Conflicting parenting styles, kids backtalking/disrespecting step-parent even w/bio. parent present = DIVORCE?

Question

Yes I know couples fight over parenting styles, limit setting, out of control, disrespect step-kids (minor and adult). But is it outrageous or crazy for a couple to divorce because of these problems? Like if a couple has been reasonably happy with no kids for 10 yrs then 7 months after getting custody of 4 of the bio parent's kids it becomes clear that they are all rude and respectful to the stepparent, the bio parent's style of parenting is basically to let them do as they please (examples: teen kids backtalk and disrespect step parent daily, 20 yr old makes $250 a week in a job but bio parent refuses to have him pay any bills in home or even buy his own food). Bio parent very rarely corrects them for disrespect to the stepparent, etc. Would it be considered unheard of or silly for the step-parent to leave this 10yr relationship and seek divorce due mostly to these problems or is this a common reason for divorce?

Answer 1

It sounds like there are a lot of issues that you didn't feel you had to discuss with your partner before the kids arrived. You trusted that it would all be fine therefore you didn't need to make sure that you and your partner were on the same page about lots of important issues. I understand that, but it's unfortunate that you didn't discuss this before now.

Because to me, these sound like fairly serious issues. I would not want to live in a family where I am not respected. I believe I am entitled to respect no matter what.

From what I have read, it is not uncommon to marry outside your culture and then to have that person 'change' once reinforcing elements of his own culture arrive - in this case, his kids. One example is the true book 'Not Without My Daughter', where a Muslim man changes completely once he is back in his own country with his American wife.

If you don't think his kids will change, and if he is not going to enforce from them the respect you deserve, then if I were you I would seriously consider cutting your losses, chalking it up to experience and finding someone who will give you the respect you deserve.

Good luck. You are right to insist upon being treated decently. You are not crazy, you have the right to be treated well.

Answer 2

Conflicting Parenting Styles

Answer 3

May I suggest counseling? Not just for the parents, but also for the kids. Divorce in these situations is not unheard of but, do you really want one? It sounds like you were happy and maybe with counseling, you still could be. I agree that the oldest should be helping out in some way if living there is continued. Learning how to pay bills on time comes from practice, as does managing their money.
At the very least, you must talk to your spouse. Let your spouse know how unhappy, and tormented you are. Express your emotions on how it was before and how it is now. Then seek professional help. I would suggest a good christian counselor to help you through this difficult time. A worldly viewpoint will only add fuel to an already burning fire. I will pray for your home situation, and your seeking help. Good luck!

Answer 4

This would be tough on a step parent trying to do the right thing. But really they dont have a say. Especailly to a 20 yr old ADULT.
For the other kids it depends on their ages if they are all in their teens I'm sorry to say but the step parent is too late in the game now to try to disapline. Its a silly thing to divorce over but I notice you've been together 10 yrs so I think there's other issues here,not just the children.

Answer 5

I would hope for the sake of a 10 year relationship that you wouldn't give up too soon. It sounds like the custodial parent is trying to make up for not being there for the kids for so long that is willing to let them walk all over them as a misguided expression of love and devotion. Counseling is needed in this family asap, whether the kids want to go or not with the two of you, force the issue in a calm way. Find a therapist right away so you don't loose what you have, but make it better instead. Best of luck to you and your family.

Answer 6

That's a tough one. At 20 I agree that this person should be paying something to the household, and making more then $250 a week. That's a decision you are going to have to make on your own, though it's not unheard of. These kids should be taught to respect the adults, all the adults, in the house. My son would NEVER disrespect my fiance, and vice verse. I wouldn't allow it.

Answer 7

Respect isn't given, it's earned. You both need to earn each others respect. You're both adults. Explain to the son that adult behavior is expected from him.

This was a problem I had with my stepmother. Instead of trying to earn respect, she tried to demand it. It doesn't work any differently at home than it would at the office or out at a public event. To get respect, you must give respect. You're not automatically entitled to respect just because you're married to their father, no matter how much we wish it was really like this.

I think my situation might have been somewhat different than this one, however, in that I was already purchasing my own food, paying a third of the electricity and a third of the water, paying my own car payments, my own car insurance, and my own cell phone bill. No matter what I did, it wasn't good enough and finally I had to stop trying to please everyone else except myself, and I not only moved out, I RAN out. I can't handle screaming matches over a shirt on the floor when I'm putting in 52 hours a week at work.

Show me that you truly have my best interests at heart, and I'll show you that I truly have your best interests at heart. This starts with being civil towards one another. Be kind, but firm with your expectations. Don't start a screaming match over trivial things. You need to explain to him that you don't like feet on your furniture. He probably grew up in a household previously where it didn't matter because the furniture was cheap or the parents just didn't care. Explain to him that you care about your furniture and you want him to care about it too, because money was invested in it and you would like it to look nice.

