I have to choose one and it's hard: My 15 yr old daughter or 8 month old daughter?

Question

My relationship with my teenage daughter has improved alot in the past three months but today it just worsened. (Look at my past questions to understand better) We got into a huge fight and she said "me or the baby? tell me mother... you have to pick one".
She really dislikes her little sister and wants me to choose between the two of them.
I am still having trouble comprehending what she really meant by the question and she won't give me a direct answer BUT I have narrowed it down and this is what i'm going to do:
I'm either going to send my older daughter away for a few months (either to live with her father, or boarding school) OR i'll send my younger daughter away for a few months to live with my parents as I fix my relationship with my older daughter and prove to her that I love her.
I really miss being close with my older daughter. We were inseperable and now she hates me. I love them both so much and this is my last option. What to do? Who to choose?

Trust me, i've been suffering alot with this issue ever since I got pregnant. My daughter has been mad at me since she found out i'm pregnant. She said she does not, no matter what, want to be a big sister. She does not want to be responsible for her little sister and does not want a relationship with her. I really think seperation is the best idea. Of course I will visit my daughters if this happens, and if i do choose my older daughter, I will let take my younger daughter back to live with my while my older one is with her dad.
it's been really hard and it breaks my heart that my family is going through this...if you were in my shoes, i'm sure this would seem like the only good idea. my older daughter has been scaring me lately. i worry about her. and i love her so much, i don't want her to hate me. she's been so emotional and i feel really guilty, i feel like it's my fault. i truly think she is the one who needs me more right now since she is also going through a crisis: growing up.

Please acknowledge this:
when I say "send away", I don't mean forever. My parents live a few blocks away from me. If I did decide to send my younger daughter away, I'd still visit her every day or almost every day and have her live with me while my older daughter is over at her dad's house.

also, my daughter and i were extremely close before this. i love her as my daughter, i love her as a person, and i love her as a friend.
i don't blame her. I will admit that i've been neglecting her, not purposely though. It's just that i've been extremely busy, stressed, and tired.
i also get an idea of why she's mad...
I think it's because I was 37 at the time I became pregant and i had a long talk with my daughter. We discussed that i was an older mother who is single and that i am not extremely wealthy. We finally came to the conclusion that the pregnancy was a mistake and that i am not ready for another child in my life. My daughter really did want the best for me. I decided that I was going to have an abortion. I scheduled it but never went. I changed my mind because i always wanted more than one child and thought this would be my last chance.
My daughter was devastated that i changed my mind after i promised her, and was going to risk so much in my life (health, money, etc)

please read EVERYTHING i said before criticizing.

I truly believe my 15 yr old needs me more right now. As I said above, I understand why she is mad at me and why she resents her younger sister.
I promised her that i wouldn't bring an child into this world and risk my health, losing my job, and losing so many more things emotionally.
sadly enough, i broke my promise and brought a blessing into this world and lost a beautiful bond with my daughter. i do realize that during my pregnancy i was very tired, busy, stressed, and did not have time for my daughter. After the baby was born, i became even more busy, tired, and stressed trying to survive and trying to give my daughters a comfortable life though with the new baby, i had risked and lost many things and did not have time for my daughter.
i don't appreciate everybody saying she's spoiled, mean, heartless, cold, a b*tch, etc. She's only 15. she's still a baby to me. she has a right to do what shes doing though it breaks my heart.

Answer 1

You tell her you love both of them equally and will not send either of them away. If she WANTS to go stay with her father for a while, she can do that, but you aren't sending anyone away. Just imagine if you send your baby away for a few months the damage it might cause her? Seriously! And when you brought her back home, what's to stop your 15 year old from raising hell again and insisting you get rid of the baby again? She needs to start acting her age. Well, at the same time, she IS acting her age by rebelling and being a sourpuss. You can have both of your daughters at home and still spend time with your teenager. My guess is what she really wants is more independence. Not many 15 year olds want more time with mom.

At 15 she is old enough to get over herself and accept that she has a baby sister. Is it the stepfather she really hates maybe? That'd be my guess. Put her in counseling or go to counseling together, but don't send anyone away.

