How do I tell our inlaws to butt out concerning our childrens homeschooling.?

Question

Our inlaws are always telling us

Answer 1

I know exactly where you are coming from...

Our 8yo has never been to public or private or any other school (except she has chosen a one day a week science class, she loves science)in her life. My mom loved speaking with her on the phone, hearing her read. She was in awe at how our dd's learning was progressing, and how happy she was BUT...when we pulled our then 8yo ds out of school four years ago, well, lets just say she and my MIL had complete fits but the Grandpas thought it was the greatest thing since sliced bread. :-) My FIL was especially excited; he hates the schools and how they teach and how kids are all made to learn from a canned curriculum, so he loved the fact the we were home educating.

With the Grandma's it was..."What about the socialization?" They were not concerned at all about the educational benefits, they knew that the kids would receive a super education from home, it was only the socialization. My mother cried and felt soooo sorry for our ds, but now (four years later) she is a HUGE homeschool proponent. She sees how they both act socially around new people, how they interact with each other, what an absolute great childhood that they are having and that they are well-educated to boot.

Keep in mind that your in-laws are probably as uninformed as many on this site. They speak from fear and the unknown, and out of love and concern for their grandchildren, or perhaps they've run into some strange home educating family and they, (like people on this site who are anti-homeschooling) have decided that that is what homeschooling looks like. With time, it will pass.

You do have to be firm though with not only in-laws but other relatives. This is what we had to do in order to have peaceful relationships, they had protested and that was that. Afterwards, A warning was given: "We understand that this is troubling you but our minds are made up, you may not approve of our decision but it was our decision regardless and if you want to hear from us, then please don't try and talk us out of it or tell us how wrong you think we are."

In short, they do not have to respect or even like your decision but they have to respect you as THE parents.

Good luck, just stay true to yourselves and stand strong in what you believe is the best for YOUR children. :-)

Answer 2

There are lots of good responses to your question already.

The important thing is to realize that they are concerned about their grandchild's education, just as you are concerned about your child's education and safety. Find out exactly what their concerns are, then address those specific concerns. When they say something like, "how will they ever have any friends", just re-state the concern in your own words... "so you're concerned that they won't have any friends". Then, when they've had their say, you can address each concern individually. If they're worried about what kind of education they'll get, present them with the facts regarding homeschoolers and standardized testing. If you're not against it, have your kids tested and present the results to mom and dad, just like you would a report card. If their concern is socialization, take every opportunity to relate to them Susie or Timmy's latest group meeting, class, sports team event, birthday party attendance, ... anything done in a group. If possible, invite them to attend a homeschoolers get together (park day, library day, class, field trip) so they can see the socialization taking place.

They may have other concerns, but those are usually the two biggest. If homeschooling is something you just started, give them some time to get used to the idea. I'm sure you took some time in making the decision, so let them have time to research it, think about it, and adjust to your decision. Eventually, they may even become proud supporters of the homeschool movement.

Best wishes!

Answer 3

If they are interefering, find out why. Do they feel "left out"? Are they oponents? Do they have something "to give"?
Have a family meeting, first have each garndparent or family member in the vecinity write a list of the things they know very well. Grandma in-law may be a super baker. Grandpa may be a science or PC nerd, mommy might be a creative writer or artist, dad may be great at math, etc. Each makes a list of 4 things. Now, decide IF you wish to include them into your homeschool or not. If so, say, Wednesdays, from 10-11:30, come by and "teach" the children in this subject. And be sure to tell them, that interruptions in the remaining of the school-time is not allowed. You can tell them that once a month, or once a quarter, you will give them a copy of the progress report. Yearly you will give them a copy of the testing results *(SAT).

If they are caustic to your family and your homeschooling....that is a problem. You will have to tell them so. Ask them to change or to stay away. Be sure they understand that you will love them and come visit ONLY if they can keep to your request to refrain from attacks. Otherwise...find a "new" supportive friend or family member to include in your homeschool circle. Support and love is necessary for the children and the parents, if they can't DO THIS, then say your good-by's ! Explain this to your children if they are old enough to understand.

It is afterall YOUR TURN to raise your children...your in-laws are "done", if they can cooperate, then they should no longer be involved at all. Don't feel bad or guilty either. I am sure they kept people out of their life that were mean or attacking or non-supportive while raising YOU !!!!!!!!!

Answer 4

Go overboard thanking them for their opinion. Say, "Oh, that's so interesting." or "Wow, I really appreciate all the time you've put into thinking about their interests."

If the kids were in public schools and the in-laws were curious or had concerns, you probably wouldn't find it stressful or judgemental. C'mon, you are doing something totally out of the mainstream and you expect them to not notice or comment? Why? Are you guys New Englanders who prefer not to dicuss anything?

