I just don't know what to do! Please Help!?!?

Question

I would first like to say I love my husband a lot--but our parenting styles just don't click. We had talked about this before I got pregnant and argued a little but not as much. It almost seems like everything I'm for--he is against. Everything he's for--I'm against. I want to come to a compromise but we are both stubborn. For example, I don't believe in spanking ALL the time--I think it should be used as a last resort. My husband on the other hand thinks in any situation it is alright to spank. I think our sons and daughters should be treated equally--he thinks daughters should have a earlier curfew. I believe in schedule and routine--at every turn--he is trying to brake my schedule or routine. He scares my son--on purpose--just to see him cry (it's cute--he doesn't do this too often.) Here's another example of what we argue about--any child gets distracted easily. Feeding a baby isn't fun--maybe sometimes but not all the time--my husband will sit there and distract him--which makes me have to feed him for a half an hour instead of a quarter. It’s not that I mind feeding him for longer, it just that it’s unnecessary. It’s like anytime I try and set a rule--I will add we’ve agreed on he’ll try to break it. He doesn’t understand that we are parents. I am not the only parent--he is no longer a child. We have to work as a team. My main concern is if my husband won’t respect me, how will my son know to? Kids learn from example and my husband doesn’t seem to lead a good one. Yes, he is funny. Yes, he entertains. No, he doesn’t help me. No, he doesn’t help enforce rules. I’m torn and I just don’t know what to do. Please don’t say--that’s all men. It’s not all men, I believe he can be different. I’ve tried talking with him several times about it. He either agrees and then doesn’t follow through or he says that I am too picky and thinks he does everything wrong. I don’t know how to get through to him. Please help!

I guess you are right, but is there anything else I could do better?

He is not abusive to me. He has yet to spank our son. Our son is only seven months old. I used those examples merely to explain our marriage. I don't care if you do or don't believe in spanking. I do, get over it. I am not telling you how to raise your child. Another thing, how dare some people be so judgmental--the sad truth is I could probably tell you a thousand things in my book that I think you are doing wrong...but I don't--I wouldn't. That is because I respect others.

Answer 1

Honey this happens in many marriages. It happens in mine all the time. Just pick and choose your battles. Also speak to him when you are calm, not aggrivated. Men don't react well you a woman repramanding them or yelling at them.

IM me or e-mail me if you want to.

You don't need counceling as the first person said.

Answer 2

OK--first, I am almost 100% in agreement with everything you have said. The only thing I sided with your husband on is I think spanking should be used more than just as a last resort. That said--I don't think with his rather immature attitude that spanking or much else will work out right.

I know everyone says counseling is the way to go. There certainly are good reasons and situations where counseling will help. But I am not sure this is one of them--at least not yet.

The problem is I sense you are a strong woman with a very sensible approach. Your husband is immature and has not really thought things out.

You say you love him--and this I believe. But the only way this is going to work is for you to take charge and lead the way. He is going to have to catch up and grow up.

If he is unable to keep up with you and it is a problem then you could pursue counseling--if at that point you think it might be valuable and it is still a relationship you wish to salvage.

I believe if your husband sees you acting strongly and maturely he will follow along. What you have to do is INSIST on it. The things like routine are essential to raising children. Scaring your son--that is absurd--tell him to knock it off. These are the essential things that you can not let him dictate to you.

The other things are in the future and do not need to be a bone of contention (although the spanking thing is coming up soon--and personally I suggest you moderately modify your opinion). But his stupid opinion about treating daughters and sons differently--that you do not have to face for a while--so you do not have to make that a big battle point now--just stick to your guns on it

Just ignore his crap and do the right thing. Consult and discuss things with him--but if it is an immediate issue and his positon is just stupid--ignore it.

I don't know what your social network is like--but you need some support and input from other women--including, but not exclusively, women with young children.

Answer 3

here's the thing I hear you saying. You are both forceful, and do not communicate well. A counselor can help with that or you can get some tapes on the subject and watch them together. Some suggestions. When talking to him assume he will come to the right conclusion if he really thinks about it and talk to him like that, asking questions. Use an environment where you can be alone and peaceful and do not wear a lot of clothes. When he says That so and so is always getting over you say It sounds like you are angry. When he says yeah cuz he always makes my job harder you say so he steals the energy you'd like to bring home to us. Use as few directive remarks in the talk as you can and yet still slowly bring him to your subject and continue asking and actually trying to understand rather than pushing your ideas. When you do express your ideas use the framework that this is how you feel not this is right because. like I feel really hurt indise when my scratch that OUR child gets spanked, or whtever is rtue for you but use the words I feel not you are. These are just a few communication points there are many more in books or at a pro's office. There is a book called the STEP manual that explains the conversation strategy as well as ways to teach kids stuff. It is easy to understand and has helps for quick referance. the bonus is it will help you to talk to your husband as well as your children. If you go through it together you might both learn the better way together

Answer 4

Sounds like you both would benefit from counseling. Spanking is NOT wrong in all situations as stated by one of the respondents. It should be used as a last resort. It is of the utmost importance that parents be on a united front especially when it comes to the rules. If mom says no, dad has to say no, and vice-versa. If you disagree, don't disagree in front of the kids. Discuss it later in private and come to an agreement or compromise. It's not cute to make a little one cry on purpose, it's cruel. I would venture that there is a lot in the past that is creating this type of behavior. Like I said when I started, counseling will benefit everyone. Good luck!

