I am a lesbian. Given recent political discussions involving gay marriage, I am particularly sensitive (and a bit resentful) of the fact that I cannot LEGALLY marry my partner in this country. Yet I watch my straight friends and colleagues getting married regularly.
One of my closest (straight) friends got married over the summer, and I did not attend, because I did not feel comfortable going to help her celebrate something that I myself cannot do in this country. The idea just makes me feel icky inside.
However, because we are close friends, she felt that I should be there anyway, given that it was such an important day for her--and that I was judging her and being unfair to her. She ended our friendhship because of this issue.
Who is right?
2006-09-14 18:44:28 · 50 answers · asked by retorik75 5 in Family & Relationships ➔ Weddings
So, is Brad Pitt's decision not to get married until all people (straight and gay) are allowed to marry ludicrous?
2006-09-14 19:09:07 · update #1
I understand where you are coming from and have to say you are right in deciding whether or not to attend a friends wedding.
I'm a lesbian and have been in a committed relationship for 30 years. Over the years I've been invited to many a wedding, yet only attended one which was my sisters. There is truly something icky that I felt in my gut about these affairs.
Perhaps it's jealousy over the rights that straight couples get and the hoopla that is made. It's easy for straights to say go to Vermont or Massachusetts. Yes, one might be able to get married there but the rights don't carry over to the state in which you reside. State after state is passing laws that make contracts between same sex partners unenforceable plus the Federal Defense of Marriage Act layers another burden.
If you live your life as lesbian over thirty years, you will be continually reminded as to what a second class citizen you are.
I take far more joy in going to funerals of friends, straight or gay, who understood what gay oppression is and fought against it.
Perhaps you could write a letter to the bride and explain where you are coming from. You probably won't get a response, but it is worth a try. In the meantime, cultivate friends from the gay supportive community and you will find a way.
2006-09-15 17:30:53 · answer #1 · answered by ditsyquoin 4 · 0⤊ 3⤋
I can understand that you feel resentful about the fact that you cant marry your partner but that doesn't have anything to do with your friend.
Would you 'boycott' your sisters wedding?
Weddings are about the bride and the groom not about you.
I am one of those women that doesn't believe in marriage at all. I don't understand why a single piece of paper is needed to make a relationship seem valid in the eyes of the public. BUT in saying that I don't boycott my friends or relatives wedding days or try to change their beliefs. Everyone has the right to have a wonderful day when they get married.
Why don't you and your partner have a 'commitment ceremony', many Celebrants will preform these for you, while they are not legal it will at least show your family and friends that you are committed to each other and you can have a big party afterwards.
2006-09-14 22:52:37 · answer #2 · answered by wickedly_funny66 5 · 4⤊ 0⤋
She is right, Think of it the other way around that if straight marriages were not allowed and she couldn't marry and you could, and she didn't show for your wedding, I am guessing you would be upset to. Also you cannot legally marry but what is stopping you from having a commitment ceremony and either you or your partner changing your last name, Many same sex couples are starting to do that.
Also I think with some time and maybe an apology you could patch the friendship up, she probably misses you if you were that close and she may apologize for not realizing how upsetting the whole situation was to you.
2006-09-14 22:46:27 · answer #3 · answered by mcfeely975 2 · 4⤊ 0⤋
I don't think either of you are right or wrong in your opinions, but I think it was wrong for you to not attend your friend's wedding just because you feel resentful that you can't marry a woman.
Your friend's wedding day was about her, not your beliefs.
Did it make you feel better to lose what you call a close friend because you were too stubborn to just enjoy your friend's day of happiness? And I'm not asking that in an ignorant way, I'm serious. If you feel like you have somehow made a point, then I think it was wrong to use a friend to illustrate your point, although I think you probably came off as being stubborn, pig-headed, selfish, and a few other choice words to some people.
I also think that she had every right to stop talking to you if she thinks that it's wrong to try and put your feelings in front of hers. I have had a lot of friends, and I always do my best to put my friends' feelings first, because I care about them.
I respect your beliefs about gay marriage, and I totally agree. I'm straight (although I don't think that matters), and I think that gay men and women have every right to enter into a legal lifetime partnership, just like straight people do. At a certain point, it's not about God, or what people say is a sin, it's about who you love and what you want, and no one has the right to tell you that you can't marry someone because they have the same sexual organs as you. It's a crock of yo u-know-what.