Get in the conversation, have fun, share what you know. What on earth is wrong with someone telling you.....?

Maybe I just have more confidence in my choice than you, but when people criticized homeschooling to me or to my husband, we found it personally amusing and outwardly a chance to enlighten people.

The proof is in the pudding. If your kids are happy, involved in good activities, and appear to be learing and motivated, your inlaws will come around. And, in the meantime, who cares?

(If you are homeschooling to keep your kids away from realities like dinosaurs preceding humans on earth, then your in-laws are justifiably concerned. Otherwise, help them make the transitition and complain about them in your homeschool support group.)

Answer 5

First make sure that you are on solid ground. Do you have an approved curriculum, a set time to work on schooling, are the kids showing good progress? Are you part of a homeschooling network so you have the support of others and an outlet for social interaction for the kids? Do you understand and use the state standards for your child's grade level? If not, if your idea of homeschooling is letting them watch tv and play video games all day, then your relatives may have a valid point. However, if you can honestly say that you are making a good, consistent, and effective effort then...
Do not get drawn into arguments with them, practice tactful responses to what you know, by now, they are going to say. Both you and your husband should practice these and be on the same page when talking about this subject. For example, "I agree that schooling is important. In school, our child is one of 30 or more. At home, he can get so much more attention. or , "You're right that kids need to be around other kids to develop social skills, that's why we have them involved in ___ (you fill in the blank)

Or, try looking at the person with a puzzled look and ask, "Why would you ask that?"

Or, having suffered through their soapbox speech on something, simply comment," Well, you've given us a lot to think about, thanks." Then change the subject.

Perhaps you can get them to see the advantages by asking them for help and support occasionally. For example, if little Johnny is having trouble learning analog time, share that with a relative and ask them for suggestions. Ask them to ask the child what time it is frequently and to help the child figure out the clock each time. Share successes when they do well on something. " Thanks for your help with teling time, little Johnny has the idea now." Everyone has a talent, surely they have some skills or talents they can share with the kids. A local grandma wasn't thrilled with homeschooling, but agreed to teach her grandaughter to sew a quilt for a 4-H project. They had a great time, were able to work math, reading, research, and writing into their time together and the little girl got a blue ribbon and a love of quilting. I am a 4-H leader and we have many homeschoolers in our club.

Hope this gives you some ideas.

Answer 6

My grandparents never liked the idea of us homeschooling when we were growing up...they were always telling us how we would miss out on socialization, but as we got older, and turned out to be more mature and probably a little smarter they agreed that homeschooling was ok.

You should probably just tell them that you know what YOU did and went through when YOU were in school, and want YOUR kids to be different.

Hey, its a proven fact that homeschoolers do just as good as other kids...if not better, than anything the school kids do, its not like they aren't going to be dumb bunnies unless you don't teach them right

Answer 7

With patience. Everyone has an opinion. So what, they don't like the way you home school? Legally you have to ensure that the kids are learning and they should be taking test to make sure of that. Try and remember, they are older and they think they are wiser. Don't let this cause problems between you all. Show them how well the kids are doing and maybe that will keep them quiet. Good luck!

Answer 8

I always find it helpful to answer their concerns with facts. There have been many studies done on homeschooled children and some longitudinal studies on outcomes of homeschooled children as adults. They rank higher in positive social skills, academic ability, and successful intimate relationships than their traditionally schooled counterparts. Then i tell my parents that it is my responsibilty and i take it very seriously. by not handing it over to others. Schools are horrible places that have almost identical rules as most prisons...funny that...

Answer 9

My parents pretty much went through the same thing with my great aunt,and so,you can tell your in-laws all about how great home schooling,what studies have been done,but they will still say "Yea,but" so I would just ignore them and make sure that your kids become smart,and when your in-laws see that your kids are WAY better off then in public school,they'll but out.but remember,home schooling is what is best for YOUR kids,they had they're chance,now its yours.GOOD LUCK!

Answer 10

Hmmmm, have you read the book Boundaries? Excellent resource and highly recommended. I read that over the summer and found the strength to be able to tell people, while I appreciate that they care so much about me and my family, it is our decision and to question our decisions on how we raise our children is to step over the boundaries between what is my realm of authority and what is theirs.
Now the book shows you ways to word it nicer than that, but bottom line, it is your family and the decisions belong to you and your spouse. Just say, "you know, we love you and we are thrilled that you take such an interest in the kiddos education, but when you question what we do, how we do it, and why we do it, you are overstepping your boundaries with us. We need your love and support, not your judgment."