Pick your battles. You can't change someone overnight.

Think about it for awhile. Pick REAL peeves. Pick REAL expectations. Pick ATTAINABLE goals in the beginning. Sit down with the father, BY YOURSELVES, during a time where there will be no interruptions and the children cannot overhear. Explain to him the problem you're having. Explain to him what you want to see change and your expectations if you're all going to be able to work together as a family. Explain to him the consequences if these changes don't happen within a timely manner.

Once you have it all out on the table, the ball is in their court. Marital and family counseling isn't out of the question. Divorce hurts. Forever. Once a divorce occurs, it shatters the world of happily ever after and it shatters the idea that mom and dad are forever. It's very hard to cope. It's very hard to accept it and work towards healing. And regardless of what popular belief is, the kids know a divorce is coming before it ever reaches the lawyers. I knew my parents were going to divorce in the 4th grade. They finally got the balls to do it when I was in the 6th. We pick up on unhappiness, and that makes us unhappy. It's hard to break the cycle of unhappiness, if it's all you've ever known.

Answer 8

No, it is not unusual to want to leave, but don't. Weather the storm. There has already been enough choas in their life. They don't need anymore, no matter who's fault it is. I'm in a similar situation (step-dad), except I raised the bio's kids from ages 8 & 4 to now 19 & 15. There is no easy solution to this issue. You're angered, and rightfully so, because you're life has been disrupted. Well, theirs has been disrupted too so it's just as difficult for them, if not more so, than it is for you. The root problem you are the authority in your house, but not an authority to them - atleast not yet. Remember - You're not mom/dad; never were, never will be, but your are the person married to thier parent and that gives you certain rights.

First off, yelling and screaming gets you nowhere, so don't bother.
You don't mention ages except for one so I'll assume he/she is the oldest. You and you're spouse must first discuss among the two of you what is expected of that child and what the consequences are if those expectations are not met. Example - I'm not going to charge you rent, but you will be expected to pay a bill, ie gas, electric, cable tv, cell phone, etc. If that fails to happen within and/or for x amount of time you will be asked to leave. I won't throw you out on the street, but I will give you 30-60 days to find someplace else to go. Or simply suggest that "it's obvious you're not happy here. Can I help you find your own place so that you can be happy?". Once you and your spouse can agree on something then present it to him/her. Tell him/her you want to talk WITH them, not TO them. Start the conversation exactly like this "I know I'm not your mother/father, but I love you just the same. I provide half the roof under which you sleep. I have no say in what you do outside these four walls, but I do while you live here. Your m/f and I have decided....".

The younger ones are different. Keep in mind they're kids and they don't yet posses the capability to make rational decisions like you and I can. They just don't, so don't expect them to. What they need is a role model and guidance. From the sounds of it they never had it. It's not you personally they're mad at, it's the situation, and they can't make sense of it. It's not their fault nor yours. They need you to be they strong one in the family if no one else will be. Don't be mean, be firm. You want them to respect you, not hate you. You want them to listen to you, not be afraid of you. Keep in mind, and this is tough, that YOU are the outsider, not them. Don't be a dictator, be a parent. Go to the soccer games. Go to the horrible choir concerts. Take them to the doctor. Let their friends spend the night. Ever see the commercial of the guy sword fighting in his front yard dressed up like Darth Vader? He looks like a fool, but he's playing with his boy. That's what you need to do. You've got to do it for them. It's not about you anymore, it's about them. And believe it or not, they need you. You may never hear it from them, bu they do.

Put yourself in their place for just one moment. How would you feel, if when you were growing up, you m & d split and one of them married the neighbor down the street, whom you've known for ten years, and now all of a sudden he moves in and becokes your boss? You'd hate that, right? Well, that's what they're going through.

This is not an easy task. This will take time - years perhaps (11 for me and I'm still not in the top 5), so don't rush it. YES, there will be things that really tick you off. NO, there is nothing you can do about it. Relax, let the dust settle. There will be times when you just want to throw a hammer through the wall, pack it all in and leave. But what good comes from that? Nothing!! They've had enough leaving in their lives. Don't compound it.

Answer 9

No, it is not unheard of at all. It is hard to be a stepparent and hard to be a step child. I think that issues like this break up 2nd relationships/marriages fairly frequently. Good luck.

Answer 10

Usually the step-parent ask the child to call them by their first name, rather than mom or dad because the child has a mom and dad. As time goes on, if the child decides, they might change their minds. But again, that should be up to the child.