Why do parents these days feel like they have to reward their kids for everything they do?

Question

I was paying the cable bill today. My 3 year old son is very active. I had to call to him twice before he came to me. A woman who was behind me said that I should tell him that if he is a good boy I will give him candy. I told her that I don't believe in rewarding kids behavior like that. And she was shocked! She said " You don't! What do you?" I told her that I give a lot of hugs and kisses and praise. That is the only reward I will ever give him or any of my children for that matter.
She told me that I will have problems with him later if I don't start doing what other parents do.

My kids will never get money for doing chores around the house or for good grades on their report card. These thing I expect from them. They will never get a cell phone or car from us. If they want to get these things then they will have to get a job and pay for it them selves. That also goes for name brand clothes. These things are "Wants" not Needs. I will give them all the love in the world.

Answer 1

I happen to be 1/2 like you & 1/2 like the other parent.

I don't give my son everything he wants, if so I'd never have any money. I do however give him a dollar for
certain chores he does, this way he could learn the
value of money, how people have to work in order to
make money & how the more money you save the more money you have.

I guess others just get their kids what they want because the think it's the only way to make a child happy.

What children need MOST is love , disclipline & guidance.
take care

Answer 2

Not all children are the same. I have 4 and every one has needed different technics for potty training. My son (2 years) seems to work better with the REWARD method. My others were ok with the hugs & kisses. He isnt 100% trained yet but so far he has been the toughest of all my children. I do reward my other children for achievements or accomplishments. Like for making the honor roll. Just a small token so they know that if they work hard at something it will pay off. Yeah when I was a kid we got 5.00 a week and did a ton of chores. I worked every day after school. But how many farms do you see now a days ? And then again when my kids do things wrong...they lose things. Phone,TV,Allowance etc....So the door does swing both ways :)

Answer 3

I believe in rewarding my children. It builds their self value. I believe in lots of hugs and kisses and emense praise, but I do believe that for certain things they do deserve a reward. That is how the real world is. You work hard you get money. You do something right at work you get a bonus. It makes them feel great. I know that my children feel valued and apprecitated when I tell them how great of a job they have done or how proud I am of them but sometimes it's nice to give them a special treat. Such as an A on a really hard test deserves praise and hugs but maybe a special dinner or a picnic at the park to show your child that if you do good you will get rewards. I buy my kids name brand and when it comes time for my children to need cell phones or a car I will help with the purchase. I don't want my kids to work when they are teenagers, it puts too much pressure on them and leads to tired students. I would rather help them out financially when they are young so they have more time to put towards their studies. I believe that rewarding your kids helps build self esteem as does praise and love, neither are my kids lacking. I know that when I was potty training my daughter always recieved a hug and reward when she used the potty, she got stickers. And I know that when she is extra nice to her little sister and helps me out we do her favorite thing and that is take a walk. I think parenting is about balance and no I don't believe every action should recieve a reward for most things a hugs and love is more than enough. But for other things a small gift of appreciation is nice. But to each is own and every family is different. And no because you don't value materialistic things it doesn't mean your children will turn out wrong. It means that this works for your family, don't let anyone make you think that what you do in your family is wrong. Remember every family runs their homes differently, sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. I love to give my kids their wants and needs. And thankfully my husband makes good money so I am able to provide for them with love and things. Good Luck and God Bless. Sounds like your kids are lucky to have you!!!

Answer 4

I agree, you should never bribe a child with candy, money, clothes. To behave, or help around the house. That Lady bought her kids love.
On the other hand though:
I do reward my daughter when her report card comes in she has always kept her grades up in the 90's from kindergarten til now the 7th Grade. I never got the grades she is getting and I am so proud of her. So when that report card comes in I have her pick a place that she would like to eat dinner at and I make the reservations. 3 times a year isn't gonna kill anybody. To me I am not bribing her I am praising her for not getting the grades I did when I was in school.

Answer 5

hmm...
although I am not a perent just yet, I do feel that it is a very thin line!
On the one side, being as rigid you sound (apologies for misunderstanding), may bring with it some amount of troubles as the lady behind you rightly suggested. Such as your kids may feel unsupported by their parents, when they duck under peer preassure to have certain objects (viz. cell phone; camera; watch etc.). Well with the changing times, I strongly feel that hugs and kisses need to be accompanied with a little cash once in a while.....mind you "once in a while" only. And it does not hurt.

But I do agree with your line of thought that the children need not be rewarded, for every little thing that they do. That way they would very easily be led to believe that if they arn;t getting paid, the needn't do *anything* around the house. Which in turn is not a very good situation to have around.

So My take is to strike a delicate balance. On the one hand I would make my children (when we have them), realize that money is not up for grabs and they cannot blackmail their way into getting candy for everything that is expected out of them.

But at the same time, If there is an occassion where they need to be praised, I wouldnt mind praising them by buying them a toy as a appreciationn gesture.

Cheers!

Answer 6

I don't agree with all that you believe. I will never push my beliefs onto any other parents. BUT- I also know that a child will always need financial help with what ever they need, from a parent. If the Mother and Father don't provide properly for there own child than who do u expect to give to the children? The government?? Cause you don't want to provide properly??
Instead of just handing the money to ur child. It is a good idea for ur children to think that it is a reward for something that they do. It really gets them ready for Adult hood that way. IT IS ALL Psychological- Rewarding them for a good grade financially is a great idea. If the parents can provide financially for their child, then why not?? Why would I want to make my child suffer by going to work at an Early age instead of the child staying home and doing more homework? Getting good grades is the number one priority- I tell my daugher. That IS the BEST reward for a parent. That means the parents are doing a great job raising their children.
My daughter is now 17yrs old. She is an honor student. Getting an 90 average in school. Her last year of high school and going to university next year. She will need a car shortly. Who do you think is paying for all of this?? HER PARENTS THATS WHO!!
So she can have a great future ahead for herself.

