Parenting: When Child Lies. How to discipline for 7 year old fibber.?

Question

My seven year old fabricates stories to avoid getting in trouble. How do I address this with him?

Answer 1

In order to figure out an appropriate way to handle it you have to think of what leads up to a child's doing something he shouldn't have done:

Kids do stuff for a number of reasons. One is that it just seemed like a good idea at the time. An example of this is when kids are out together and think up how funny it would be to, say, dump juice into everyone's mailbox. They imagine how funny it would probably be (in their minds), and then they all fuel each other's excitement about it. They aren't thinking beyond the deed because kids don't think beyond the deed. A child alone may do the same kind of thing: He's in the bathroom and sees his mother's mousse make-up in a funny bottle. He isn't thinking its your make-up. He's thinking, "Here I am. Here's that bottle that looks interesting." He discovers that the mousse makes an interesting lump when it is shot out. He's having fun. He keeps going. He discovers he's emptied the make-out out into the sink. All of a sudden it hims him that he has emptied out his mother's make-up. He doesn't know what to do, so the washes out the sink, hides the bottle in the back of the linen closet and hopes she doesn't come looking for it, and he may even empty out the rest of the air freshner in his attempt to get rid of the make-smell in the sink or drain! Now he knows he's done an awful thing because now he's faced with dealing with the realities of getting carried away with the squirting of the mousse (that was fun and interesting at the time). Now he's suddenly thinking about not being able to replace the mousse or the air freshener, about the fact that he has ruined something that belongs to his mother, about the fact that he doesn't know how much the make-up cost her or whether its something she really likes. He doesn't know what to do, so he tucks the thoughts of the guilty deed in the back of his mind and goes out and starts watching television (or something).

Young children do things wrong because they were careless and some accident happened (a child may break the no-ball-throwing-in-the-house rule, knock over a plant on the rug, not know what to do, try to sweep up the dirt, make a mess in the rug, and then cover it with an ottomon, Children do things either because they're careless and accidents happen or else, as I mentioned, they break a rule and consequences happen.

The do wrong things because they are unable to resist temptation, because they think they should be able to do something that their parents don't think they should and they do it and try to hide it. They do wrong things for any number of reasons, and it usually isn't because they just thought, "Hey. I want to do something bad." (There are some trouble kids who need help and who are destructive and/or hurt other children and animals; but I'm talking about normal children.)

Children know right from wrong, and they want their parents to think highly of them. If they've done something wrong because they were (as is part of their immaturity) unable to be strong and resist temptation or tell the other kids "no" they already feel ashamed of that failure. If they broke a rule they are ashamed of that, and if consequences occurred they're not only double-ashamed but they're aware that they may have made their parents disappointed or even put them in position of having to pay for something. That spur-of-the-moment thing they did didn't take long before it became a burden for them and a source of shame. Not only are the ashamed of their own weakness, but they're ashamed of the fact that they did something so stupid. They feel bad that they have caused problems for the people they love so much and so much want the admiration of. If they have a little history of one hidden shameful secret after another they add to it one thing at a time, and they start to believe there's something very wrong with someone who has such a "black record" . Churches tell people that sins are black marks on a soul. Parents sometimes talk about a person's "record" of behavior. Parents often remind kids of the old things on the "record" as well. On top of it, many parents do this one: "What's wrong with you? Why on Earth would you do that?!!"

The what's-wrong-with-you question makes a child wonder what is wrong with him. He doesn't know. He knows he wasn't able to just not throw the ball in the living room, and he knows he didn't think about who owned that make-up before he started squirting it out. He may know he's a kind person and/or a good boy in school and other places. He may know he's even a good-looking kid who plays a good game of baseball. He thinks of all these things, and he tries to think what is that mysterious thing that he does't understand that makes him do all these wrong things. He wonders if maybe he is just "made of some inferior material".

So now, Mom was in getting some towels and saw the empty make-up bottle behind them. She comes out demanding answers about why he would do this. He doesn't have an answer because he knows if he says, "I wanted to see how it worked, and then it was fun to keep squirting it out" he's going to get the lecture about how it wan't his business to take it upon himself to see how it worked. It wasn't his. And then, what was he thinking to keep dumping it out when he knows how expensive things can be. And on and on and on. Mom is looking for an answer that sounds like something reasonable when she's demanding he tell the truth. He knows the truth sounds really stupid, and that he has no excuse for what he did other than that he couldn't resist or was otherwise stupid or ignored a rule.

