I need an honest spiritual view about my marriage?

Question

I have been married for 18years now...throughout these years i have put up with physical abuse (not all the time, but enough that i know its wrong) mental abuse..basically telling me i am worthless, stupid, etc..these started about 10 months after we were married. by this time i was already pregnant with our first child. About 10 years ago i had finally had enough and I prayed and asked Gods will on whether i should stay or not...my answer, first found out i was pregnant again, thought coincidence, then went to church with new pastor who did not know me...sermon...unity of marriage..being a religious woman I felt that God was telling me to stay in this marriage...here i am 10yrs later and not much has changed, physical abuse has stopped, but the mental continues. I love my husband very much...i know what the bible says about a when a christain marries a non-christain, as is our situation and I know what God told me 10 years ago, but how does a person go on like this?

just a comment to add after reading some advice..first of all..I in NO WAY blame God for my situation and I believe that, yes it takes my husband and I being together to get pregnant, but i also believe God has a hand in creating and blessing these children, especially when I was on birth control and not trying to get pregnant! Any further comments I would prefer to come from a christain point of view. I get enough of the non-christain views on my own. Secondly...Those who so far have given me true christain points of view, thank you...a few of you have really hit home with me. And I will continue, as I do everyday, to pray for my husband and my marriage.

Answer 1

You have to get out of that situation, for yourself and your kids.

They will grow up hating you for making them live in that kind of house.

Answer 2

Well, my question would be what did your pastor teach about unity of marriage? On the one hand, it could have been a sign that you need to stay united with him even though this is all occuring. On the other hand, it could be a sign meant to open your eyes that maybe you and he are not united in your marriage, but are rather two seperated entities that are just holding on to the marriage.

There are so many things to think about here, too. For one, the kids. On one hand, if you and he split up, how will they take it? On the other hand, children should grow up knowing that their parents love and respect each other. If that is not happening, it could affect the children.

Then there is the promise you made to him when you got married. I'll guess you promised to stay together until death do you part? Is the man you married still alive? Or is he dead and replaced with a man who is not at all who you married, save but in name? The Bible talks about when a person receives Christ, the old man dies and a new one is born. Thus death, in the Bible, does not mean only physical death, but a change in character as well. If you were married and he treated you like gold, and then all of a sudden he starts abusing you, I'd say the one you married has died. Can he be ressurected...if you do choose to stay together, I hope so.

A few suggestions, which you have most likely tried. First, have you tried talking to him and letting him know how much he hurts you with things he says? Second, do you both love each other, or do you both tolerate each other? Third, determine if his good qualities (that you love) outweigh his bad qualities. I'm not one to suggest divorce, but as it says in Ecclesiastes, there is a time for every purpose under heaven. I hope this gives you plenty to think about and that you can come up with a wise solution to your dilemma. God bless.

Answer 3

A person doesn't. Get out now. Take your 10 year old and call the women's shelter. Pack a few essitials, like stuff for a couple of days, arrange to leave when your husband's at work. Leave him a note saying that you can't take the mental abuse anymore and that you have your child. While at the women's shelter contact a lawyer if needed. The women's shelter can help, and give you the time you need to decide if you want to pursue divorce. It will be tough, but no one needs to stay in an abusive relationship. As for God telling you to stay, I think maybe you misinterpreted the message. He may have been telling you what to look for in a good marriage. A good marriage is one where neither partner is unevenly yoked. Your marriage is unevenly yoked. I'm glad he has stopped the physical abuse, but the mental abuse is still there. It is having a devistating effect on your kids. If you have a girl/girls, then you are helping to perpetuate the cycle of abuse with them, as girls tend to look at the fathers as an example of what to look for in boyfriends and later as husband. She sees you taking the abuse all this time and thinks that that is the way a woman should act and that she should accept that type of behavior from her significant other. If you have a son/sons, then he is learning from his dad how to treat women and learning from you how women should act. When his girfriend/wife doesn't act the way you do, he's likely to treat her the same way his dad treated you. God does not condone abuse of any kind toward anyone. It's very possible that He (God) gave you children in hopes that you would say to yourself, "I may have accepted his abuse when it was just me and him, but he will NOT act this way around my kids. And if he does, then I'll leave him." When you didn't the first time, He/God gave you a second chance with your second child. So far you still haven't heeded His warning. Parents are responsible for teaching their children how to be responsible adults. That is done primarily through the parents actions. It's harsh to say, but so far, you haven't done very well. At least not in the part dealing with how to treat those you love. Sorry. You wanted honest. I gave you my honest opinion of your situation based on what you shared. Honest isn't always easy to hear.