COMING FROM A SINGLE MOM
I THINK I AM DOING A GREAT JOB RAISING MY DAUGHTER WITH REWARDS AS WELL COMING FROM HER with good grades!! From me rewarding her financially and from her father, even though we are not together. Thank you daughter for being such a good student!!
very proud of my daughter

From Toronto, Canada

Answer 7

There is a difference between a reward and a bribe. What that lady suggested was a bribe and you were correct to refuse. However, occasional rewards for exceptional actions is completely acceptable and you should consider it from time to time with things they've been wanting and that you can easily afford because it encourages continued good behavior and reinforces your love and appreciation. While it is "expected" that they behave well, it is also "expected" that you provide for their physical and emotional needs, so a little "extra" from time to time can be a very good thing for all involved.
P.S.:
Never say never! By the time your child is old enough for a cell phone, (say 12 or 13 yrs old), it may have become a very affordable necessity on a limited usage basis - a way of keeping in touch and knowing his whereabouts on a continuous basis.

Answer 8

you're confusing 'reward' with 'bribe', two very different things.
There has to be a balance between expecting your children to do things which are required in order for them to become well mannered caring members of society, and teaching them that sometimes there are things they will need to do, that they might not like or understand. In cases like that, you will get more by having some form of reward for good behaviour.
My son didn't like vaccinations, he would scream the place down. I was not going to be like my mother and slap him, or demand that he willingly and without question accept a needle be stuck into his arm, because I understood that he was less than a year old and that needles do hurt.
I didn't offer candy, but I did lavish praise on him, I helped him understand that even adults appreciate that needles are unpleasant and that it must have seemed to him that his sole carer was allowing him to be hurt.
I have never had to raise my hand to my children, I do not approve of assaulting anyone, child or adult, but then, neither have I had any type of major trouble within school or outside of it, our home is happy, they know they are appreciated.
They know when their efforts are appreciated and in some instances, for example, my son is dyslexic and so often, school work is difficult for him to grasp, but we have methods designed to help, that he sometimes finds laborious, he knows if he puts the time and effort in, there is personal reward at the end when he gets a higher grade, or when his teacher wirtes a positive comment.
Candy is not a 'reward' it is a method designed to make a parents life easier, a quick fix.
However I do think rewards are sometimes necessary because children need to feel their effrots are noticed and appreciated, and while it is essential they are loved and safe and secure, often a 'personal' token just for them can qork wonders

Answer 9

I'm in total agreement with you! If you give your kids reward for everything they do, then, what will it be like when your child goes to school o find out there's no reward system for good behavior, and when they go to the work force to find out there is no reward system for good work performance. They won't be able to handle the idea of having to earn their way to promotions and any other good thing because they are too used to being spoiled and rewarded.

I may someday give my 3 year-old son a cell phone, but ONLY because pay phones are fading out, and I'd only put on enough minutes where he is to ONLY use it to call me to check in with me, and if he's in an emergency situation where he needs to call for help.

I'm going to have my son learn he has to earn his way through life, and mommy is not going to spoil him! I have a hard time disciplining him as it is because his dad and paternal grandparents spoil him. They give in too quick with his whining and stuff. But he does respect me a bit sometimes, even though he favors his dad, because he knows I won't let him walk over me.

Keep up the good work! I gave your question a thumbs up, though it REALLY deserves a ZILLION amount of thumbs up! This is the best question I've seen on here!

But I think it might have something to do with the law getting strict with how you can discipline your children. That could be part of the reason, if not all.

Answer 10

I'm fifteen, and my mum and dad never did that too me. I did get a lot of hugs and kisses and kind words, and candy was a treat for all of us. We don't go without it, but I was taught to not have a lot of it. I do get an allowance, but I definitly earn it in my parents eyes, as my mother has been down with surgery. I do not ask for anything though, if I can help it. They said they will help me until I'm eighteen with my cell phone and car payments if I need it, (when I get one or both), but on the most part I'm on my own, and I don't plan on having to have their help, but I am grateful for it if I did need it. I am homeschooled, so I do work hard to increase my grades with every passing day, especially since I will soon be starting college. I believe emotion is better than giving me candy. I thank them for caring about me (ok, and spoiling me a little), and for teaching me that the wants are better left alone sometimes. And I do recieve every bit of love a kid could hope for from my parents. I couldn't ask for more.

Answer 11

WOW!!!!! A parent with common sense! What a relief that there's still one in the world today. Good for you. Another thing I don't agree with - giving a young child too many choices. I've seen it so many times, and all it does is confuse the kids. Can you imagine a family sitting down to dinner, and they're all eating something different because the kids have been given choices as to what they want. *shudder* When my kids were growing up, breakfast, lunch and dinner was on the table - you don't like it - don't eat it. There'll be another meal along later. When I took my two oldest daughters out shopping for school clothes, they got the necessities - anything extra - they paid for - they both had jobs - so they could afford it.