After I have forgiven someone, can I trust them again?

Question

Let's say your wife secretly spends down the emergency bank account from over $5,000 to less than two thousand, and you forgive her; and at the same time she has secret credit cards with interest rates averaging over 20%; and when you find out about them the total is over $7,000; and you forgive her and transfer the balances to one of your low-interest credit cards, then she does it again, and bounces all kinds of checks, paying over 700 dollars in bank fees over a period of a few weeks trying to pay the balances on those credit cards, and you later find out; and you forgive her; and several months later you discover four more credit cards when mail comes in while she is out of town, and she swears (for the third time) that's the end of them, and you forgive her; and arrange for somone to get the mail for you before she gets it, so you can take charge of the whole mess: how soon can you trust her and mend your marriage?

And suppose she belongs to a religion in which she is already saved, and every sin is automatically annnuled; so it's no use invoking the fear of God's judgement...

Answer 1

You can mend your marriage, and i believe you must do just that and do it now before it spirals so far out of control that it cannot be mended. First of all, something is wrong. Can't you see that? Your wife clearly has a problem. Now, i am not saying that it is an unforgivable prblem such a a lover etc., but she definatley has a problem, which she is s hiding from. She is is a lot of pain and agony about something and she mask it in the form of overspending. Some people numb there problems with drugs, alcohol, sex, gambling, shopping, addiction to the internet, whatever it is that gives them a temporary high and takes their mind off the real problem. it normal families or families that apper normal on the surface (when the husband goes to work, wife either is a perft stay at home mom or is perfectly capable of keeping a professiion, and mainatianing a good homelofe (on the surface) attends P.T.A.. meetings, kids soccer games etc, butinside she is dying. Many times is it from something that happened to her a long tiem ago,maybe even as a child, and she has been able to hold up the facade for years, especially if her vice is shopping or prescription drugs b/c it often takes years for the downpour of these two vices to become obvious.

you have a few options here, first you need to find out what is really going on? does you wife has a terrible probelem with drugs alcolaol, gambling, etc. or is your wife just having a plain ole affair for which yu owe he rno more loyalty or help, i tend to believe you wife is in the middle of a crisis, perhaps on the verge of a breakdown and SHE NEEDS YOUR HELP, YOUR SUPPORT. SHE IS MAKING MISTAKES SO YOU WILL DISCOVER THE DECEPTION, B/C SHE CAN'T LIVE WITH IT ANY MORE

No, right now until she gets some professional help with the underlying problem causing her to overspend to this excess, SHE CANNOT BE TRUSTED WITH CREDIT CARDS NOR LARGE AMOUNTS OF HOUSEHOLD MONEY.

She has to be willing to work with you even if it does make her feel not trusted for a while, she has to understand that you cannot keep bailing her ot, but if you are comitted to your marriage, stand by her, hep her figure out what the problem is. It is equally important that you not take away all of her freedom to make choices, she needs money to spend and she does not have to accounnt to you for evert dime she spends, this would ony undermine her determination to get better, if you treat her like a child.

Se gets a certain agredd upon amount of money to spen each month (no questions asked) as long as she also takes care of the few responsibilities that the two of you determine that she must meet with her money. In time she will learn to manage money. But it is vital that she only have acces in the beginning to cash & a DEBITor pre-paid credit card (i say this b/c in our time of living an adult cannot live or function without a cc, you need them to make hotel reservations, car rentals etc, but she must have a pre set spending limit ABSOLUTLEY NO ACCESS TO OPEN ENDED REVOLVING CREDIT CARDS OR CHARGE CARDS---------TOO MUCH OF A TEMPTATION FOR EHR NOW

Keep in mind that this is a sickness, an addiction, just like drugs or any other, you jsut may nt understand it. She is going to have setbacks, all addicts do, the goal is to reduce the nnumber of set backs to zero, you have to be wiling to be supportive, not judgmental or accusatory. in time her slip ups will stop, the wil becoem less at first and she will recognize them, tell you about them and take immediate action to remedy them (cancel the order, take the unecessary purchases straight back) on one to two years she can and will beocme soeone you can and wil trust ocmpletely again, but it all rides on how you hande this delicate matter now. she needs you, she is crying out for hep

Answer 2

You can forgive her, and it will take a while to gain that trust back, but until she can prove that she can be more responsible about finances, you should not trust her with financial issues. Don't go behind her back and try to correct the situation through deception and treachery. Be upfront and honest with her about why you do not want her handling financial issues anymore. Let her know that if need be, you will be forced to open an account through which you will pay the bills and credit cards. All the while, you will give her some financial responsibilities here and there. When she is able to show you that she is mature about how she handles her finances, then she can have carte blanche again. Do however seek counseling, especially from a marriage therapist/counselor who specializes in financial issues. Do not try to correct this through treachery and deceit. That will only lead to divorce.

Answer 3

I would urge you to be extremely cautious. Your wife has obviosuly got a lot of problems that she does not wish to address. The born again thing is a way of escape for her and while she believes that she is safe from her God, she doesn't take responisibility for her actions, thus leaves you to do so for her. To forgive is good but you shouldn't forget what she did. She shouldn't either but she will because she is so convinced she's forgiven by higher authority. Meanwhile ... One person needs to keep their feet on the ground and it's you. Do not trust her with anymore credit in fact ... Why not remove her credit cards, tell her to ask God to provide for her spending! Otherwise you'll end up in so much debt you'll lose everything.

Answer 4

Forgiveness and trust are two separate issues. As is Repentence and absolution of wrong doing (conditional to repentence).

You may forgive the other party, but the other party despite proclaimations may not be able to change their ways immediately.

The reasons vary from deep seated values to habitual performance. If you are able to put this into perspective, you can trust yourself and the other person as to how far to go.

As a temporary measure until the issue is resolved, maintain legally separate bank accounts.

This has nothing to do with mistrust, but rather that the other party will have to learn to manage her own funds.
i.e. if you cannot help yourself, how are you likely able to help another ?

If the check bounces, do not bail her out of it, let her come to her own resolution. Learning by doing; she is not going to loose life and limb.

Any joint account should be mandatory for both parties to be present to sign any withdrawal.

In matters of religion which absolves one's wrong doing, it is only through repentence. Repentence mean correcting the offending action without exceptions, a hard thing for most church goers to accept, that often takes time to resolve.

As to how soon, observe word and deed over time such that both are in unison for the larger part.

Answer 5

No. You can't trust her again. She has a deep seated issue that certainly needs addressing, and soon. Take all credit cards off her, remove her name from all your accounts. Sort the mess before you get into deep financial trouble.

Answer 6

It's difficult to trust her again, but since she's your wife (and i don't think divorce is the quick answer to this), try counselling, and better if both of you will attend.

Answer 7

Actually it is not a trust issue here. It is an issue of self discipline she needs to control before she should access your money again.

Answer 8

Okay, forgive her. Try to give trust but not in expense of your ownself. Try counseling, but do not be naive. Think of yourself too.

Answer 9

Get her counselling it sounds like she has serious shopping problems. Take her to Dr Phil

Answer 10

Forgive doesn't mean forget. She's have to earn the trust back.