So now he has his original shame for the "old record". He's added to the shame with this latest deed. He's feeling ashamed of his inability to stay out of trouble. He's feeling bad he wrecked his mother's make-up. He didn't plan this deed. He'd like to stop doing this stuff, but each thing is new. These wrong deeds just "keep happening". Its not like he plans to do this stuff. If he wasn't such a good little person at heart this stuff wouldn't bother him, but he's a good little soul, really, and he wants to be good all the time but just can't seem to be.

So now, here he is, three and half feet tall give or take a few inches, in a world where he knows he has little power. Even without doing anything wrong, he already feels small in this world a good part of the time. Now, he's got his "giant" parent(s) right there, demanding truth, being shocked or disappointed or hurt or angry. It almost doesn't matter what the punishment for the orginal crime is going to be. He's got the problem of his shame, his fear, his wish not to disappoint, his understanding that just telling the truth is probably going to make him look pretty weak and stupid, and now he can't he make that truth about what he did come out of his mouth. Its like his brain may even be short-circuiting because he cannot get that truth out - so he says "whatever". He may or may not be trying to avoid punishment in some circumstances, but from my experience I've found that more often they just can't talk about the shameful truth; and they're worried that if it comes out there is going to be so much discussion about his shameful deed it will give his shame new life.

The way I always handled the very normal lies that kids tell at one time or another was to tell them I wished they would tell me the truth because what they were telling me wasn't something I was able to believe. This let them know they weren't getting away without being responsible for what I KNEW they did (I would never accuse them of something unless I was 100% certain they had to have done the thing); and I would arrange for some appropriate consequences or punishment for the deed.

After letting them know I didn't believe them and why, I'd give them the dignity of just kind of letting the lie slide; because once kids lie about a shameful deed they now have an even bigger mess of shame to feel bad about. I always believed that by my
not making a big deal out of the lie (as long as they knew I knew it was a lie) it showed them that I understood how bad they felt about the wrong deed. I used to say to them (not necessarily when there was an "issue" to deal with, although sometimes that when I'd say it), "If someone feels so badly about something they will stoop to telling lies they must really feel horrible about what they did."

Also, just when you're around with the child and talking about things make it a point to discuss very seriously and clearly why being honest is what people need to be. Tell them how much better they'll feel if they aren't lugging around a bunch of shameful secrets. Tell them if they want to be trusted they need to be honest. These discussions may not fend off the next knocked-over plant, but eventually they begin to take hold.

As a kid, I was a really good little kid; but I also remember a string of mess-ups I did along the way - stupid stuff that makes me amazed at whatever my stupid, 8-year-old, brain was thinking!!
I'd occasionally tell a lie to cover up something or to try to make the whole thing go away, and then my parents would cease onto the lying thing and go on and on and on about (not in these words) how there must be something very wrong or else about how worried they were that I'd grow up not to be honest. It was ridiculous. Somewhere when I was a young teenager I just decided I wasn't going to lie to them any longer, and they'd just have to deal with it. That takes a lot of strength, and no seven-year-old who has the right attitude toward his parents is likely to have that kind of strength.

The best way to make fibs go away is not to let them stay out in the light of day for too long. Every little child - no matter how happy or how wonderful a childhood they're having - struggles with all kinds things that being a child and becoming an older child involves.

Children may be extremely intellectually mature and/or socially mature, but by virtue of being children they do not have the brain development or emotional maturity needed to always act like solid citizens. The fact that they don't doesn't mean they're headed for prison later on. Sometimes when parents tell a lie here or there they hate that in themselves so much they want to make sure their children are better than they are. Sometimes, too, there are people who are honest about everything to everyobody - except for their parents, and they'll lie to them forever because they don't want their parents to think less of them, lecture them, talk about them to other people, judge them, criticize them and/or talk the issue to death for the rest of time.

