I just don't know what to do...?

Question

I posted this question last night and thought maybe I’d get some other ideas today. I would first like to say I love my husband a lot--but our parenting styles just don't click. We had talked about this before I got pregnant and argued a little but not as much. It almost seems like everything I'm for--he is against. Everything he's for--I'm against. I want to come to a compromise but we are both stubborn. For example, I don't believe in spanking ALL the time--I think it should be used as a last resort. My husband on the other hand thinks in any situation it is alright to spank. I think our sons and daughters should be treated equally--he thinks daughters should have a earlier curfew. I believe in schedule and routine--at every turn--he is trying to brake my schedule or routine. He scares my son--on purpose--just to see him cry (it's cute--he doesn't do this too often.) Here's another example of what we argue about--any child gets distracted easily. Feeding a baby isn't fun--maybe sometimes but not all the time--my husband will sit there and distract him--which makes me have to feed him for a half an hour instead of a quarter. It’s not that I mind feeding him for longer, it just that it’s unnecessary. It’s like anytime I try and set a rule--I will add we’ve agreed on he’ll try to break it. He doesn’t understand that we are parents. I am not the only parent--he is no longer a child. We have to work as a team. My main concern is if my husband won’t respect me, how will my son know to? Kids learn from example and my husband doesn’t seem to lead a good one. Yes, he is funny. Yes, he entertains. No, he doesn’t help me. No, he doesn’t help enforce rules. I’m torn and I just don’t know what to do. Please don’t say--that’s all men. It’s not all men, I believe he can be different. I’ve tried talking with him several times about it. He either agrees and then doesn’t follow through or he says that I am too picky and thinks he does everything wrong. I don’t know how to get through to him. Please help!

Answer 1

I think you are running into a problem a lot of married couples have. We marry the men (or women) we love and don't consider beforehand how their personality might clash with ours later on.

My husband has a horrible habit of giving my daughter something after hearing me tell her no. He picks at her, knowing it upsets her when he does, but he thinks it's just play. He also loses his temper and sets a bad example of how to handle stressful situations. Now I could call him on all of this, but I'm not sure it would cause anything but a fight, just like your situation.

Do you live in an area that offers parenting classes? Perhaps if you attended some together he might see the light. Threatening him is silly, unless you are prepared to carry through. You've got to show your willingness to compromise and ask him to meet you halfway. Keep talking to him, even if every talk ends up in a fight (don't fight around your kids if you can help it.) Eventually he's going to figure out that you're serious and he should be too.

I wish you good luck with this, I know what it's like.

Answer 2

You may have to agree to disagree.

Find a middle ground and compromise. You may never meet eye to eye on certain things, but you will at least appreciate the fact that one of the most important things about you both is that you will meet each other halfway.

As a suggestion, you could possibly split up responsibilities, like: one can deal with the curfews and allowing the kids to go here or there, and the other can deal with educational matters and disciplining on other issues--but you both have to be open to each other's suggestion even if it's the other persons responsibility. (sorry I couldn't think of better or more specific examples at the moment.

I hope this helps, even if just a bit.

Answer 3

My parents disagreed on parenting and they even fought about it sometimes, hell I think all of them do.

It's not a solution to your issue, but I think it's the truth. Accepting the differences...."Agreeing to Disagree"...is the first step in negotiation, comprimise, partnership and understanding.

I assume there is love there between you two. Work from that point.

Conflict caused by different perspectives on parenting is natural. You and your husband need to develop your relationship to where you can be different...... but not in conflict.

It seems some of the things your husband does are immature. You are young, so that's kinda natural too. Motherhood has probably accellerated your maturity faster than his. Give him space to catch up by positive encouragement, not conflict. And have fun too, don't be a fuddy-duddy.

Men learn best from other men, not trying to be sexist but men and women think and behave differently. Don't try to force your military manly-man into feminine-defined role...too much of that going on today and it's really, really bad for men and boys. Don't forget that what attracted you to him in the first place was that he was such "a man". Am I right? Let him be the man.

I would recommend finding friends you can hang with who are maybe older than you with family experience. Being around a good, experienced father can maybe teach your hubby how to act. Heck, ask them how they differ in parenting styles and how they have sorted it out.

