Best jokes please, feeling really low, can anyone cheer me up please????????
2006-09-14 02:23:48 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous in Health ➔ Mental Health
THE MIRACLE OF TOILET PAPER
Fresh from my shower, I stood in front of the mirror, complaining to my
husband that my breasts are too small. Instead of characteristically telling
me it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion.
"If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet
paper and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds."
Puzzled but willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and
stand in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts.
"How long will this take?" I ask.
"They will grow larger over a period of years," he replies.
I stop. "Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my
breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?"
Without missing a beat he says, "Worked for your bum, didn't it?"
He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, he may even walk again.
Stupid, stupid man
2006-09-14 02:26:46 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 3⤊ 0⤋
Ok, here we go....This couple took their 6 yr old son to a nude beach. The little boy asked his mom, Mommy why do some of these ladies have big boobies, she told him the bigger the boobies, the sillier the woman. He said ok and went to play. He then came back and asked, Mommy, why do some of the men have bigger thingys than other men, she told him that the bigger the thingy, the dumber the man. He was fine with that, and went to play again.
The little boy eventually came back and said, Mommy...Daddy is talking to this very silly lady and the longer he talks to her, the dumber he gets!
2006-09-14 02:31:00 · answer #2 · answered by ~~ 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
i am passing this on to you because it has worked for me and i have found inner peace. the way to do this is to finish the things you started! i looked around this morning to see the things i have started so i finished the vodka, baileys, some red wine and the valium and you have no ******* idea how peaeful i feel.
2006-09-14 02:37:44 · answer #3 · answered by nicolatwinkle 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Why do seagulls live near the sea ? Because if they lived near a bay they'd be Baygulls
2006-09-14 02:35:42 · answer #4 · answered by Flibble 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
My mother-in-law sent me this one!
I'M A PRINCESS...........
AN AIRLINE'S PASSENGER CABIN WAS BEING SERVED BY AN OBVIOUSLY GAY FLIGHT ATTENDANT, WHO SEEMED TO PUT EVERYONE IN A GOOD MOOD AS HE SERVED THEM FOOD AND DRINKS.
AS THE PLANE PREPARED TO DESCEND, HE CAME SWISHING DOWN THE AISLE AND ANNOUNCED TO THE PASSENGERS, "CAPTAIN MARVEY HAS ASKED ME TO ANNOUNCE THAT HE'LL BE LANDING THE BIG SCARY PLANE SHORTLY, SO LOVELY PEOPLE, IF YOU COULD JUST PUT YOUR TRAYS UP, THAT WOULD BE SUPER."
ON HIS TRIP BACK UP THE AISLE, HE NOTICED A WELL-DRESSED
RATHER EXOTIC LOOKING WOMAN HADN'T MOVED A MUSCLE.
"PERHAPS YOU DIDN'T HEAR ME OVER THOSE BIG BRUTE ENGINES.
I ASKED YOU TO RAISE YOUR TRAZY-POO, SO THE MAIN MAN CAN PITTY-PAT US ON THE GROUND."
SHE CALMLY TURNED HER HEAD AND SAID, "IN MY COUNTRY, I AM
CALLED A PRINCESS. I TAKE ORDERS FROM NO ONE."
TO WHICH THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT REPLIED, WITHOUT MISSING A BEAT, "WELL SWEET-CHEEKS, IN MY COUNTRY, I'M CALLED A QUEEN, SO I OUT RANK YOU.
TRAY-UP, *****."
2006-09-14 02:33:52 · answer #5 · answered by scottietiger 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
What did the cannibal do after dumping his wife? wiped his bum
Why do they prohibit blind people from doing skydiving? Because it scares the **** out of the dog
2006-09-14 02:36:54 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
a woman is at the checkout in her local supermarket, as she puts her groceries on the counter the young lad serving says;"you're single aren't you?"
She says did you guess, by the microwave meals for one?
He answers" no its because your fuc*ing pig ugly"
2006-09-14 02:30:12 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
A man goes to a zoo.
When he walks in the man is disappointed - all he can see is a tiny dog in a cage.
It was a Shitzu.
2006-09-14 02:29:45 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 1⤋
A gorgeous woman goes into a bar and says "Can i have a double entendre please?"
The barman says "Sure, I'll give you one"
2006-09-14 02:32:48 · answer #9 · answered by Boring 5 · 0⤊ 1⤋
What do you call a nun with a washing-machine on her head?
Sister-Matic!
2006-09-14 03:42:32 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