling might help, but it's not guaranteed. You need to find something SHE can do that makes her feel good about herself. Nothing you can do will give that to her, or if it did - it would only make her dependent on an outsider's actions for her sense of self-worth.

So, if she is good at anything (track, basketball, art, music, or whatever) AND she enjoys doing it - let her indulge it to her heart's content. Let her start doing things that she wants to do that can help others (like babysitting?). Finding out that she is worth something to the world will help her a lot.

Answer 5

I would try family counseling because if you do not stop her behavior now it will only get worse. My niece is going through this right now with her daughter. they caught her smoking, taking drugs ,having unprotected sex. She has her in a home right now trying to get her the help she needs. The other thing is there is always military camp or boot camp.

Answer 6

Well the best thing to do and you may not want to hear this, but get it church you and the entire family.
But also sat her down talk to her just you and her see what is on her mind...talk to her like she is 6 years old just nice and calm and friendly she will probably open up to you then. That makes my girls talk to me when they feel they have been wronged. Just open up the lines of communication.

God Bless.......

Answer 7

She probably needs to talk to someone outside of the family { counselor } to be able to work through her problems . It sounds like she is in too much pain , and is also very confused at her young age , to be able to express herself to family members.
Don't put this off or she will get even more rebelious .
None of this is her fault .


Love her and get her help!

Answer 8

Buy one of those zip up in the back w/footies pajamas for her. Sew Velcro to the back of it. Adhere the other part of the Velcro strips to the wall. Put your daughter in the outfit. Carefully place in line with the strips on the wall. Turn up your favorite music, to drown out the barking comments. Classical is always good!

Or there is always counseling!

Answer 9

compromise..take things away when she miss behaves make her earn her things ..tones will change..remind her she is LOVED.. also I'd like to say keep up the good work..some times tough love isn't all that tough ..eventually rewarding

Answer 10

family consulting is a must good luck