Don't ever make him wrong.....Do not paint your husband into a corner expressing your views....that will just make him have to defend his views and cause conflict. You are both 'right', just different.

Express not in "head to head" disagreement but rather focus on a distant "goal" that you want to reach together, a goal where both of you can have your views and styles and still work in harmony and compliment each other in being good parents.

Men love Goals, they dislike 'feelings'. Think football. Or a long expedition. Talk about defining the "goal" together and finding your path like it's a journey and each of you plays a part of a team.

If women learned how to do this with men, many fights would be eliminated.

Also, don't be too serious about these talks, they are a journey remember, not a destination. No solution to everything is needed today. Say, "I know we have the rest of our lives to work on this and I just want to keep the conversation lively!"

My folks are in their late 70s and they still disagree on just about everything and they love each other immensely and raised three good sons. Good luck and thank you for your service to your country!

Answer 4

I agree with kicking him in the nutz.The way to that is to tell him to grow up and act like a responsible father should. He has to remember that he is their father NOT THEIR FRIEND. Tell him the truth. Would he like his daughters marrying a man like him? Would he really like to see his girls suffer? That is how you kick someone in the nutz. Putting the real facts out....don't argue, don't make rules just turn the situation around to him. Make him think. Don't go down to his level but if need be talk to him a his level. If all else fails try counseling, a local priest, or a handy video camera to show him how he acts and how it hurts you. Best of luck, don't give up...A Mother is heaven and earth to a child.

Answer 5

i've noticed similar situations with my husband and we talk about it and i just simply tell him that if riles the kids up when it's bedtime, then getting them to bed is HIS responsibility!

it's like your feeding situation. if he wants to use feeding time as play time, then he can feed him! simple! if he balks at feeding him, then tell him to either feed him or go in the other room. not bitchy, just firm and fair.

he may not be conciously breaking "rules" on purpose, he just may not be thinking about the whole big picture.
my husband has problems with seeing the big picture.
the more we talk about it and the more i pick and choose my battles the better it gets.

instead of getting upset and making rules about every little thing, i understand that he will always do things a little differently than i do them. that's o.k.
sometimes i just have to let him do things his way and walk away.
i know our kids will be safe and well cared for in his company and just b/c he isn't doing things mom's way doesn't mean it's wrong.

as for the bigger stuff like spanking and curfews....well, that's something that will need to be addressed as they come.
my husband feels that spanking is a.o.k. and i disagree. however, when it comes down to it, he may not be as ready to spank as he says he is.
the double standard...i can't help you with that one. i'm totally against double standards and that's one thing i don't think i could compromise on. that would be a battle i would choose to take on.

so, pick and choose your battles and figure out ways to show him that what he does has effects on the kids.

good luck and take care.

also, counseling can help too....i'm not saying that you need it, but i've known many couples who benefit from it.

Answer 6

Hi, as a mother I tell you: you need to be really serious about talking to him, then proceed with a plan like: if you don't follow thru I will be force to ?? That's where you come in with a plan like; Family therapy or Counseling!! You need too, or else this will become or is already a stressful enviroment for you and the children. And it's not very healthy.

Answer 7

I would bet the bank that all this about control. If you want to check , is there any thing that he will agree with you and follow through. He sounds like a child, and the last thing is another child who isn't to ever grow up, His parents didn't raise a grownup they raised a child. get to counselling now. Sorry there is no help for a person like this here/

Answer 8

I agree with above posters about the counseling, you both should go and talk it out there, where someone who is trained to listen can. That person will be able to tell him what he needs to improve, validate your feelings and help you two communicate better regarding parenting. Good luck!

Answer 9

Lady, just make a copy of your question and take it to him and let him read it - tell him "We need to discuss this before it totally gets out of hand - If you have a real good girl friend - whom you respect - visit with her - I do not know how close you are with your mother but you might think of talking to her - sometimes a mom can surprise you -
No Matter What - GET IT OUT IN THE OPEN KNOW !!!!!!!!!!

Answer 10

I think it is very important for parents to back eachother when it comes to parenting. It's very wise that you tackle the problem now before the kids hit their teens. The way you're describing things it is better if you seek professional help. Even if he doesn't wnat to go with you, you should go alone.