I have been with my boyfriend for 5 years and have been engaged for two of those years. Recently I stumbled upon his open e-mail on my computer and found several e-mails from his ex in high school. He promised me he would never talk to her again as we have had many arguments about her calling, writing letters and visiting. (He says that they are good friends and that she is married so nothing will happen between them.) He was invited to her wedding last year but she told him that he could bring anyone but me as a guest. She has told him that she doesn't like me at all and constantly asks him why he left her for me. She ends one of her e-mails asking if she can come to our wedding. I absolutely do not want her to come to mine if I wasn't allowed to go to hers. I feel bad for snooping around my fiance's e-mail but I don't know if I should talk to him since he will become defensive. Do I talk to him about this or keep my mouth shut?
2006-09-13 20:18:22 · 33 answers · asked by Lily19 2 in Family & Relationships ➔ Weddings
I would keep it quiet for now. You don't know how he is responding to her emails, he may not even be writing her back at all. He may have already told her "no" to the wedding invite.
When it's time to make the guest list, which you should already be working on if you've set a date, see if he includes her on his list. If he doesn't, then problem solved. You won't have to deal with her at the wedding.
If he does include her, ask him why. Listen calmly to his answer. Then remind him that he made you a promise to never talk to her again due to past disagreements, so he should be keeping it, and remind him that you were not allowed at her wedding. She doesn't like you any more than you like her. If there are specific dates/times that you can think of when she treated you badly, or said something mean or rude, bring it up. If he wants her to be a part of his life after the marriage, he should have already stood up for you when she said things like that.
On another note, you shouldn't dictate who he can and can't be friends with. It could backfire on you in the long run.
When he's in a calm mood, talk to him about his friendship with her. Gently tell him that you are upset over the way she has treated you in the past, the things she has said about you, and the way he acts towards her. Even though they are both in other relationships, you feel that she still wants him back/has feelings for him. Then bring up all the examples you can think of when she acted this way to support your beliefs.
Then it's time to 'fess up about the email. Let him know that you weren't intentionally snooping, but it was open and you saw her letters. Firmly, but not in anger, let him know that you don't appreciate the dishonesty. He went behind your back keeping in touch with her when he promised not to talk to her again. He'll probably get mad that you read his mail, but remind him that if he was honest with you, it wouldn't matter who sent what. It would have been just a letter from a friend, not a broken promise.
Neither one of you is all right or all wrong here. You both made mistakes, it's time to fix them before the wedding. He needs to be honest about their contact, you need to confess to reading his mail. If it comes out later, like in another arguement, it will only make it worse.
2006-09-14 04:17:48 · answer #1 · answered by welches_grape_jelly 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
You have the chance to show yourself as better than her by let her come to your wedding and you wont take it - wow. Besides the fact that you sound really insecure and controling in what you wrote (and a snoop who can't repect boundries) you have a change here to show yourself as the better person. Of course you weren't invited to her wedding - you have made it clear you don't want anything to do with here. What are you scared of? He is marrying you isn't he? I would suggest you stop acting like a child and accept her. If you think he does or will cheat on you why are you marrying him? What was his responses to her emails - those are more important that whatever she says. Did he go to her wedding?
I don't know him that well but I would stop this snooping immediately. What I suggest is that you try to be honest with him because if you can't be honest with your husband - then maybe this wedding isn't a good idea from the start and stop lying.
2006-09-13 20:28:48 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
If your fiance is still talking to a girl who you really have a problem with him talking to then I think you have deeper issues that just her cumming to a wedding. He needs to know that your feelings matter and him going behind your back even if is just to email this girl is a real betrayal. My advice is to not go through with the wedding, but if you still want to try, then most definitely she cannot come to your wedding. That is like inviting the wicked witch of the west to come curse the happiest day of your life. If she is there all you will be thinking about is her and not how wonderful your new married life will be. Good luck with this one I have faith in you and no matter what I am sure it will turn out OK.
