How can you become friends with a Mother who is a bully and a liar?

Question

Eversince I can remember my Mum and I have had a rocky relationship. We just don't see eye to eye. Now that she is a widow and needs me I still can't forgive her - Why?

Answer 1

you cant forget what happened in the past, i think within time you will learn to tolerate her possibly even feel sorry for her at times, but if you have never been close i don't think you will be now.

Answer 2

Well I guess you don't forgive her for her, you forgive her for you. Mainly so that you don not have to live with the feelings of upset and anger. Or you can decide you do not want to have a further relationship at all and decide that. Both bullying and lying are based on fear so I gues the question is - What is your mum so afraid of that she has to be a bully and a liar to get through her day?

Answer 3

My mom was mom was not a liar, but she was a very unhappy woman. She wanted to be a doctor like her stepmother but instead got married and had four kids

I was the oldest. I was a blue baby ala oxygen deprivation at birth.I suffered some brain damage and the doctors told my parents I would be feeble minded and should be put into a home.

To make a long story and lots of tears, short. My mom felt that I was a failing of hers, and she made me feel unwanted, ugly, stupid, and would never amount to anything.

Despite the fact I proved those doctors wrong, I was programmed by my mom, and later my peers, to hate myself.

I tried to end it all several times, and landed myself in a bad marriage which I stayed in for 13 years because I did not believe in divorce, and felt like he was all I deserved.

After I divorced, and received, therapy, I had a talk with my mom, for the first time, about my growing up years. To my horror and disbelief, She had no recall of being that way toward me, and suggested I let things be forgotten.

I talked with my dad, and he said mom was bitter about not seeing her dreams come to pass, and the words she said to me while growing up were those spoken in a fit of anger, not toward me exactly but more toward herself. Words spoken in a fit of anger are often forgotten by the speaker, but never by the receiver.

So there I was. I could forget the past, forgive my mom, and have a new relationship with her, or I could hold on to the past, nurse all the hurt in my heart, and never have a relationship with her, my mom..

I had a talk with God, told HIM all about it, then I let the past go.

When I was there for my mom when my stepdad died of Brain/lung cancer, I knew I had made the right decision.

She is my bud now :)

Ask yourself what good will come out of nursing your hurt?

Is nursing the hurt more important than starting a new relationship with your mom???

This is something you will have to decide.

One black night, when the stars are twinkling, raise your face to the Heavens, and talk to God as if you would your best friend. Open your heart to him...and obey the little voice you hear in the deepest part of your soul.

Good luck to you sweetie, and I mean it.

Answer 4

A mother is not suppose to be your friend. A mother gives their children unconditional love. A mother went into severe pain and agony when she gave you birth, changed your diapers, got up in the middle of the night to feed you when you were hungry and changed your night clothes and sheets when needed in the middle of the night, and still got up at dawn the next morning to be sure the rest of the family was taken care of. She made sure you had food, shelter, education, and everything you needed to prepare you for your future. A mother doesn't lie unless she is keeping her child from danger.
Should I go on.......I have more!
Forgive her child before you don't have her around anymore. And why you ask, because mothers aren't around forever.

Answer 5

This is really rough on emotions!

You state she's a bully and a liar and that your relationship has always been rocky. How can a rocky relationship with a bully and a liar be good for anyone, especially a child, widowhood of the parent or not?

Apparently, the bad habits have been going on for as long as you can remember and widowhood does not change bad habits. In fact, it makes bad habits worse because widowhood is used as a "poor me" excuse to continue bad habits.

I know a woman, a friend, who had the same situation with her mother as you describe, widowhood included. It took the woman until she was 30, when her mother had been widowed for over ten years, to tell her mother to knock it off. Her mother told her she wasn't going to knock it off, so the woman stopped seeing her and stopped having her children see her because the mother's bad habits were adversely affecting the children. In other words, the next generation was going to experience the same problems the woman didn't want in her life anymore and the problems she didn't want in the lives of her children. Under the circumstances, the woman had every right to see to it that she and her children were no longer subject to the bad habits of the mother. This was the responsible action to take on the part of the woman.

Whereas it's true the woman would have given almost anything to have a good relationship with her mother, of course, it was not meant to be because it takes TWO to want a good relationship and her mother didn't want one with her own daughter.

The woman had to admit this, and when she did, she could move forward in her life. Does she still wish she and her mother had been able to have a good relationship? Yes, but instead, she has good relationships with her own children.

It took the mother a couple of years to stop most of her bad habits toward the woman because of the space the woman put between them. There was communication eventually, of course, but it still had to be limited. The mother continued to use her bad habits towards others, though, even up until the time she passed away.

We cannot be responsible for the way others act; we can only be responsible for the way WE act and the way we RE-ACT. Therefore, no matter who it is in our life, especially a parent, spouse, or child, if the person is acting badly toward us, is in the habit of acting badly toward us, and steadfastly refuses to stop acting badly towards us, we need to put a space between them and us.

In this way, we alleviate the problems for ourselves and, perhaps, in time, the parent, or whomever, calms down and doesn't act as badly towards us as they would have continued acting if we didn't stop them by putting a space between them and us. We may have to keep somewhat of a space between them and us, also.

I totally feel for what you are going through because I have seen what my friend went through; therefore, I hope this helps.

Answer 6

Burying your old feelings is not easy when you would rather bury an axe in the back of their head, I know because I feel the same way towards my mother.
I try so hard because of my children, but it is not easy.
Try one day at a time, small visits away from her territory if possible and see how it goes.
I had mine stay with me for a week and it did not fully stop her, but it was easier than being in her place.

And my mum is 80!

Answer 7

We are expected to be close to our mothers as they brought us into the world and cared for us, however, in the real world it just does'nt happen like that for all of us.

Try a maintain a relationship that you can cope with and remember that guilt should not be a reason to see some one.

For your own sake maybe seek counselling to explore the avenues of your past which brought you to where you are today

Answer 8

tell you what girl the habits will not change. my mum has always been like yours and I give her so many chances most times we go for months on end without talking and try again but this time around she is worse, and one just dont know what to do. she stretches the truth about everything, bitches about my sister in laws and their kids and its awful really. Its hard to forgive her cos she will do it again. goo luck anyway

Answer 9

Because she wasnt there when you needed her probably. So why should you be there for her? Just coz shes your mum doesnt mean you have to get on or even have to like her.

Answer 10

you cant and you wont, not till you learn to either deal with what she has done to you in your past or learn to drop it and move on.

hope that her being alone will make her see what she has in you and makes an effort to build a new relationship with you