my husband is thinking about joining teh air force, but?

Question

hi, this is the second time I ask about this, sorry, I've decided to say some more things about this and why I'm concern.Since we first met he never told me about him doing anything like this, we planned a very different life for both of us, I LOVE HIM but this seems to break everything we wanted , now it seems like it's just about him and what he wants, what about us together and what we'd decided since the beggining of our relationship?This is making me think that he doesn't love me anymore and wants to run away from me somehow, that's not fear for me.He might love this country and me too but what about our family...our plans,etc...WE'VE JUST LOST OUR FIRST CHILD...I thought that a "man" makes himself and takes responsabilities with his life, his family at first ..., and not joining the military, ok,this might help but if he doesn't make it with his own life and his own family how is he going to make it joining the air force?some advice,suggestions and own experiences,please.

as I said before in my first question his mother 's been telling him what to do...isn't supposed that we should resolve this matters?She seems to think that her son is a single man...she's the one thinking about him as a "superman" or "heroe"and how proud she
ll be at him if he makes it, wherever he decides...what can I do to push her out of these decisions?

just in case... yes,of course we are married.we've got married a few months ago...and about our baby...this has just happenned a few weeks ago.

Answer 1

i'm sorry, Lily. He sounds a way bit immature. Older guys shouldnt join military. The only reason could be that he cant find a great job to support you and next child especially with health benefits. I understand all the protection and coverage. Now he wants to fly a plane or whatever? Its astep down if he wants to leave his present job to be private in forces. takes about 5-6 yrs to advance to next level. both of u could get second weekend jobs to supplement income. ggod luck

Answer 2

You need to make him realize that since you are married, it may be his decision, but it will have an impact on you as well. His mother won't be the one tagging along with him all over the world, she won't be the one sitting at home alone with subsequent children, etc. He needs to think about that. That could also be all he's thinking about. If he doesn't see himself going anywhere in his current job, the stability, benefits-especially in the Air Force, and the job security are unbeatable. Free health insurance. Guaranteed paycheck. You REALLY have to screw up to get fired. Etc.

I do need to say, and I'm sorry for this, it's going to sound incredibly insensitive, you don't sound like you'd make a very good military wife. We all have plans for our futures, but **** happens and we adapt. (Unless you're like my neighbor and then you end up in therapy for not having 2 kids by 25 as per life plan made at 15.) The thing that makes our soldiers and airmen great is the love and support they have behind them at home. If he goes aheads and enlists, you will have the choice to either put aside your selfishness and carve out a life for yourself with whatever circumstances you're given, OR leave him for the safety of a civilian.

Answer 3

let's see, I dont' think that you are being selfish, why? as you said since the beggining your husband's plans and yours were very different, your marriage is not what you two planned and man! let's say the truth here, protecting the country or just being patriotic doesn't fix anything and it won't...specially if your husband doesn't know now how to be responsable where at first he chose to build his life,"with you and by your side".I think that he needs to grow up a little bit more taking care of his life with you,at least for now, I've seen many children growing up without their "dad" at home most of the time...and it's not fun...(mine also)money,a better life, or anything you could get joining the air force or any military branch doesn't help when family goes in second place, besides you didn't make a baby by yourself!!!you are feeling the pain about it, and money matters,benefits , health insurance,travelling around the world or wherever..are not going to change the fact that you need him Now by your side and he's really acting like nothing has happenned, You are the one who'll be alone at home, taking care of the children, smiling for everyone but suffering in silence...of course..."he's serving is country" many people could say, but it's so simply ..you and him didn't have as a priority the fact about him joining the air force, maybe you could be selfish if he had always wanted to do it and then you were using now the situation about the baby to keep him by your side...but I dont' think that you are doing this. You are clearly asking for help to keep him back on earth and on what you two have always wanted(wherever it is, living in the country, the city, in a farm, studying, working,etc)About your mother in law, don't even lose your words trying to talk to her about your concerns...she'll probably think that you dont' want her "son" to decide by himself or to have a life...but the one who is making the suggestions is her and not you, and his life started and changed when he decided making it with you...not changing his goals just because she tells him what to do...I think that she might want to see her own life realized on his son...who knows? sometimes "mothers" forget that they can't control their children's life anymore just because their own fears. I bet that she's at home all day doing nothing? Honey, just get sure that you have a long and deep talk with your husband, let him know your concerns, then the two of you take a decision about it, if he joins the air force or not won't make him a better man or husband. or citizen...maybe more patriotic or patriotism,etc...but nobody says anything when they leave a family behind them. If your priority was different than joining the air force or any military branch just make him remember it...I read somewhere here that you had to wake up! because this is what he wants "now"...let me tell you that this could work if he was still single...but when you change your mind or your goals this easy when you 're married...you relationship could go "nowhere" why? simply, marriage is made by two people...the husband is not over the wife and the wife is not over the husband ...this doesn't work if you want to keep your marriage and not get divorced a few years later, this is a big people's mistake in young couples and in our society...we got married but then we forget what a family means or we suddenly discover that we could become more than what we really are or what we planned at the beggining of the moment when we said:I DO...Also when you live to please most of the people's believes (specially the patriotic american's citizens) get sure than nobody ll be there for you if for some reason you dont' have your husband back...I mean more than a big check...a flag and a few words as We're sorry...but nothing else.You dont' need to prove to anyone that you are strong enough to support him or not about his decision, if he finally decides go ahead with this idea...over than what the two of you wanted...sorry...he might not be the one for you and in this case he's being selfish not you, you are just trying to keep what you;ve got since you first met him...about growing up or developing his life...wonderful..but now it's a matter of two.

