I am trying to summon him but he will not appear! I have tried everything...right now I am half-nude covered with blue body paint and intricate magical designs and holding my dog over a fire for sacrifice yet he still won't appear! WHERE IS HE?? Any1 know any rituals to summon him? do i have to tie the bible to my dog and trim off his fur first?
2006-09-13 13:05:41 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous in Society & Culture ➔ Religion & Spirituality
if he is everywhere does that mean he is in my pants right now? OMG!!! Jesus!!! Get away!
2006-09-13 13:08:01 · update #1
hes everywhere
2006-09-13 13:07:10 · answer #1 · answered by tanya b 1 · 1⤊ 3⤋
You can't "summon" Jesus. God is everywhere, even though you can't see Him. If you really want to talk with Jesus, don't practice magic. " 'Therefore this is what the Sovereign LORD says: I am against your magic charms..." Ezekiel 13:20
God is there if you seek Him. Don't try to summon Him, talk to Him through prayer, find a life-giving church and God will be there.
2006-09-13 20:23:46 · answer #2 · answered by G W 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Most people are unaware of the missing page of the Sanctum Summonus Jesuica; in addition to the blue body paint and the dog sacrifice, you must put mashed garbanzo beans into the 'first plarabus of the colon' (which means the first 1.5 inches of your colon). I was missing this part, too, and when I added it, Jesus came to me (along with his brothers, Jose and Pablo).
2006-09-13 20:23:05 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 1⤋
You are terribly sacreligious! Jesus is not laughing and no one else is. You sound like a real idiot, you know? Even with all of that, Jesus still died for your sins too. If you have any sense at all, you will fall on your knees and ask for forgiveness.....or you can keep this up and burn in Hell...how dumb would that be?
2006-09-13 20:15:33 · answer #4 · answered by altruistic 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Have those darned Christians lost him again? They're always asking me if I've found Jesus, like I'm the one who's supposed to keep up with him or something...
2006-09-13 20:15:25 · answer #5 · answered by JenV 6 · 0⤊ 1⤋
Go ask a born again, I hear them say all the time that they found Jesus. Sounds like they know where he is.
2006-09-13 20:12:01 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 1⤋
okay there is something seriously wrong with you. um try praying to Jesus and going to church and ask someone there if they can help you relate or have a relationship with Jesus. Jesus is in heaven so the only way you can see or talk to him is by praying and talking to Him!
2006-09-13 20:08:44 · answer #7 · answered by lex 3 · 1⤊ 1⤋
Maybe you should try a goat? Last time I used a dog, it rained for a week, and Jesus never showed.
2006-09-13 20:07:40 · answer #8 · answered by emmadropit 6 · 1⤊ 2⤋
You need a apple a coat hanger and a pencil, I made bongs with less but to get to Jesus you need a four foot graffix.
2006-09-13 20:09:07 · answer #9 · answered by animalmother 4 · 1⤊ 2⤋
Why in the world would Jesus want to have anything to do with a psychopath like you????
2006-09-13 20:11:04 · answer #10 · answered by just42day 3 · 0⤊ 1⤋
Elmo, you are ill- named. Most stoners don't f#ck with people. I'm going to re-name you, Elmo the Drinker
2006-09-13 20:07:56 · answer #11 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 1⤋