Answer 2

Prayer is the only answer. Which ever direction the Lord leads you take it. Your daughter needs to be reformed though, she should not make you pick and chose who you love most. You are the aprent, you are the mother, you brought that child into th world! How do uyou allow a 15 year old to give you an ultimatum?? I don't understand, how old are you? She is putting too much stress and pressure on you. You need all that energy for your 8 month old. Don't let her run you. You are the parent. She loves you, she is just behaving like a child and is wanting everything her way. The baby cannot help it, she didn't ask to be born, she's here to stay, your 15 year old cannot send her back to the good Lord. She just has to deal and cope with the extension to the family, she has a baby sister a 14.5 year difference. I know she may be in high school now, maybe it's her hormones changing, she needs advice and wants your company. I know how I was at 15, long time, well actuall 6 years ago, but the way this society is things change every year and I know from my 14 year old sister a lot has changed. Maybe she is not use to have other babies around her. Maybe she is upset she is not the only child no more. I don't think there is a need for counseling or a shrink, just pick up your bible and pray and you will have answers, peace, and more clarity. Keep your family together. Also let her take care of her sister sometimes, so they can bond more and get closer (also this will prevent from her wanting a baby or even having sex), take her shopping and drop your 8 month old off with a relative or neighbor (if you trust them, I don't trust too many people with my 11 month 3 week old! Lol) and go to the movies. Keep your family together, show her you still love her and care for her. She may also be missing her father, let her spend some quality time with her father. If your 8 month old has a different father than your 15 year old, that too may be a problem, but you need to let her understand why you made the decision you did, to be with someone else, wht you chose not to be with her father, etc. etc. you get what I'm saying. Please talk to your daughter before someone else does and she turns to other outlets and options, and she turns to someone else for comfort, support and start engaging in other activities (boys, sex, alcohol, drugs, etc.), you get my drift, to fill in that gap she thinks she is missing. Do your best and stay in prayer for yourself, both daughters, and your sanity.

Answer 3

Oh for the wisdom of Soloman.

I, as a parent, would never consider sending either of my children away for a reason like this. What you should consider is family counseling with your 15 year old and yourself.

I think there may be more behind this that what is readily visible. To start with, 15 is a rough age for any teen, whether there is a new unwanted baby around or not. There is a lot of peer pressure at that age and a 15 year old girl needs someone she can depend on. You violated that trust by breaking a promise, a promise that probably should never have been made, but still one that was broken.

What kind of signals will you be sending to the new baby as it grows and finds out that you set them aside for your teen daughter? Then you will have a whole new set of concerns to worry about.

I realize it isn't an easy life for you right now. Your 15 year old is old enough to understand that nothing in life is gauranteed. She is also old enough to realize that the whole world does not revolve around her. She needs to cut you some slack.

Get into counseling as quickly as possible before things get any worse.

I wish you all the best of luck.

Answer 4

You are going to have to understand that you are the parent..You are talking about a 15 year old telling you how to live your life. You have two beautiful daughters. there is no way you should have to decide between the two. of them.. sounds like she needs a darn good spanking and taught some respect for her elders.
Yes you are tired stressed because of the way she is acting.. You need to take your little darling to a councilor.. Just what is it that you are doing that isn't the same as you did before you got pregnant..As for her telling you to get an abortion or pick between the two of them that is complete bull.. they are both your kids take care of both of them.. she is just going to have to get used to the idea of not being the baby of the family anymore even if that is what she is acting like right now..
You are thinking about putting the burden of caring for you little one on your parents because you daughter is trying to run your life.. who is the parent here..
grow up woman and just tell her how it is.. you never have to pick between the two of the kids. and just to show her who is the boss don't send her away to her father either..
You are the parent grow up and take control
that is what is wrong with the kids now days they have nothing to learn from at home.. so what if you are tired. and you won't be stessed if you make the 15 year old mind.. don't let her babysit either until she has grown up some she may hurt the baby.You guys need a family therapist.. go it will make her understand that nothing has changed that you do love he and will always be there for her.. She is most likely afraid that you won't have time for her anymore don't know what it was that you were doing before with her that you aren't doing now but get back to it and include the baby in what ever it was. show her that the only thing in the family that has changes is the count of the people and that you aren't going to give up on either one of them no matter how mad or embarrassed she is that you had another kid.
you are the grown up remember that at all time and get that girl under control..
.

Answer 5

Get a grip babygirl, Yes your teenage daughter is jealous of your relationship with your baby, so What! You really need to go into some counseling with your teenage daughter to try and salvage your relationship. Sending an 8 month old baby away from you, her mother, is not an option. Honestly I don't know how you can even think of such a thing. Your teenage is still a child and she is not in any position to be giving ultimatums; you are the adult (I think) and the parent so act accordingly. I don't believe it's at the point where you need to send your teenage away; try the counseling first. Also you've got to understand that teenagers tend to be irrational at this stage of their lives, a lot of teenagers are only focused on me, me ,me. Your teenager doesn't hate you, she's immature and we've all been there. As an adult, you should never be intimidated by your children. Set firm rules and see that your kids follow them, because believe me later they will thank you and they'll grow into adults you can be proud of. This advice that I'm giving you is true love between parent and child.