2006-09-14 20:24:48 · answer #4 · answered by Bachman-ette 4 · 3⤊ 0⤋
What a terrible decision to face. I understand you didn't intentionally hurt your friend - you were just acting in the way you felt was right as it's such a sensitive issue for you. You've accidentally taken out anger on your friend instead of redirecting it where it needs to go. I would apologise to this person and tell her that you have such passionate views with this issue that it made you act in this manner. You want your wedding to be about marrying the person you love - not the sexes. You need to see her wedding as the same - she's married the person she loves, it being a male has nothing to do with it.
2006-09-14 22:51:48 · answer #5 · answered by alysseq_86 3 · 3⤊ 0⤋
Marriage is a very important day for many people. This is supposed to be a day about the bride and groom. While you cannot "marry" in this country, that shouldn't affect you attending the weddings of those who can. They invited you hoping you would come. Instead you made the day about you. She definately has every reason to be upset over this. If you still want the friendship I would explain to her that you feel uncomfortable watching people do what you cannot do but she will probably still be upset.
2006-09-15 03:56:15 · answer #6 · answered by newjerseygirl 3 · 2⤊ 0⤋
It sounds to me like you were being a bit selfish. Don't get me wrong, I think it's ridiculous that gays can't get married.
I am getting married next fall, and two of my bridesmaids? They're lesbians. They don't think it's right that they can't get married, but they're very close friends of mine, and my wedding day is about ME, not them. Besides, while you may not get that piece of paper from town hall saying you are legally bound, does not mean that the two of you can't spiritually and emotionally devote yourselves to one another til' death do you part.
I can understand why your friend was upset, but I think she should also try and see it from your point of view. Yes, she should be angry, but it isn't worth losing a good friendship over.
So, I guess my answer is, you are BOTH wrong. You're both being a bit ridiculous, but I hope you two can work it out.
Brad Pitt's decision to not marry until all have the right has nothing to do with this situation. I am sure it is something he and Angelina have discussed and agreed upon since she hasn't dumped him yet. That is a personal decision not to get married. It's his life. Your decision had an effect on someone else's life. Your friend. And you hurt her feelings. Your wedding day is important, and you want all the ones you love to share it with you. In not going, you hurt her because you wouldn't think about what she wanted for a few hours. She probably feels like you don't care about her, and your friendship, as much as she does.
I would try and apologize, but ask her to understand where you are coming from, too. You both have hurt each other, and you both need to admit to doing so.
2006-09-15 03:40:50 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
I think you are bitter not resentful at this decision.
I voted NO on Busch's proposal because my sister is a lesbian and I want her to have the same choices and possibilities I have,
I do not agree on treating homosexuals, transsexuals, metrosexuals any type of sexuality other that heterosexual as second class citizens.
However I just got recently engaged to my man and if my sister were not to attend my wedding because of the reasons you explain I would be immensely hurt.
It is NOT about you (the wedding) its about your friendship, its about watching her get married to the man she loves, its about making a compromise, its plain and simple BEING THERE FOR HER. No ulterior motives, no underwritten assumptions. BE A FRIEND.
You are taking it against the wrong people. Instead of hating the fact you can't get married. BE PROACTIVE, do political activities with your local legislature, educate people, educate the society, don't go against your friends and your family.
Its not your friends fault this vote was cast.
I think you need to call her, explain your situation. Open your heart to her and ask for forgiveness. She is your friend, you just weren't a good friend to her in one of the most important days of her life.
Good Luck
2006-09-15 01:39:38 · answer #8 · answered by jeniel17 3 · 3⤊ 0⤋
I think you are wrong. Unless your friend was actively involved with a anti-gay marriage organization, you are making your point in the wrong way.
Of course you have the right to not attend because of your beliefs, but are you really ready to have no straight people in your life?
I'm sure you are involved in organizations that are promoting gay marriage. Perhaps you could explain to your friends how important this is to you and ask them to join you in these activities. I went to a wedding recently where the bride and groom had set up a table for letter writing to congress and also infomation about the facts about the issue. I think this is a great idea.
2006-09-14 18:52:01 · answer #9 · answered by Katherine 6 · 6⤊ 0⤋
She was right and you were wrong!!
You ended a friendship because you wanted to make a politcal statement that most people don't give a shite about. You should have put politics aside and helped you friend celebrate a wonderful day in her life. But NO, all you could do is think about was yourself and how your friends happiness did not fit into you small self-centered world. You made her suffer for the sake of your ego. Jeez, it must be wonderful to be the center of the universe. Your ex-friend is much better off without people like you in her life.
If you have any class at all and want to salvage your friendship, admit to your friend that you were wrong and that you feel horrible about what you did (because you should feel horrible). I sincerely hope you will eventually see your error and take the steps to fix it.
2006-09-15 02:29:39 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 0⤋