Therapy has made me realise how poor a relationship I have with my father. What do i tell him?

Question

I'm 27 and have had depression for 10 years. 3 months ago I started psychotherapy and the main thing I have realised is that I'm not as close to my dad as I thought. My mum died when I was 6 and although I have always said it made my dad and I really close, I've been lying to myself. He remarried when I was 11. I have never had a bad relationship with my stepmum but I think that was when I started to lose him.

Over the years I have tried to talk to him but he doesn't listen. Frequently he will pick up a paper and start reading it whilst I am talking. When I have tried to tell him about my depression he doesn't take me seriously and tells me to pull myself together. When I told him recently I have been self harming he just asked why I would do something so stupid.

I now see that most of the decisions I have made about my life have been to try to make him proud.

I've asked him to meet me to talk about how I am feeling and he is but I'm scared of pushing him further away.

Answer 1

Approaching him is something you should talk about with your therapist. I would suggest stop telling your father about your depression and self-mutilation. Just start fresh with him. If he still doesn't respond, then love him from a distance. Sometimes we just never get what we want from our parents and it sucks but we have to learn to accept it and live our lives.

Answer 2

You poor thing you must be going through agony! However, sounds as if your Dad just isn't up to talking about feelings and stuff. I suggest you take it very slowly. In the meeting you have planned how about doing something fun and enjoying his company without talking about your past. If you want to talk about your past, leave it until another time when you are feeling less raw and also you sense he is receptive. Do not give him too much to deal with at once or he will back off. I am sorry you have to do this, but, I am afraid, you are going to have to be the adult. It may be impossible to get through to your father at all, and in that case you will have to continue to realise the truth on your own. I am glad you have a therapist who can help you. In the end, do not despair, as getting through problems and coming out the other side will make you a lovely, Strong, person. Good luck!

Answer 3

I honestly don' t think you should do it.

Your dad has made it clear this is something he is unable or unwilling to talk about. You've had therapy to get to this stage, he hasn't.

You're an adult now. You need to think about creating your own life & making your own decisions. You can choose not to be bound by past occurances. We all make the best decision we can at the time, forgive the past and move on.

I would really, really recommend you read 'They **** You Up' by Oliver James. It allowed me to move on from my less than perfect relationship with my father, and I know of a couple of other people who feel it gave them the freedom to move on in life.

Good luck whatever you choose x

Answer 4

You tell him the truth. The only way to get over your depression is to acknowledge your problems and try to resolve them.
You have to be strong and confront this or things will not change. If your father is at all interested in your well being then he will at least talk to you about it, even if he doesn't agree with what you say it might make him more aware of how he treats you.
If your Father really cannot talk to you about something that is affecting your mental health then maybe you need to think about whether having him in your life is healthy for you.

Answer 5

When a person has felt shut out for a long period of time, they are both careful of their own sensitivities and suspicious. If you were in your father's shoes, how would you react? During your adolescense, you probably pushed him away because you felt he betrayed you by re-marrying. Your relationship with your stepmother helped your life but I suspect that there was still an edge and perhaps a jealousy over your father's warmth to his new wife. Over the years, you have tried to justify yourself to him and your explanation of depression only reinforces the idea that you have distanced yourself from him. It is not easy to accept the distance and now everything will depend on your actions, not words to begin to mend the torn relationship.

Answer 6

Im sorry to say this but it is unlikey that your dad will be able to cope with such conversations which is why he appears to be disinterested.

Remember men of an older generation often find it alot harder to articulate their feelings than younger men do. Try to re-build your relationship with him by doing things together that you both enjoy, you dont always have to talk about something to make it happen.

I really hope it works out for you, I was never that close to my dad when i was a teenager but now im older i find it much easier to talk to him and often turn to him for advice and support and I know that it makes him feel needed.

Good luck with everything and well done for taking the step to get help, keep well

Answer 7

Therapy makes us all realize that our parents messed us up a bit. I am with the people who say dont tell him. You have an explanation as to why you feel like you do.