It is the job of parents to help children understand why they can't always do the "solid" thing and to help them realize that they aren't the only ones in the world who have ever done something wrong because they're children, and children do stupid or careless things sometimes. If you talk to your child all the time about everything in life, particularly about values and morals and principles he'll listen; and if you don't always need to use every little crisis that comes up or wrong thing he does to teach some lesson. How many of us have ever made mistakes and found that the person who didn't make a big deal out of it and who tried to help us hate ourselves less over it was so appreciated.

If your child doesn't appear too upset or particulary ashamed of his wrong deed it doesn't mean he isn't ashamed of it (unless, as I said, he's got serious mental problems or is a sociopath). Most of us make sure we keep as well hidden as possible those things which about which we are most ashamed; and the child who can't hellp but feel ashamed is then even ashamed of his inability to control that too.

Finally, what I've said above is for all the stupid things kids do wrong. If, by any chance, a child does something that would fall into the category of "Not The Usual Stupidness" and into a category of "Gravely Serious" (as with doing something mean to younger children, elderly people or pets or in the category of sexual activity not within the normal two-four-year-olds-being-curious type of thing) then none of the above applies. In such a case, discuss and grill the heck out of the subject. Attempt to get the truth if at all possible (but even here, the lie isn't the biggest crime any longer), and consider professional guidance. Just remember to keep the "gravely serious" bar high because of all the stupid stuff kids may do.


I know my answer has been bizarrely long, but I've seen this question about lying so often I just had to offer my thoughts.

Answer 2

I've flat out told my daughter that fibs and lies are NOT accepted in this house. I told her that, yes, she might get in trouble for doing something wrong but it's less than what she'll receive if I catch her in a lie. So, I caught her in a lie one time. The wrath fell upon her. It was one of the rare times that I spanked her and she got punishment. Everything that meant anything to her was taken away. Basically, all she could do was sit on her bed for a week. It didn't take long before she came to me and apologized for lying and said she'd never do it again. It wasn't even a big lie, more like a fib. I wanted her to know what the consequences were though. She's truly a good kid. She just didn't want face what she'd done. Now, she comes out and tells me when she's done something she thinks is wrong. Usually it's nothing. Example.....one time she thought she'd lost a ring I gave her, so she came to me and said "I know I'm in trouble, but I think I lost the ring". I was so proud of her. She was ready to face it. I said "no sweetie, you didn't, it looked like it was going to fall in the sink, so I moved it". Pure joy came across her face for 2 reasons....the ring wasn't lost and she faced what she might have done wrong. No matter what you do, you must stand by it. Be consistant. Don't punish one way, then do something different the next time. That is, unless the first method was totally uneffective. You're obviously a good parent or this wouldn't concern you. Keep doing what you're doing and stick to the rules and be sure to enforce them. Only you can really find the appropriate punishment because he's your child.

Good luck!!

Answer 3

There are two reasons why children seriously, frequently lie:

1) Because their home life is too strict; they are naturally drawn to do things which may be pretty innocent but which they feel they have to lie about

2) Because their home life is too permissive, and they are not stopped from doing things they know aren't right and feel uncomfortable about having done

If you think neither of those is the reason why your child is lying, then it probably is just a stage and he is just finding out what you will and won't put up with. Make sure he knows he can communicate with you about anything at all and actively reward him for being honest even when he would rather be dishonest.

Answer 4

This is normal. Children at this age believe that what they want or what they say makes it real. It is called wishcraft in popular terms.
Be patient. Don't intimidate your child into lying. If you see him/her doing something don't ask, "Did you do..." they will only lie if they feel you are angry. Instead confront the undesired behavior by saying, "I saw you... and I didn't approve."
Be gentle with your child during this phase of development. Sometimes you may need to help the child tell the truth. Explain that your feel disappointed when s/he doesn't tell you the truth. Tell the child that you need to be able to trust him/her. Reinforce that s/he can tell you anything. Explain that consequences are necessary for choosing to do the wrong thing, but you give consequences because you love him/her.
If you don't make a big deal about it, but gently guide your child into telling the truth s/he will get over this phase of development much sooner.