Answer 5

You just described most of the cases on Nanny 911. There are two parents in your family and you do have to work as a team. You need to sit down and agree on household rules, methods of discipline, etc. You may think it's funny when your husband trys to scare your son just to make him cry, but that causes anxiety problems in later years. Giving girls and boys different rules makes one feel less important than the other. Spanking a child all the time makes spanking less effective - and it doesn't make sense to hit a child for hitting. Time out, privilege restrictions, etc. should be used first.

Answer 6

Really, as you've pointed out there is not much that can be done - without outside help.
Some of what you described is simply insensitive. Example; scaring a son just to get a kick out of watching him cry. And you're right in saying that the kids will see his lack of respect for you and pattern it.
You really need a counselor to sit down with the two of you. Chances are he won't go for it. But that may send you a message too. That he is unwilling to compromise or show interest in saving your marriage. Don't wait until it's too late. Talk to a counselor, and then ask him to get involved.

Answer 7

I have seen a lot of your questions you sound like a very smart girl . A lot smarter than most mothers these days . You have a Husband that has been in the air force right then try to explain to him that your schedule is very important to you and you baby just like his routine in the air force . There is routine and proper procedure in the air force right ? Try explaining it that way . Respect is a big part of marriage if you don't have respect for one another things can never work . Maybe you should sit down and right him a letter and explain all these things to him in great detail and how you feel about them then have him read it in front of you and discuss them .

Answer 8

If you talking to him doesn't work maybe try a counselor. Your right he needs to stand by the rules and the routines. It makes things so much easier. I also agree with you as using spanking as a last resort. Thats what I do. Maybe some one else can try and talk to him. His mom maybe or yours. Your right hes not a bad guy he just wants to do things his way and sees nothing wrong with it. I understand. I sorta went through it with my husband, but we talked and worked it out. Just keep trying and stand by what you feel is right and hopefully he'll see and start helping you out. Good luck.

Answer 9

My husband and I had a similar situation. We couldn't agree on how to discipline his daughter my step - I know I am the step and should leave the discipline to him but the issue was he wouldn't do anything. I got "she's had such a hard life" at every turn. Her mom constantly left her with others for months at a time and when she did keep her it would be in an unsuitable environment like living in a one bedroom hotel with 3 other kids and mom and step-dad always drunk. When my husband had her at 19 he was irresponsible and didn't even realize he had denied all rights to her by not showing up for a court date. Her mom would not let him she her at all. We had a very long court battle - Arkansas has some strange custody laws, but eventually she agreed to sign over all rights to us. Any way back to the point because of her background and the fact he rarely got to see her, he was scared to discipline her and refused to put her in counseling. I was the one home with her all the time - he was a subcontractor and worked 12 hr days. I tried to discipline her but every time I did as soon as he got home he would tell me how what I was doing was wrong and he would say it right in front of her. Needless to say she lost all respect for me and would do NOTHING I told her to. She started failing at school, wouldn't clean up after herself but his real wake up call was when we watched her hit her 2-yr-old sister with a stick and then very casually deny it to us. Then he started allowing me to discipline her but as I said she held no respect for me. One day he was actually paying attention and was astounded by her lack of respect and preceded to spank her (it was well deserved.) That was the beginning and then we began compromising on how to deal with her. Now I don't want to make her out to be a bad kid. I love her and always have, but she was acting the way you would expect a spoiled undisciplined child to act. We eventually put her in counseling and things are a lot better for us now.

Don't let this continue. It will cause problems later. If you have to go to counseling do it. Don't be too proud or embarrassed to. Good luck to you and your family.

Answer 10

If the two of you sitting down and talking hasn't helped you to come to any agreements, maybe it's time to bring in a neutral party to help facilitate the discussion. You could choose to see a counselor together or talk with a Priest or a trusted friend or relative who you feel could remain neutral. You might also consider reading some parenting books together and discussing them or taking a parenting class together.

Answer 11

When i read ur ?- u seem hurt, that ur husb is not in compliance.- The Bible says" Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old, he will not depart from it.-- Porverbs 22 v:6-- you do not want to wait until ur child is 15, 16, to try to discipline them, because of course it would be to late. Spanking is necessary, but not all the time. U dont want ur child to think that hitting solves everything, because that can led to domestic violence in the latter years.It also seems lik ur husb is more lik a big male brother than a fthr, and it seems lik he is painting a picture that u r the bad one and not him. I am not sure if he is still young, but if he is, than that is another issue.