2006-09-13 20:25:06 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 0⤋
Just come right out and tell him that ur not comfortable with him communicating with her still and tell him that if he cant leave her alone than he doesn't love YOU enough to marry you. I have been in this same situation and i just told him that because marriage is a big step and you have to have TRUST, And you cant trust her. And no i wouldn't let her come to my wedding b/c you know she doesn't like you so why come!! She can wish him the best the last time they talk. And if he ask u how u knew just tell him that he wasn't logged out of mail box, and u seen her name. Good luck girl And remember " Life is not promised to you so make the best of it." Those are the tramps that us good women have to look out for.
2006-09-13 20:36:17 · answer #4 · answered by mrs_smith 1 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Wait for him to bring it up. Most likely, he will handle the situation himself. I doubt that he is stupid enough to tell her she can come to your wedding and if he does, he will have to mention it to you as I am sure you two are working on the guest list, invitations, seating, etc. together. If he brings it up, let your opinion be known but I wouldn't tell him you were reading his e-mails, that is an invasion of privacy and he will probably be very upset with you. Just remember, he's marrying YOU. This other girl is not a threat.
2006-09-13 20:23:21 · answer #5 · answered by Lucrecia2001 2 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Wait for him to ask if she can come to your wedding. If he does ask, say clearly that you were excluded from her special and you see no reason why she should come on your special day. Plus you should address the fact that your fiancee might still be into her, which is the reason why he's having such a hard time letting go of her and she's not totally off him either. I suggest you think really hard before you commit to this relationship for the rest of your life, seems like there are trust issues here. Consider counselling and you both will do much, much better with each other.
2006-09-13 20:21:35 · answer #6 · answered by DrSH 5 · 2⤊ 1⤋
Oh - the games people play- she did not want you at her wedding- UGh - play it cool and ask your fiance if you can invite one of your exs- it might make him think- looks like an emotional affair - if not more=0 is he ready to commit- sound like he is still playing- and lied to you- promised he would not talk to her- the warning bells have gone off! do want a marriage made in heaven or hell??counseling may help -easier to prepare than repair- take care of you- D
2006-09-13 20:37:04 · answer #7 · answered by Debby B 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Your incharge of the invites right? Just don't invite her.
I wouldn't say anything to him about it. You don't want him to know that you are looking in his private stuff. Even though you are getting married some stuff should stay private, such as email. It sounds like so far he has not brought it up to you. Maybe he knows that you will not want her there so he isn't saying anything about it. Its not like he can seceretly invite her, where is she going to sit? Anyways, you need to remind him that you are getting married and you do not appreciate the phone calls to old girlfriends, married or not. It is not fair to treat you like that. Ask him what he would do if you started to email and call some male friends and see what he says.
2006-09-14 01:14:01 · answer #8 · answered by michiganwife 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
talk to him about this.
it already sounds like the ground is more than ripe for an emotional or sexual affair between these two.. already he has proven he cares more for her by continuing their contact than by listing to your concerns and ending his communication with her. you need to sit him down and have a frank discussion with him. let him know you're not the jealous type, but the talk between the two of them and the comments the woman has made (not liking you, allowing him to take anyone but you to her wedding, etc) are comments that are not good in your book. let him know that you are disappointed with him for not sticking up more for you when she says things like this (her continual bad mouthing of you should have made him stop talking to her on his own long ago). tell him you want to go into pre-marital counceling before you get married. many couples do it these days and is required in many (most?) churches.
if he refuses to end contact with her, leave him. he obviously does not truly love you and care about your feelings. in the end, this guy will only bring you pain. you need to find a man who cares more about your feelings than some ex's.
2006-09-13 20:25:11 · answer #9 · answered by .jess 3 · 2⤊ 0⤋
You know what I would lett her come! And make sure I look my best that day just to rub it in her face that he is with me and not her. Just show her that you are a better person than she is. And i mean hallo he left her for you....there's a reason why he did that. There's a reason why he loves you and not her!!! You are getting married that shows you that he wants to be with you and not her. But don't lett your guard down, she sounds like a real scaly snake!!! Be like nice to her but lett her understand in a nice why that he is yours. And don't feel bad about the email thing, just don't do it again. And talk to him tell him exactly how you feel.
2006-09-13 21:06:17 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