Answer 4

Lissa wrote the best answer I've ever seen.

I was gonna say to call 1-800-Dr-Laura tomorrow when she is on the air.

She's very pro-military and pro wife-supporting-her-husband so it's safe to think what she will tell you....but you might want to call her anyway because she might be able to give you some valuable insight.

But again, Lissa hit the nail on the head.

Answer 5

the only thing i can tell ya is support him with whatever decision he makes. But sit down and talk to him tell him your fears. Communication is the key especially if he does join. Believe me I'm speaking from experience my boyfriend is in the Air
Force.

Answer 6

If he is serious about you and cares about that you think he won't join the Military. Contact me at [e-mail] I may be able to help or at least give you advise. I was marreid before I joined and am now a recruiter. good luck.

Answer 7

are you guys married, if the military is his dream you should let him pursue it and not hold him back, if you keep telling not to go he's going to think you don't care enough about him to let choose his career, the Air Force is a great life though, they have great housing and you can travel all over the world!

Answer 8

First of all, get over yourself. Stop being selfish. Many men, come to a point where they want to say they didn't sit back and throw up their hands. With all that is happening in the world, if every married man didn't join even when he wanted to , because his wife was being selfish, well we won't be a super power.

When WWII was knocking at our door, my grandfather and his brother joined up. Why? Because it was something he knew he needed to do. Because of those men, we are still a fairly free country. Where will we be in 50 years if we don't have men standing up now to do what they knew was needed.

Now, first of all. My husband has been in the Air Force for ten years. We have been married just over a year but working toward marriage for four.

Part of life is learning to adapt to the things that happen. We don't have road blocks without reason. You don't have to be a military wife to know that any good marriage has room for growth, and for adapting.

What is it that you want in life that makes you so sure he is making a mistake? A house? I've got that. Children? Got that too. A job? I had one, chose to take a break to be home for my daughter. Security? I've got that too, if anything happens to my husband, i'm taken care of. Stability? Got that too, I know that my husband has a job until he retires (at 43), Retirement? at 43 my husband will bring in a pension regardless of what he does after that. Healthcare? Better than most civillian employers provide. Travelling? I get to see the world...And honey, I get to go to free concerts and quite often meet the artists..The military is not that bad as a job. My husband is home no later than 5 and if its raining he gets home early. He gets 30 days a year to do what ever, he is fit, knows how to fire a gun. I get cheaper groceries, and my daughter is set up for possible future with ample college scholarships offered to military dependents. Even I could go back and finish college at cheaper costs. If ever we are in financial dispair we can get extremely low interest loans. In exchange, my husband is available to serve YOU and his country 24 hours a day and 7 days a week. Sure it can be inconvenient but what isn't? Yes I missed the kick off of Superbowl where my home team was playing this last year, but I did get to see the rest of the game and spend it with family and friends. My husband may have to up and leave at a moments notice for god knows how long. Inevitably he comes home, and we are better and closer than ever. Sure he may get a call to come in at any hour of the night so he can pee in a cup. But the good things far out weigh the bad.

Now, to be a bit understanding, I'll say this. People's needs and desires in life change as they grow. You need to let go of the arguement that this wasn't what you both wanted when you got married. Guess what? WAKE UP CALL, it's what he wants now. So now you as his wife need to stop whining and provide him with realistic reasons that he should rethink joining. And dying doesn't count cause he can do that anywhere. Now, seriously, ask him, why it's so important to him. Ask him to be honest. Work together to either realize his dream or change his mind. You must communicate honestly. Perhaps he is looking for a stable paycheck, maybe his job is in jeapordy and he hasn't told you...There are dozens of reasons why joining the military is a reasonable solution to situations. Compromise and allow him to join the reserves in the least if he really wants this. Not as much in the perks department but it's still something. Your job at this moment as his wife, is to work with him, support him, and don't stand in his way to see his dreams fulfilled. Your job is to realize the changes your husband has come to and to either reevaluate your own goals, or in the least make them yours solely and not a statement of "ours". Now, go talk to your husband.

Answer 9

he may be running but not from you...seems more running from the pain, from the loss. it may be his way of dealing with it. some people never express grief, some wait till they are alone ...is what makes this world great all of us are uniue....talk with him about your fears...ask him why he wants too do this....only way too find out what he is thinking is ask...he obviously isnt going to just say it

Answer 10

Don't over think it too much. It could be a great job for him, but it can be rough on a marriage if you arent fully behind him.