parents. I have been saving for several years. Since I am paying for everything, we are planning a very small wedding with our closest family members and friends present. My future mother-in-law is insisting that we invite 6 of her friends, so that she and her husband will have "people to talk to at the wedding". She did the same thing when her daughter got married. When her daughter refused, she invited her friends herself and told them that they weren't doing invitations, just inviting people via word of mouth. (Yes, she has some nerve.) Since she has a history of doing whatever she wants, I have no doubt that she will invite these friends (who my fiancee and I have never even met) to our wedding whether we want her to or not. We have spoken to her on many occasions, but she refuses to respect our wishes. She has to be at the wedding, she is his mother after all. Even if she offers to pay for them, we really only want people close to us in attendance. Thanks for any advice!
2006-09-15 04:07:31 · 12 answers · asked by Sharon 5 in Family & Relationships ➔ Weddings
I actually really like the idea of having someone at the door with a list of those that are allowed in. Actually, the threat of doing this might just be enough. Why would she want to put her friends through the embarrasment of being turned away in front of everyone, because they are not on the list? We have told her (and my fiancee has been doing most of the communicating with her, since I agree that I don't want to be the "bad guy") that they are certainly welcome to come to Europe with her, but why would they want to come to our wedding when they don't know us, other than to get a free meal? She just likes to show off and thinks it is very "fancy" that her son is getting married in Europe. It is not about all of that to us. Great advice, thanks so much! I think a bouncer is the way to go! Then he can take care of everything and I won't have to worry about any un-invited guests appearing on my wedding day! Thanks for all of your help!
2006-09-15 04:43:54 · update #1
Touchy subject mothers in law...they are after all always going to be present in your life at one time or another.
My father in law did something quite similar, he invited people my husband and I didn't know to the wedding and it was my husband who spoke to him, not me, there was a huge drama fest but in the end those people didn't go to the wedding and we were quite happy.
I suggest the following, have your fiancee talk with his Dad and Mom (alone) to let her know that although you guys want to respect her wishes of having friends present, you want the ceremony to be a private affair, and since this is your wedding and not hers she should respect your wishes, even if she is paying, and that he already knows what she did in his sisters wedding and how it hurt his sisters' feelings. That won't work, but what it does is basically have her son tell it to her face that what she is doing is wrong without you being the evil one.
After that, tell your boyfriend to insist on meeting the people his mom is bringing, and to introduce you too, your mother in law will think that this is ridiculous, but tell him to insist on it by saying that he doesn't want unknown people in your wedding, so you should at least meet this people before they go all the way to Europe to watch you getting married.Remember...everything should be done by him don't get too involved in this battle.
If she doesn't get it after that, have the woman sit with her friends and forget about her, it is your wedding after all, pay no attention to her and enjoy it. She is probably just looking for attention, or trying to steal your thunder and it is up to you not to let her.
2006-09-15 04:25:32 · answer #1 · answered by White 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Your future mother-in-law sounds so very much like mine. This is your day with your new husband so what you say goes. Try explaining to her again that you are on a budget and you only want YOUR close family and friends there. Sit her down and talk to her about it and make sure your future husband is there by your side. You both need to stand up to her together. If she's not paying for anything she should have no say in who's there and who's not. My parents are paying for everything for my wedding and when my future mother-in-law found this out she started inviting everyone she knows (since she didn't have to foot the bill). We made her cut this guest list down considerably. Don't let her push you into spending more money and inviting people you don't want there. Be strong and stand up to her!! It's your wedding and should be done your way! Good Luck!
2006-09-15 11:17:32 · answer #2 · answered by Lucycat 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Well I hope it's Your Fiancee AND you that are paying for the wedding. It is going to be your day, and I know it's going to be VERY stressful. Fortunately, you're having a destination wedding so keeping the guest list down is easier. You and your Fiancee' invite only whom YOU want to invite. Your future Mother in Law is supposed to be there to support your union and witness the joining of your two families, NOT to be a socialite. If she has to have someone else there, then maybe her closest friend, but certainly not 6 of them, nor should you be expected to pay for them. If she must travel with her "Entourage" then perhaps she should go somewhere else. She DOES NOT have to be there, she's invited because you WANT her there.
If it becomes an issue, then send out apology notes to her friends stating that you're sorry if your mother in law invited them, but you want your wedding to be a small family affair and that you'd be happy to meet them later on. Don't forget to thank them.
You should pick up a copy of Emily Post's Wedding Ettiquette. It has tactful ways to handle most situations and to prevent hard feelings.
His Mother should want to be there regardless of wether her friends are there or not. it is her Son afterall. so if she threatens not to come, tell her it's her choice, but that both your Finacee' and you would love to have her.
