I can't stand my man's mom!! What shall i do?

Question

My boyfriends mom seemed really nice when i first met her but i know she's just a ***** deep down. When my man was growing up she placed him in care homes and never really looked after her children. Altogether she has 4 three boys and one girl.
She is so nosy also always wanted to know whats going on in mine and her other sons relationships she also speaks in a really posh accent when really she's just an dirty, messy woman.
She came to my moms house before and then she redecorated her whole house like mine but in acheaper version. I also feel she tries to compete with me she never used to do anything for my man but now she sees me buying him clothes or having a laugh she tries to copy. My boyfriend also doesn't really see any faults with her even though they have thier quarrels sometimes (which i find myself loving!) She hasn't done me a serious wrong but i can sense that there is something about her i dislike.
Even her two older sons girlfriend and wife dislike her. Help

Answer 1

Face it, she's his mom. If you're going to have a future with this guy, you'll HAVE to learn to deal with her. You don't have to become best friends, but you need to at least be able to get along with her.

If you learn to accept her flaws and eccentricities by simply saying "oh, it's his mom, being herself again" then things won't be so bad. It sounds as if she doesn't mean to do anything bad, so why should you take offense? You don't have to deal with her THAT often, do you?

You sound almost like you're jealous of the attention that she gets from your boyfriend. If so, you just have to realize two things: She will always have a role in his life, but you're still his #1 girl. Mom will never be any competition for you there.

Answer 2

This is simple.

Mothers are mothers. They will not change and you won't come between her and he. So, don't try. You will lose.

And before you do anything..remember you aren't the wife, just a girlfriend. So, technically in the great scheme of things, he is loyal to his family and not to you....as it should be...and that again is technically.

That's the proper answer.

Now the Christian-regular normal answer.

All mothers ("in laws") are a little crazy. All older people have their ways so they aren't really going to change. If she is nosey then she is nosey...maybe she doesn't have a life or something and tries to stay in her kids' lives as much as she can. The decorating thing is actually a compliment. So as in any family, you deal with it and life goes on. You should allow her her faults and try to limit her nosiness, and be careful how much you tell her about stuff. That will keep the peace. Once you accept her for who she is the better things will be. Mothers don't go away, habits are too old to change.

From your question, the fact that you "love" when her and her son quarrel shows that really the crux of the problem is you. You should never promote or get any satisfaction out of family dis-harmony. And that probably shows through in your dealings with her....I know...you think it doesn't ...right?

Notice her other sons-wives-girlfriends have the same issues so it should be you ....BEING THE BIGGER MAN(woman in this case)....to learn to accept it support your boyfriend but never take sides in these things. You will have to give in sometimes to her wierdness--but that's what relationshuips are about--give and take. You will be less crazy about this. It eventually won't bother you so much...it will show your boyfriend that you care enough about him to make this work...it will give you and the mom at least a better relationship. She may appreciate it, too. She may respect your privacy more....eventually.

Of course you have to be the "Bigger person" to do this. If you are.

So, you have the only solution..it is you.

Not that she is your "enemy" but Jesus said "love your ememies"..it is harder but better for you if you do. Work on it....and maybe some of your bitterness towrds her would subside and it is certainly better than loving quarrels in the family.

Many girlfriends...but mothers are forever (good or bad).