Answer 5

First you must make it feel safe for your child to tell you the truth. If he is made to feel bad then he won't be honest. Explain to him that from now on if he tells you the truth that he won't be in trouble, but if you find anything out from another source before he tells you, then there will be ramifications(usually loss of a privilege works great). Then you must not fail him when he tells you the truth. I know it's hard to stay calm if he does something bad and tells you, but it's a lot better to have that than to raise a child who will be deceptive to you. Also know, that just because he'll feel like he has to tell you if he does something bad, is a surprising deterent of bad behavior. Kids are much less likely to misbehave when they know they're better off fessing than not.
Good luck. It's really lovely that you're seeking suggestions regarding his character development. You must be a wonderful mom.

Answer 6

Well if he's afraid of getting "in trouble" for whatever he actually did...let him know that lying is just as bad an offense...

If Stealing = Spanking
AND
Lying = Spanking + Grounding

Then it doesn't make sense to lie does it?

If the punishment is going to be just as bad or worse for lying as for the original crime, why would he lie?

Not only that...but if when he does fess up from the get go...reward him for being honest but explain to him that he's still going to be punished for the original crime...or you can let him off the hook if it's something silly...just as a reward for being honest...that might get it through his head that honesty is the best policy..

Answer 7

Well, I am hoping that you discipline your child for misbehaving. What I do to my sons (5 and 6) is let them know that if they are caught lying, whatever discipline they were going to get will be twice as bad. For instance, if no T.V. for one day, if they lie it will be for 2. Double whatever punishment they were going to get. This usually gets their attention. (Especially if the misbehavior warrants a spanking!)

Answer 8

I consider twinkies. I lied approximately hw alot as a newborn, yet my mothers and dads under no circumstances have been in contact in my preparation, and that i think of in the event that they were extra adamant approximately my college paintings, i might have executed plenty extra useful. i could be on right of the entire project for as long because it takes. it is going to be no longer common paintings, yet you will could check along with her instructors (no longer in straightforward terms the single, yet all of them) and get on a regular basis assignments from them the two over the telephone or individually. See if the college has an internet site the place they placed up assignments. If no longer, seek advice from the critical approximately getting one. maximum faculties in recent times have this, and that's an remarkable source for oldsters! if your newborn leaves a e book in school, see how early you will get there for her to get it and end the duty earlier classification starts. the only advantageous thank you to be responsive to the way properly a newborn is doing in school is to be friends with the teachers and different college group. you would be able to think of you're busy with paintings and different issues yet once you prioritize your loved ones above paintings, then that's a intense project that needs to take priority over your paintings. So locate time for it. additionally, if she is mendacity approximately college, that's in straightforward terms a remember of time earlier she starts mendacity approximately different issues. the only thank you to be responsive to incredibly to be there. it is to no longer say be a tyrant, yet be a chum with out crossing the line out of parenthood. Being a tyrant will in straightforward terms breed contempt and extra lies. i be responsive to all of this from adventure.......on the two ends. good luck to you!

Answer 9

I had the same experience with my daughter when she was 4.I aked a psycologist and she introduced me series of books related to children problem.As they were translated in my language I am sure you can find the English version in your book stores.(The titles are : Telling lies,The second children,Clever children, . . .)In the book it was said that do not tell your child that she is telling lies but act like this :
Child : a man from the planet mars was here.
Mom: You mean you like to see other planets?It is interesting.

BTW,do not punish her/him as it is normal and most children do that.
On the other hand I bought some story books for my daughter about telling lies and by reading them for her ,indirectly showed her that telling lies is not good and we will be like the "Liar Shepherd " in his story.
There is a good story book written by "Madona"(The famous singer) about telling lies.It is wonderfull. " The apples of Mr. . .)I can't remember the name of the teacher who owned the apples.

Answer 10

you should first sit him down and ask him why he is lying, if that doesn't work you have three choices: 1.) Tell him you are going for ice cream and when he gets ready deny you ever said it to give him a taste of his own medicine. 2.) You could punish him, like no toys or outside play or whatever. 3.) You could spank him.

The choice is yours.

Answer 11

Set a trap. Have the cops haul his butt off to jail for a day. Beat him senseless(J/K) every time he fibs. If talking to him about the reason he shouldn't don't work then maybe do what i do. My children get in a lot more trouble if they don't tell me the truth and i find out then if they just fess up.