Intelligent advice sought for issue of 3-yr-old boy telling fairly outrageous untruths: please help if you can

Question

My son is telling his father and stepmother that I hit him with a belt! Who else is he saying this to? Why is he saying this? I don't even own a belt and if I did, I wouldn't be whacking small children with it! They don't believe him, but why would he be saying this stuff and how do I help him realise that it's not acceptable? Is he doing it just for the attention?

Background: 3 yr-old smart handsome boy. Parents separated as peacefully as possible when he was 1 1/2. Now lives part-time with mother, me, and part-time with father and his partner. Both parents have made huge efforts only to speak positively of other parent. The child is generally well-behaved and well-socialised, attending care 4 days / week since age of three. Has a busy happy life with various siblings and as much opportunity as possible. No other behavioural issues that aren't common to every three-year-old on the planet.

What is your advice? (Cruels and fools need not answer thank you).

Answer 1

Between the ages of 3 and 4, children are developing their imaginations and do not always have a grasp of what is truth from what is not. In this situation, telling people you hit him with a belt is probably something he either heard another child talk about or overheard an adult talk about. My guess is he isn't really sure what this "belt-hitting" thing is all about and he is expressing his desire to know what it means by telling your husband and his wife you did that to him. All 3 of you represent stability, love, and understanding to him so he feels safe exploring his worries with you. The 3 of you may have to discuss this without him around and agree as to how you will handle this consistently. You may be able to say something like this, "Son, sometimes I am angry with you and may spank you, but I don't use a belt, I always use my hand. Some people do spank their kids with a belt, but your dad and I don't. Do you know someone who gets hit with a belt?" Then dad can say something like, "Son, I know your mom loves you very much. Sometimes she is angry and may give you a spanking with her hand, but I know she wouldn't hit you with a belt. Some parents do hit their children with a belt. Do you know someone who gets hit with a belt?" It may be scary to think, but it is possible that someone in his care enviornment may be being abused and has told your son. If one of the other kids in care has older siblings, they may have over heard them talking about how "you are going to be in soooo much trouble, dad is going to hit you with a belt". My kids used to say that all they time although no child in our house every was hit by a belt either. My husband was, though, and he told the kids about it. Try to react with as little emotion as possible when your son tells whoppers. If he gets a big response, it may turn into an attention getting device. I am so glad that you and your ex and his wife are all focused on the well-being of your son. I see too many husbands and wives who turn on each other after a divorce and it is the children who suffer from it.

Answer 2

More then likely the child feels that he is not spending enough time with the other half of his life. So in order to instigate a prolonged visit he is telling the one story that in his mind will get him this visit.
In today's world there is so much media attention placed on "harsh treatment" of children that the child picks up on ideas from an early stage.

Teens yell; If you touch me I'll call the police!
Movies even those with a G rating will at one time or another hit on this very subject of divorced parents and the children that are in the middle.
All four adults can do everything in their power to give the child the right environment, but the child will not be satisfied.

Solution: Sit down with him and ask; Do you want to spend more time with your father? and if he says yes ask How much time do you want. Then make a true effort to accommodate him. Children are smart as you have found out so don't lie but try.

Answer 3

A child's brain is like a sponge. . it soaks up EVERYTHING and learns (eventually) how to use the information he has taken in. I would have to state that he is learning these behaviors from his peers at day care. He may see a kid get a lot of attention when that kid tells one of the care takers that he was beaten by a belt.

Your son does not have to understand what he is saying, he just has to observe the reaction it causes, and if that reaction meant a big hug and an extra cookie. . .well. . .he wants his. This is a learning process and it is what he will be doing for the rest of his life, the only difference is, learning what to do with what you know . . . correctly. That is your job to best explain that his actions are not correct and that may not be easy at three yrs old. Day Care can truly confuse children under three. . .as they always want reward and hate the word "No"! Good luck

Answer 4

Personally I wouldn't worry about it. If he did tell someone stranger, care provider, etc...they can tell if he is actually being abused or not. He probably just picked it up somewhere from TV or another kid. My son is almost three and likes to capture walking sticks, determines they are sick some how, so he steps on them, then puts them in a cup of water and carries them around saying they are asleep (until Daddy "wakes" them up and releases them...) do I have a future serial killer on my hands? I think not. I'm sure your little guy is just going through his own little guy stuff and will forget about the belt until something new comes along to talk about. I wouldn't lecture him about it 'cuase you know darn well he's not really gonna listen to a lecture for more than about 2 minutes. Good Luck!

Answer 5

Maybe you should try putting extra locks on your back door and or front door. And if it makes you feel better to know your son is safe with you, then I think it's good that he's sleeping with you. I live in Cambodia the (country next to you) and and the first house that me and my family lived in was this really tall one with like four stories, and I was on the fourth all by myself, and at first it kinda scared me, but after a while I got used to it and wasn't as scared, maybe it will work for you son too, except for of course I was nine at the time and he's only two.

Answer 6

If you could step back, and look at this situation from his point of view, is he at all unhappy when he as to be with you? Does his dad spoil him more than you do? Thus making him want to be with him more. If he were to tell a playmate this, this could lead to big trouble for you, but could be resolved once the authorities check it out, but what a hassel. Flat out tell him lieing is not accepted behavior and will have consiquences... it might be better coming from his father though.

Answer 7

He must have heard the thing about being hit with a belt from someone--a friend--somewhere--3 year old would not come up with it out of no where.

In general--at that age--the line between imagination and reality can be very blurred. I suggest you only correct him in cases like this. But in general it is harmless--as embarrassing as something like this one is. I would be very interested in finding out the source of this one. It is possible he is acquainated with a child who is being abused.

Answer 8

Have you tried talking to your son? Maybe he's got some past experiences with you that he doesn't like and he resorted to lying. He still can be disciplined at this age. You should start now or it will be too late. c",) Good luck. A psychologist can help you with your problem if it will keep on getting worst.

Answer 9

children often try to play one parent against the other for more attention, maybe this is the case with your son. have you tried talking with the parent that he is telling these lies to with him present. Maybe if he is confronted about it with the both of you there, and you both let him know that it is not acceptable for him to tell this lie , well maybe he will quit. If he knows that he is caught he will stop because he knows that it doesn't work.

Answer 10

sit down and try to explain to him that saying such things can cause alot of problems. That if he told the wrong person such a thing that they could take him away and that you would have no control over it. And that lying is a very bad thing and that you should never lie. Good luck.