This be the verse..................by Philip Larkin

they f@ck you up your mum and dad,
They dont mean it but they do,
they fill you with the faults they had,
and add some extra just for you.

But they were f@cked up in their turn,
by fools in old style hats and coats,
Who hallf the time were soppy stern,
and half at one and others throats.

Man hands on misery to man,
It deepens like a coastal shelf.
So get out early as you can,
and dont have any kids yourself.



Its meant to be humerous of course.
You are one of the lucky ones who now has a heightened awareness of the pitfalls of parenthood. Make a better world

Answer 8

It's good that you have realized how your relationship is affecting your life. Since you are still involved with your father it will be tricky to discuss this with him. He sounds like a lot of older generation people when it comes to mental health. Because of position on mental health he may be more defensive. Before you talk to him I would recommend talking to your therapist. You may even want to have your talk during one of your sessions. This way the therapist can help both of you focus on the issues and not get too off topic. If you want or need to do this on your own think about what you want to say. Use "I" statements. Do not accuse him of things. I statements are a way of describing your feelings, wants, and needs. For example, instead of saying "you ignore me when I try to talk to you" you may want to say " I feel like I am being misunderstood. I need to be able to discuss my therapy with you." This way you are not coming off as accusatory and should keep him from feeling defensive. You may want to practice this with your therapist or a friend before meeting with your father. Finally, you cannot control anyone's behavior, feelings, or reactions except your own. Now that you have identified the problem work with your therapist to become more independent. Explore the things you want for yourself and devise a plan of action to obtain those goals. Good luck.

Answer 9

Do you think you could fall in love with your husband? If so, definitely work on this. If not, then I don't really know (I'm sort of in the same situation-only my crush is a celebrity-lol!) It's a wake up call for me. I know that I love my husband, but who's to say that someone like the celebrity won't come along and tempt me...

Answer 10

Conversations that come from the heart, without accusations, blame or pity, are the ones that make the most headway.

Your dad is a toughy, a man who believes it is weak to cry, show pain or have illness that affects emotions.

Simply being yourself, talking from the heart, letting him know that for once you want to share with him some of the things that you have been going through and you hope he will take time to listen. If he stands up to leave, puts a paper between you etc., bring his attention back to you...tell him you have to know that he is listening to you and could he please put the paper down or if he's leaving, could he please sit down just a few more minutes.

What you have said in your question, is some of the things your dad needs to hear...perhaps he sees the bond you have with your stepmom as something he wishes he could have as well but he doesn't want to come out and say so because well...that might be woosie :)

Your dad doesn't have to play tough with you...he's the man you look up to and he's the person whom you respect, admire and want to have a good relationship with...you are simply asking him to meet you half way so that the two of you can actually enjoy sitting down with one another and talking...about nothing perhaps at times, but at least sharing the time together.

Perhaps he didn't have this with his own dad...I and my two brothers lost our dad when we where young so the one thing that we are always trying to ensure people around us have, is a good relationship with their fathers. Even my husband who for most of his life never told his dad that he loved him, finally began to do so when I kept insisting this was something that needed to be said...I never got the chance to tell my father I loved him before he died, I'd not even said good by to him the day he died...so for me it is something that everyone should make sure they do...you never know when the opportunity to do so is going to be stolen from you.

Speak from the heart and don't be afraid to tell your dad you want him to listen to you for a moment...let him know you are eager to be a good son to him and you know that he wants to be a good dad to you...start everything over and work from today...yesterday no longer exists where your relationship is concerned...tomorrow however, is as important as today...don't let a minute of misunderstanding or hesitation take any of your new found relationship away.

Your dad will work with you even tho it will be a little tough for him in the early period...he'll come around because he will know that you are there to be a son to him and he can be a dad who isn't afraid to show his feelings now.

Good luck...it will work out okay...just let him know you want him to listen...he will. :) he's just not used to this kind of approach and it will take him a little getting used to it...but you'll see the changes gradually.