Answer 4

Perhaps if you quit looking at life like a story somebody else is writing and you are the result of one of the character's development, you could get someplace with this situation.

You have made some poor choices. You act as though conception is the work of God, not the result of your own actions. Children are concieved because people fail to prevent conception. There are at least 13 methods of preventing conception. Having children with an abusive man is not a wise decision. An abusive man as a role model is the worst possible thing you can do in the long run.

Your children now see that behavior as normal and acceptable. If not normal and acceptable, at the very least, excusable. I'm sure you have taught them very well all the excuses for bad behavior and that they should love their father, anyway.

I'm not trying to sound ugly, but after 18 years, there isn't much you can really do about your situation.

You have two choices and neither are good ones. You can divorce him... or continue to live as usual.

No matter what you eventually choose to do, the most important thing you need to do is begin to accept responsibility for your own life and decisions. Quit blaming God and your husband for your situation. You are where you are... and living the way you do because you, for what ever reasons, chose to.

This problem isn't about your husband's lack of religion/faith. It is about you deciding it's ok that he verbally and mentally abuses you.

Ok, so we have identified the problem. What to do about it?

I encourage you to attempt to open the lines of communication with your husband. If he is capable of stopping the physical abuse, he can probably stop the rest of it, too, but has yet to see the need for such changes. I don't believe divorce is a good answer, but if he refuses to be part of making your relationship better, there is no reason for you to keep trying. You can't do it alone.

I'm so sorry you have spent 18 years dealing with this because you thought God wanted you to. It makes me sad that you thought pregnancy was caused by God trying to tell you to stay with your husband, in spite of his several years history of violence.

The only way to fix this now is to put your marriage on a month to month basis... like when you sign a lease and it expires, yet you do not re-sign. Get some couple counselling, if he will, but let it be known that specific behavior is not longer excusable. Then tell him what specific behavior. He can either get some help acquiring the tools to stop the habit or do it on his own, but either way, you won't continue to excuse it.

Then be responsible for your life and your children. If he doesn't comply, end the marriage. You cannot continue to teach your children that his behavior is excusable.

Or you can just continue to wait for God to be responsible for making your life better and teaching your children how civilized people behave.

Once again, the choice is yours. Be a woman. Stop being a victim for Christ. The "nobility factor" wears off after a while.

Answer 5

A person doesn't go on like that. A person in that situation is breaking and it's a wonder that you aren't broken by now. Physically, mentally, and emotionally. I don't know all the particulars, but any abuse is unacceptable. It doesn't mean you need to get a divorce, but you certainly do need to confront the problem. Have you had a frank discussion about your concerns with your husband? Have you told him how you feel? Have you gone to marriage counseling? You need to take proactive steps to fix the situation. If, after you have taken these steps, you are in a situation that is still unacceptable to you, you need to ask your husband to make a hard decision. Either he stops the abuse, or he will be a single man. But as long as you sit back and passively accept what has been happening to you, it will continue. Do not run away from it and do not continue to sit back and do nothing. Step up and confront it. It's going to be scary and it's going to be difficult. But you need to do it. Not tomorrow. Not next week. Today.

There are social services and marriage counseling available from my church. If you need help, contact them. www.lds.org

Answer 6

Look at it this way - you've only got one shot at life. You've pretty much spent a big chunk of yours in an unhealty, sad environment which, no doubt, has done a number on your self-esteem and self-worth.

You know, a lot of people stay in marriages because its the Christian thing to do. But, I think God gives us common sense. God does not want us to be in situations that break our spirit or cause us harm.

You're so far gone now, though, that I honestly don't think you have the willpower or confidence to do anything different than what you're doing right now. It's quite sad. Lately, since i've had my daughter, I recognize more than ever the precious frailty of life. And one thing I want to really work on is living this life to the fullest. You're doing the opposite, it seems.

Sure, you've got some great kids out of it, but do you really think this was what was supposed to be for your life. Is this how you imagined it?

Each second is an opportunity to make a change in your life and no one is holding you back but YOU! If you want it bad enough, you'll make the sacrifice. Trust me, it won't be easy. In fact, it may cause you much pain. But, when the storm clears, the sun will shine even brighter.

To answer your question - A person doesn't go on. He/she ceases to exist under these sorts of circumstances. Only a shell of a former self. Don't become a zombie. Wake up and live.