Answer 6

You shouldn't have to prove to your kid that you love them. If you send away the 15 year old nothing good will come out of it, she will hate you and resent her little sister even more and you just might lose the relationship permanently. If you send away the baby not only will the older one think she won but the baby might grow up to resent you too. So you'll have screwed up relationships with both of them.
I haven't read your past questions but I can't believe you would really consider choosing between the two. I am a mother and that just sounds crazy to me.
And you know what else? She's 15, most 15 year old girls don't like their moms. Don't you remember being 15? Maybe it's just the normal teenage rebellion thing? She'll get over it.

Answer 7

One thing to keep in mind--SHE'S 15. Since when are you going to let a 15 year old KID give you an ultimatum as serious as "me or my sister"?

I don't know what underlying problems there might be, but when I was 15, I hated my mom and my brother too. Teenagers are supposed to be mouthy and obstinate and just all around full of attitude. Assuming she's not the type who would physically harm you or your younger daughter, I say you continue living under the same roof with BOTH of your daughters. You have to let her know who is the boss, and you know what...it's NOT her. She has to realize that she isn't loved any more or less than her little sister.

I would never choose one child over the other. That's just ridiculous. Does she have other issues we don't know about (something mental, or something that happened to her at a younger age that caused emotional scarring) or is she just a 15 year old spoiled brat? (Sorry...not trying to call your daughter a brat, lol, but most teenage girls are. :))

Answer 8

"dont think you can treat me like a child, i'm not 5 years old. you know right now i can legally emancipate myself if i wanted to and you'd have no say in my life. would you like that?"
If this is how your daughter thinks then she needs to get a slap in the face from reality. Have you ever heard of tough love? She needs to grow up and you SHOULD NOT CHOOSE between the two. Both child has equal rights to you. What would choosing accomplish? The younger daughter would end up acting the same way because you chose X over her. It's a lose lose situation. Tell your older daughter that you are not going to pick and if she has a problem with that she can be the one to choose. Boarding School or Dad's house.

As for her "crisis" of growing up what is your youngest daughter going through? Her life is just starting. She needs you just as much as the other one does. Sorry but if you do choose between the two you don't deserve either daughter.

Answer 9

Teenagers can be a pain in the *** I have a fifteen year old sister in law that my husband and I took in since she was ten (because her mother decided to go ape **** and abandoned her at our door step literaly, then we got custody of her) now,she thinks she knows it all,we found out she has possibly being having sex with the boyfriend,has lied to us soo much one lie after the other. We have tried to show her love the best way we can, we always tell her we love her (taking her on family vacations to Hawaii, Europe ect. clothed her, fed her for the past 5 yrs) but I guess this is not enough maybe this child is just so angry. My husband and I have a 12 yr old ourselves and sometimes the older girl acts jelaous and likes to get attention by being the "bad girl", we have considered sending her off to a boarding school and I have being researching them (she just has become too much of a handful, tried to sneak the boyfriend in at night when she shares the room with our 12 yr old and then gets our daughter to lie about it) If you are considering sending her away make sure that you do research those boarding schools real well, I mean really well,and maybe have a long discussion with her about why you are doing what you are doing,always let her know that you love her and maybe just send her for a little while, this way she can realize how good she had it with mom. If you decide not to send her away I would try a counselor, we have a counselor for my sister inlaw but my sister has managed to lie to the counselor also (so frustrating) I guess it all depends on the kid. Also sounds to me like she is acting immature and jelaous of the little one, she needs to grow up.I seriously doubt that she hates you. Make sure you tell her you love her every day. Sometimes though, you have to show kids tough love. Good luck.

Answer 10

Your daughter has no right doing this. Her only excuse is she's a teen. Your daughter needs to be given the decision on whether she wants to stay home or go to live with her dad. She is obviously very jealous and appears to be spoiled. Do Not make any decision because none will be right. Let her make her choice. If she chooses to go than I believe she will not be gone as long as you may think.

Afterthought: Do they have the same fathers? If not how is her relationship with the little ones father?

Ask yourself one question even though you appear to have made your mind up. What is this going to do to your baby. She needs you too. If you let your 15 year get away with then all problems in her life, probably forever, will be your fault in her eyes. That baby is innocent, your daughter is not. Its time to stiffen your spine and stop the excuses for her bad behavior.

Are you sure your not using your daughter as an excuse for something you really want to do?