Answer 3

I have a few suggestions. I sympathize with your pain even though my mother-in-law is pretty easy, exc for some annoying passive-aggressive BS, getting along with new family members is always a challenge.
So, first thing is that you have to decide what you want. Do you want to have a tolerable and closer relationship with her? Or, do you want to have minimal contact as she cannot be tolerated?
If you want to get closer, which it seems you don't, I'd recommend avoiding her for quite some time to let your anger settle down. I'd also aim to distract yourself from thoughts of how much you hate her, her competing with you and her poor, seemingly cold choice to place your boyfriend in care homes. (i'm American, living in London, so I am guessing this means boarding home in the US.) The other fact you must come to terms with is that your boyfriend does not have the clarity that you have re: his relationship with his Mom. He never will b/c he is emotionally intricated with her. And, any attempts to tell him how awful she is would have to be done very subtly or not at all as this will only drive a stake between you and your man. He will become instantly protective of his Mom, as she is his family, and shut you out. He will feel you are making a direct attack and his defenses will go up and he won't hear you. If she is outwardly rude to you, is abusive, or anything completely obvious and disrespectful to you, you do not and should not tolerate this. Your boyfriend must prioritize you as his first priority and stand up for you. You will be able to see what he is made of, or use this as a learning experience for him to know what you need. So, he can address his mother, not you. Realistically, you should set up a precedent where he deals with his family issues and you with yours. No matter what he says to his Mom, he is still a blood-relation and she will still love him. If you say something to her, ties that aren't even formed yet will sever and you will probably not be forgiven. So, back to the point. If you want to have a closer, kind relationship with her, as this would be easier than a nasty one, I'd just kill her with kindness. Invite her out to lunch. Call her on her birthday. Help her in the kitchen with dishes and ask about how she is doing and about herself. Your boyfriend will be pleased with your efforts, and if his Mom misbehaves after this, it will be more obvious to you that she is not worthy of a friendship and more obvious to your boyfriend that she is in the wrong. She may be feeling threatened and think she's losing her son, so if you make this effort, she may feel less so and that she can still be a part of your lives. She may become less bothersome if you do this. Or she may not. And as far as her irritating ways, everyone has faults, so these may be hers.
If none of this works, and you decide you don't want a relationship with her, minimize the amount of time around her. Avoid spending extra time when you can avoid it (chats in the kitchen, private girl time, etc.) but don't be obviously rude, like avoid important family events. Change the topic when and if other family members that despise her start to ***** about her. Don't initiate these conversations. Focus less on her competitive behavior and her nosiness, and perhaps consider her motivations, starting with the most sympathetic to the least. Thinking good things about her will only help you in the end. If she's nosy, maybe she wants to be closer to you and is feeling threatened that she will lose her sons' affections. Maybe she is lonely and this is her way of getting close. Maybe she redecorates like you do b/c she likes your taste or because she is insecure. This could be a strange form of flattery. Also, give her the benefit of the doubt. You don't know all the reasons why she put your boyfriend in care homes because you weren't there. And, maybe there was good reason. And, maybe people just make different choices that you wouldn't make. And maybe it was a mistake that she regrets.
The goal is to care less and minimize the stress in your life. Because if you are indifferent, but polite as opposed to hating her, you will expend less energy and be able to focus more on other topics of conversation and parts of your life. She isn't going anywhere and if you two decide to get married, she will be in your life in some way. You aren't going to like everyone you come across, but there are ways of making it more tolerable. I hope this helps! Good luck.

Answer 4

Some things you just will never change.... my advice to you is if you plan on staying with him, be polite and respectful to her when in her company no matter if she is getting under your skin. Remember, you are only going to be around her for short periods of time. Eventually she will either start to slightly accept you or at the very least tolerate you....also you are dating him---not the "family"!!! An occassional inexpensive bundle of flowers from the market would eventually make her look at you in a more positive way!!
I went through this many years ago, and it took some time to work out. LOL

Answer 5

There is always going to be some form of conflict between a mother and daughter-in-law (or girlfriend), it's quiet normal.

Acceptance is the key here. Providing that you have a healthy relationship with your boyfriend, I see no reason why you should consider taking any 'drastic' action.

Making light of her faults with your boyfriend will show him that you care more for him, consequently he will appreciate your stance and may even begin to share his feelings relating to her failings.

Remember, the relationship is between you & him.

GOOD LUCK

Answer 6

its a rotten situation to be in but you cant really do much about it - at the end of the day shes your boyfriends mum and the fact that he cant see the faults you do - if you keep pointing them out it may backfire on you - I mean lets face it, no-one likes to hear their family being bitched about.
All I can recommend to you is to have as little as possible to do with her.
Alternatively maybe a day out with the woman - lunch or something, just the two of ye might put any indifferences to rest ?? Maybe she just needs to get to know you better on a personal level

Answer 7

She sounds like a single parent ( I may be wrong)
It was hard for her to bring them up on her own (may be she was irresponsible for having them) Now she is approaching the time of her life when she needs her offspring to look after her and she is probably thinking of future needs, you and the other partners of her boys threaten that relationship. Unfortunately you will have to spend a life time appeasing her for little reward or just ignore it and get on enjoying your relationship with her son. After all its not her yo are in love with.

Answer 8

She's probably realised that she has many many failings and is trying to raise herself up a little.
Speaking posh and copying your mothers good taste almost sounds like she trying to clutch at approval.
She's false, which is what you don't like.
Your partner is stuck with her - which again you don't like as you feel he deserves better.
It almost seems that she is afraid/ashamed to be herself because of her lack of self-worth/low self esteem - which may be responsible for her behaviour towards her children in the past.
Have you tried talking to her about her youth and upbringing, her aspirations?
You may learn something about her that will make you view things in a while new light.
It does seem like you're stuck with her - try to make the best of it

Answer 9

My ex's mum was a complete b*tch. Unfortunately the cow won in the end. I'm a bloke by the way!. She told my girlfriend that her 'boobs were too big' as a criticism. What the hell could she do about that? What was worst was the fact that the cnut won. You might as well just kill her (subtly). The nasty bitches never change.

Answer 10

This typical women problem. You will never find a perfect another women in your life then your self. You can change 10 boyfriends or 10 husbands, the basic problem will be there as usual.
If you want to change anything change yourself.