One other small piece of advice, which may not be necessary, is that if there's a lot of details for your wedding day, especially if you don't know the location well, would be to hire a "Day of" wedding planner. They are only 2 or 3 hundred bucks, but they'll handle all the behind the scenes details, like making sure everyone is where they'll need to be, and running to get things people may forget. keeping track of your few guests and any presents that may arrive, so that you do not have to worry about any of that. we hired one for my wedding 13 months ago, and it was the best 300 bucks we'd spent, we planned it all, she was just there to execute the whole plan, not to mention handled issues that came up that we couldn't have known about.
Congratulations, and good luck :)
2006-09-15 11:50:43 · answer #3 · answered by jeepguy_usa 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I was in a similar situation but with my own mother. I wanted a tiny wedding but my mom wanted a huge wedding and invite everyone she knew. It got so bad that eventually I told her that if she was going to continue like this, I wasn't going to have any wedding and my husband and I were just going to elope. Eventually, we got it done our way and my parents did attend (minus the 200 extra guests they wanted) and it was lovely.
Although it would be bad to not be at the wedding, if she is going to drive you that crazy (and perhaps ruin your wedding day), perhaps you two should just elope. I'm sure your parents would understand. Just elope and bring a couple of really close friends as your witnesses. With the money you've saved, you could perhaps have a small reception (with or without those extra people) after you return from the honeymoon. But don't let them ruin your actual wedding day. If you don't do it your way, you may regret it for the rest of your life. You only get married once.
2006-09-15 11:13:06 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Wow. So not only does she want you to pay for meals for friends, she expects them to shell out $1,000+ for travel and hotel, not to mention a gift, attire (if needed), and food while they are there, etc... So she wants them to spend upwards of $2,000+ to go to a wedding of people that they don't know? How selfish!
I agree with the bouncer idea. It don't have to be a big ape, but it should be a man who is ready to deal with any problems if they show up. Let her know that you are going to have a doorman there with a guest list, or let it be known that guests need to show their wedding invitation to get in the door. Word of mouth won't do any good for the people she invites, so she would probably get the hint.
Or just wait and see who shows up. Just have exactly the number of chairs available at the ceremony. Put name labels on the back of the chairs if you want, then when the uninvited guests show, they will have to give a name to be seated. When there name isn't on a chair, tell the guys to make them leave.
Try threatening her. Lay down the ultimatum, as long as your fiance is willing, that either she uninvited (or doesn't ask to being with) the people, or she doesn't come to the wedding. I'm willing to bet that her son is more important than her friends. If she doesn't comply, you have to be ready to stand by taking her off guest list.
Or compromise with her. Tell her that she can invite one couple, as long as she is willing to pay their cost of food and drink. You will not pay for these people, but you will tolerate their presence for her sake.
Whatever you decide, it has to be something that you and your fiance are willing to follow through on. He needs to be in the same mind set as you, and you have to be ready to stand as a couple against her. A united front is harder to break through and ignore than a single person.
Good Luck!
2006-09-15 12:04:20 · answer #5 · answered by welches_grape_jelly 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
There is little that you can do short of having the ushers stand at the door and refuse to admit anyone without an invitation. I suggest that you have a serious talk with your fiance and he have a serious talk with his parents. If things are this bad now, they will only get worse after you are married.
By the way, you might have your fiance remind his parents that they will be there to witness their son getting married, not so that they can party with their friends.
2006-09-15 11:31:01 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
She may be able to invite them to the area she is staying, but she cant invite them to your wedding. Refuse to have them at the wedding, what she does outside her wedding duties doesnt have to interfere with her and not her friends being at your wedding. She can meet up with them before and after the wedding, and they can sightsee during the wedding. Everybody should be happy with a bit of compromise. But if they want to give you a really big wedding gift... hehe
2006-09-15 11:25:31 · answer #7 · answered by fivemtnlarls 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I think that is very silly. I hope that the reception you have name cards and if those peoples names are not on the cards they wont be let in to the reception. You can also do this for the wedding have one of the groomsmen at the door with names so he can let in those person whom are not on the list. That should teach her a lesson.
2006-09-15 12:42:30 · answer #8 · answered by Joyann R 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Have a list, hire a bouncer. Seriously - no one is going to argue with a 6 and a half foot ape.
2006-09-15 11:16:35 · answer #9 · answered by ? 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
it is your day and you are paying. she needs to shut her mouth. and if she doesnt like it, she does not have to be there. my dads parents werent at my mom and dads wedding. the day will go one. i agree with someone at the door though. that is a good idea. your fiance needs to step up to the plate and tell her to cut the sh&t!
2006-09-15 14:01:29 · answer #10 · answered by mml619 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