I can't stand it anymore!--My mother is still supporting her 45 yr old son...?

Question

My parents have been supporting their son--giving him money (apt, car, school, camera equipment, etc) all his life. He has defaulted on paying most things. He is a sweet guy besides that. He is a freelance photographer and keeps hoping for his big break. That's why they keep supporting him. Meanwhile, none of the girls get this much support. I can barely pay to put myself through school--I get no help and I don't dare ask! My mother even asked me (the youngest kid) to give him money to bail him out of a couple financial emergencies. I'm 13 yrs younger than him! He's my oldest brother--shouldn't I be asking him for help? I'm so sick of this! But I can't make her stop! My mother is a widow now. She keeps saying--"If your father were alive your brother would have been out of the house". Even if he leaves the creditors will keep calling! What to do? Thanks for reading.

Answer 1

You are going to have to wait for her to realize on her own that she needs to cut the apron strings. In the meantime, refuse to enable your brother's lack of responsibility by saying no if you are ever asked to give him money.

Also, I know it sucks that you need help and he gets it without even asking, but you are actually the lucky one. You are learning independence and responsibility, and that will take you farther then constant handouts. Whenever you get angry at the situation, just think about how much you've managed to do for yourself, and feel the pride that comes with that.

Good luck to you, and stay strong.

Answer 2

Do you have a knife in the kitchen?


Cut an apple in half and what do you see?

Many can see the seeds in the apple.
But few can see the apples in the seeds.


It may surprise you to know that your mother's need for your brother is more than your brother's need for her. A mother's love is mysterious and beyond comprehension. Call it bias or irrational. But what worries me more is that your brother will get into real trouble when your mother is not around. Also, without your mother, the family unit may not be there anymore. It is frustrating for you to have to deal with the situation on a daily basis. You need to have a plan of your own and your brother needs to learn independence, if he is capable of it. In a way, your mother's love or too much of it had hampered your brother's independence. He has to learn to take care of himself one day.

Answer 3

I agree that you should show her this post (and all the responses) so that she can fully understand your perspective and the strength of your feeling. I disagree, however, with one other post. You should never have to resort to deception and say 'I'm not in a position to help'-- whether or not you are. Be loving but honest and simply tell Mom that it's neither your place nor your responsibility to bail out your older brother, and that doing so will only further hurt and enable his problems and character flaws.

Answer 4

You can't tell her not to support her grown child.

You can tell her that you feel like she'd rather help him than help you etc.

You can raise the question of "has she thought about how much money she's going to have in SS etc...." "what's he going to do when she's no longer here to support him?"

Remind her that he's going to keep doing it as long as she lets him...

Tell your brother that you find it irresponsible that he "mooches" off of his mother at the age of 45.

You can tell him it's past time to grow up and be a man...

You appreciate his passions but it's not fair to expect everyone else to support him on a daily basis etc.

And don't help him!!! If he's starving and homeless then yeah, he's your brother but don't unless it gets that bad.

Answer 5

I was once in a similar situation with an older brother. I grew resentful and bitter and kept telling my parents to kick him out! Finally, I spoke with a wonderful woman who summed it up for me that, frankly, it's none of my business! My parents are adults, they didn't ask my advice, so thus I needed to worry about my own relationship with them ... period! Take a deep breath and try to avoid altogether any discussion about your brother. If you mom asks for money for him, simply reply, "well, I'm simply not in a position to help him right now." Kick and scream and beat a pillow when you're alone, but it's your mom's business and your brother's loss. What goes around comes around, as they say. You are the one who will end up the stronger of the two for your ability to take care of yourself ... and will reduce the likelihood of damaging your relationship with your mom in the process! Good luck!

Answer 6

Its your Mother right to help him,unless she has some kind of mental illness that would cloud her judgement...Talk to her but do not try to tell her what to do...Maybe shes trying to hold to a part of your Father through your brother did this ever cross your mind.As for as some of the answers I read alot of hatered in them,,,only my opinion.

Answer 7

Given that your mom and your brother are both adults and sounds like neither of them is retarded or senile, there doesn't seem to be much you can do about it. They are both happy with the arrangement -- your mom probably feels good to "help" your brother, and your brother is happy to take advantage of the situation.

Answer 8

whoa, that suxs... i think it makes your mom feel better that your brother is still in the house with your father gone n all, so i dont think that she is going to kick him out soon, i would bring up the subject about needing money, not asking her, and im shure that she would offer to help you out. as for your brother, i would tell him off... hahaha but thats just me

Answer 9

You could refuse to help but your mom has every right to help him more if she wants. She knows best each of your capabilities and evidently he is artsy fartsy and they tend to be lacking in other areas due to their extreme gifts of creativity.

Answer 10

go to the source and tell him to grow up and take responsibility for himself