Answer 7

Katy
I hope you read down this far. I have no business telling you what you should do in your marriage. There are three of you involved and the three of you (You, your husband, and God) must make the decisions. What I would recommend is that you should find a safe place to go. It doesn't have to be forever. A place where your mind can be at rest and you can pray and listen for God. Sounds like you have lived according to the mandate God gave you in Ephesians 5. As you can see I am not recommending divorce. Maybe God can still save this marriage. I think you would be wise to allow Him to work in your husband's life... If you feel that he would you could have Him contact me thur email and I would be willing to call and council with him of His responsibilities to you from the Bible. I don't know if he would be willing to try or if he would be willing to except what God has to teach him about being a husband but I am willing to try to help... Jim

Answer 8

You are a very kind person and do not deserve this from anyone. I think you know what you should do deep down in your heart but are fearful of doing wrong by leaving a marriage that is wearing you down. We as parents have to be strong and true to our children, Gods children for that matter. If your husband thinks nothing of mentally abusing you, your children may grow up thinking its fine to be this way, which is to be the abuser or worse still the abused. I'm sure your children don't know a thing about this as most abuse goes on when children aren't there. But I'm sure they will pick up on your upset and display it in another manner. As children normally do. Whether it be hurting others or self-harm. You haven't brought this on yourself because you married a non-Christian. I don't mean to offend you in any of my opinions, I feel for you. I hope in my heart you can feel for yourself to and your children.
You are a very a good person to have put your troubles to one side as I'm sure I could never be as brave as you and I don't consider myself a quitter. But sometimes are our lives are worth so much more than to be laden with troubles.
Do yourself a good deed and persuade your husband to seek advice or go to marriage guidance. If he refuses then I believe you may have found your answer...You will know its for the best in time! best wishes to you.

Answer 9

i do no longer think there are any execs in having a husband and spouse attempting to stay with 2 distinctive religions. it could artwork yet I actual have considered too many couples that gave the impression to be a competent tournament religiously split up. Marrying somebody of a thoroughly distinctive faith is inquiring for issues. despite if neither is rather religious now there is usually a gamble that when childrens enter the image that should substitute. in case you're already desperate to marry somebody of a distinctive faith now may be the time to purpose to handle what the subject concerns would be and manage them. the two ought to attend worship amenities of the choice faith and attempt to income as plenty approximately it as accessible. it could additionally be a competent thought for the Christian to attend conversion training despite in the event that they haven't any purpose of changing now. Its accessible one or the different would be certain to transform and which would be one much less difficulty to handle. If the female is Jewish then the youngsters will immediately be Jewish. If its any opposite direction around and the spouse does not convert till now there are childrens, the youngsters could ought to transform to be Jewish even with how they have been raised. (some Reform rabbis will understand the youngsters as Jewish besides). Chedvah is authentic, it could create an identity disaster for the youngsters. relatively if this is the daddy this is Jewish.

Answer 10

I don't understand your full situation, but it seems to me that you're using God as an excuss to stay in this marriage. You have a responsibility as an adult and as a mother to get them poor children out of that situation. Kids are only innocent while thier children, how dare you take that from them. Stop being selfish, you are just as responsible for what those children have to go through as your husband is. Make the choice thats right for them at any cost, because in the end you're the only one who will be responsible for what type of people they turn out to be. And you WILL have to come to terms with that someday. You can use the excuss that God gave you a "sign" to stay with him, but what are you ultimately teaching your children about God?

Answer 11

I mean I know the saying "til death do us part" But you have been through a lot. I think you should leave him and pray to the Lord to transform your husband and if it is meant to be then I guess you will get back together and if not the Lord will bring something better in to your life. My mom and dad were married for about 6 years when he started cheating on my mom and no matter what my mother always there. The mistress was always calling my mom saying things to the point that during this time my mom was pregnant with my little brother and almost had a miscarriage twice during her eighth month. But my mom stood firm in the Lord and no matter what just tried to do what was right. Because of my father's cheating we also lost our house because instead of paying the mortgage he would throw away the bills and just give the money to her. We were forced to live in a basement with his brother and his brother's wife(their home). Well I endured a lot during that time. My mom prayed and told the lord that she wanted a sign that is was meant for her to leave him to make him realize that my mom had enough. We moved to PA from NY and he started traveling over there at first for a year. Then he went back to his old ways. At that point I stopped talking to him. Sooner or later the Lord worked on him because within a year he was living with my mother. Just pray to God. He knows that you have good intentions at heart and I don't think that it is right for any woman to endure any kind of abuse whether it just be verbal or physical.Pray for this and I will also pray for you.