solving child anger?

Question

my 5 year old has a suprising amount of rage that just wont end. None of our other kids have the anger he has. We've tried every thing but sending him to a shrink. Have any ideas on how to redirect his temper with out hurting anyone or costing a bunch?

Answer 1

It sounds like he’s trying to gain some power. Are there any new changes in his life (move, new school, new baby, family issues)? If so, give him lots of extra love and support.

When he is misbehaving or having a tantrum try this. As soon as he misbehaves, get down to his level and say "I don't like when you (explain what and why)." Take him gently by the hand and put him in a spot in your home (bedroom, the couch.) Say "When you're ready to (calm down, stop hitting, listen, behave) then you can come back with me." This is not a time out because you are not giving a time limit (you controlling him). He returns when he's ready to control himself. You may have to take him back to the spot a few times before he gets the message. Thank him when she behaves. Keep it up!

Empathize with him when he is calm. Say things like “You must have felt really (mad, angry, frustrated, hurt, upset.). What can we do about that?” Give him some ideas about what to do instead of throwing a tantrum. He should learn to better express his feelings.

Try and use logical consequences whenever possible. Taking away a toy or privileges when your son misbehaves is not a logical consequence. Taking away a toy if he throws it or is destructive with it is logical. These are some other examples of logical consequences. If he makes a mess, he cleans it. If he breaks a toy, it goes in the trash. If he damages something in the home, he does things around the house to pay for the damages. Let the discipline fit the crime.

Notice him when he is not misbehaving. Say things like "You worked on that for a long time! Look how high you can climb! You did that by yourself! You used so many colors on that picture!" These are intrinsic motivators rather than extrinsic rewards ("Good job," stickers, candy). These phrases are great confidence builders and will help him to feel powerful in a positive way.

Set limits, follow through, and offer choices, not chances. You can say “Do you want to do that by yourself or do you want some help?” "No" should mean "No" the first time you say it. Say "Yes" as much as possible. Be patient and consistent. Good luck!

Answer 2

Of course you must find out what he is so angry about. There is a reason for this behaviour and there's no point treating the symptoms without treating the cause, whatever it is. There is no shame in speaking with a child psychiatrist - your son is certainly not happy about being angry, so finding out is your duty to him.

And like the others have said, make sure he knows there is a safe way for him to express his anger. A bop-doll, an inflatable thing that keeps popping back up, can be somewhere so that he can bash it to vent his rage might be an idea.

Remember that he needs to learn to control his temper now, not after he has reached an adult's height and size. He would be dangerous then, so you need to get on top of it now - as I'm sure you already realise.

Something has happened that has triggered this anger and you need to find out why he is angry. What does he tell you when you ask him what he is angry about?

Answer 3

There are some other things you can try before sending him to a shrink. My mum was a foster parent and then a child minder so i have grown up with lots of under fives some of whom have been very very angry little kids. I am happy to say that they all grew out of it.

Somethings you can try are not giving attention when they are naughty or angry but giving constant positive attention when they are good.
You could have something like a wall chart to mark good behaviour with some sort of award system. Lots of children benefit from a system like this to help them to choose to behave well.

I would strongly advise against spanking. If he already has a problem with rage you don't want to demonstrate that slapping is accetable.

Having a calm time out space can also work.

Sometimes parents and children can get locked into unhealthy zero sum games where the parent has been dragged down to the child's level. This is very easy to do especially when the adult is also tired at the end of a busy day. IF the child gets angry about certain issues like eating or toys - you could try encouraging him to get involved in the planning of the events -
ask him how to plan it so everyone gets a chance to play or something like that.

I have to say that it is hard when a child behaves like this but they do get through it. (We had one who used to stand in the middle of the room and scream at the top of his voice at a pitch that would break glass. NOw he is a lovely well adjusted teenager.!)

Good luck.

Answer 4

You have various other suggestions, so I won't repeat (try not to).
Take him to do some karate (not so he can beat the kids) but to vent his anger, any other sport he's interested in should do the trick (tennis, swimming or football)
-Actually maybe team sports would be better for him, so he can learn to cooperate better with others, and to hold his temper.
-Second thing is food. Talk to a dietician just to make sure what you're doing, but I give my son omega 3 supplements and ask her on wether changing the milk might do the trick.
-My son was much calmer when drinking rice milk, or soya.
It might sound a bit odd, but it's worth doing some research into what could be changed in his diet.
Good luck

Answer 5

My five year old daughter also had problems and even resorted to scratching her own face or pulling her own hair when she was angry. We bought squishy dolls (you could use cars or balls for a boy) and keep one in the car, one in the kitchen, and one in my purse. When she is angry, she gets her doll and squeezes it to release her frustrations.

We also have a "Mad Corner" in her bedroom. There are a couple of pillows and a couple of stuffed animals that she can punch to release her frustrations.

This may sound crazy, but it works. Allowing my daughter an established outlet for her anger has actually helped her to learn to manage her temper. She is a different child now!!

Answer 6

My husband and I have tempers, we don't go throwing things or hitting each other but we do a good amount of yelling at each other and our son. When we control ourselves and act calmly for a few days at a time we really see a difference in our 2.5 yr old son. He basically needs to be in a calm environment and be treated with lots of patience and tolerance or else he's nervous reck.
You can email me if you want to talk about it, my son has a really bad temper too.

Answer 7

Don't know the whole situation but here are some questions:

1. Is there anything going on at home?
2. Are there any issues at school?
3. How is your discipline style?
4. Is he getting enough sleep?
5. How is his diet?

If everything is fine, then take him to see a psychiatrist.

Answer 8

my son has rage issues, but i'm almost at the point of saying "had". i have worked with him non stop on this. i read books, got on websites, book stores. so to save you time, it's basically down to his self esteem. somewhere along the way it got low. and just find things where he cant lose or fail. find things that make him feel good about himself. NOT things that make him feel good. there's a difference. example, thing that makes him feel good= candy, tv, toys....but things that make him feel good about himself= game nite with you and him only, reading to him daily, cards to him in his backpack, one on one time for no apparent reason. Get it? he just needs to know he's great! my child's low self esteem took a dive when his father left us. he felt like his "buddy" abandoned him even though his father sees him every other weekend. but you see he saw his father living every day with a new boy (exactly his age) and that hurt him like hell. so i had to build him up. now he knows his place in his fathers heart and his place in this world. little by little i build him up. so try to find the "incident" that may have made his self worth take a dip. and try to fix it if you can. if you can't then just talking it out is always good. GOOD LUCK and feel free to email me if you need more input.

Answer 9

most of the time, kids learn by observation. is anyone in your house aggressive? or maybe a friend of his, or a friends parent? that may be the cause. or maybe you just need to sit down with him and talk to him about it. if it is enough rage to concern you, you may want to take him to a counselor.

Answer 10

sarat0,

you've "tried everything"--does that mean meds?
hope not
if so, get him off 'em

"none of [your] other kids have the anger he has"
maybe not, but they DO have a lot of information about what's going on with him

sorry to suggest this,
but you're going to have to spend time
with your son
to learn the cause of his anger