How do I get my mother to back off?

Question

I'm 19 and my mom is controlling. She won't let me do things I want to do and claims she's just trying to protect me. She tends to yell and cuss at me a lot. She says the more she yells the more she loves me. She also tells me my feelings are wrong just because she doesn't understand them. She raised me to always believe what she says is right and now that I'm trying break away she gets really mad and saying all this stuff about family and that family always needs to stick together. She also likes to tease and mock me if I cry to her about something and laughed when I was upset that my dad called me fat. She's called me a manipulative brat and told other people that I am when I tell them what she's done or how she says things. She thinks I should tell her everthing and doesn't like me talking about my problems with people she doesn't "approve" of. I really just want to move away but I really think she would track me down if I did.

I can't just move away right now. I'm in school and she threatens to stop paying if I move out and I can't pay for school on my own yet.

I haven't done anything to make her this way. All I've done was to try to do things on my own and she says ok and then changes her mind about it being ok when it gets closer to what I want to do

Answer 1

Hmmmm. I agree with K. It's hard to give good advice in a case like this without having the opportunity to see the two of you interact. But, generally speaking, I agree with those who say you're old enough to be on your own -- if you're strong enough to do it. I've seen what can happen with a truly dominant and controlling parent, and it ain't pretty. So looking at this entirely from your perspective, I'd say the answer for you might be to get out -- truly out. If you do it, make it quick and clean and stick to it. If you don't make enough money to support yourself alone, you might consider roommates. Yes, family is important, but so are friends. They should be people you know, trust and feel comfortable with. They could offer you moral support as well as sharing expenses. If you can do it in another city, that's even better. If you're not in college, maybe you have friends who already live off campus in another town that you could join up with. Either way, you're not going to be free until you make yourself free. But make good plans before you break away. You don't want any unexpected expenses or surprises when you cut yourself loose. Always ask yourself, "What would I do if my roommates get married and suddenly leave me alone?" You don't want to find yourself alone and responsible for a lease you can't handle, for example. Be certain that you can do it before you try. You can't count on any help from your parents from this point on, and you'll never live it down if you have to move back home. You must be financially and emotionally independent, and you'll need health insurance in case you get really sick. If all this sounds scary, well, it is. And maybe you're not ready yet. There might be no turning back. You'll still young and you have time yet to really think it through. Good luck with whatever you decide.

Answer 2

since i am a mother of a 21 year old daughter and a 19 year old son, i can give you a little insight on how mother feels and thinks.

first of all, from experience, you and your mother have a different version of this story. i know because i have BEEN a 19 year old daughter and i have HAD a 19 year old daughter.

SHE IS SCARED !!!! you don't have any idea how it feels when
your kids are getting to the age that you feel like they don't neeed anymore. you will always need your mother, that never stops at any age. you think it would make her be nice, but it makes her mad that you can do things on your own even though that is what we have been teaching you guys to do all along.

i also know, because i was 19 once, that girls can add drama to a simple comment. i used to do it on purpose.

since i don't know you or your friends and the people you hang out with and the things that you do and the places that you go , it would be impossible for anyone to understand the relationship you have with your parents and the possible reasons for your mother to react this way. ususally there is a reason, maybe you disobeyed her rules or didn't respect her wishes.



i am not saying she doesn't treat you the way you are telling it. i don't know the age difference in you and your mother but it makes a difference. i was 18 when i got married and 19 when i had my daughter so being a young mom helped me out alot. i understood how she felt about things. but it didn't change the fact that she made mistakes and bad choices , and most of them where simply because she refused to listen to me, but that is how you learn.

your mother shouldn't put you down, that is wrong! she should never make fun of you when you are crying and calling you fat is probably the worst of all.

as far as a muniplative brat, she should have left the word brat off. All girls are munipulative, all of us are. we do and say what we have to to get our way.

as far as moving out, that might be a good idea. first you have to heal things with your mom. maybe, if you are working, you could save up the money and just move somewhere close, maybe just about 2 miles from home.

YOU NEED TO SIT DOWN WITH YOUR MOM AND CALMLY TELL HER THE WAY SHE TREATS YOU IS HURTFUL. you have to stay calm, let her know that the things she says really hurts you and that you want to change things. you will have to take resposibility for your own actions. come up with ways that you both can improve the relationship.

i hope you can work things out, the relationship between mother and daughter is so important and it feels great to have someone so close to you.
i will pray for you. aslo remember that she has kept you alive and safe for 19 years, she must be doing something right.

Answer 3

Hard to give an answer to this based on one side of the matter.

First, what have you been doing, if anything, that she feels the need to "control" you?

Second, if you are 19, yes you are an adult, but your mom is always going to be there.

At 19, my mom and I did not see eye to eye. I think everyone goes through it at some point. But she'll always be there, and I wouldn't trade my mom for anything.

Perhaps she is only trying to protect you the best she knows how. Maybe she is more scared of losing you (since she feels you'll be moving out soon). Sometimes, when people are afraid of losing something, they push it further away. Maybe this is a way to make it easier to see you grow up.

This will pass. Just try to talk to her. Tell her how you feel. Try to see each other's sides of this. That is all you can do.

Answer 4

Although this is very stressful for you and your mom, it is actually a very normal teen/parent situation and it will pass.

Your mom does love you. For all your life it has been her job to nurture you and keep you safe. Now you are growing away from her and her fear of the bad things that might happen to you is stronger than her respect for your choices.

And she's not perfect so she does say unkind things when she's angry, like we all do.

At some stage you will need to leave home so you should start planning and saving for that now. Do you want to go to college or share a flat with co-workers?

In the meantime, try and strike a balance with your mom, like the two adults you are. While you live under her roof you should respect her rules but she should also respect your need for privacy and to do your own thing. For example, if it is important to her that you have a family meal on Sundays, then do that, but say that you will do your own thing on Friday & Saturday nights. If she is worried about your safety then arrange to call or text her when you are out. That's not just something kids do, it makes sense for women's safety.

Your mom is most likely to back off if she sees that you are being sensible and treating her with respect. Treat people the way you want them to treat you...

Answer 5

That is what kids do...they grow up and move away from their parents.. Usually after high school and at age 18... You need to be out on your own working and taking classes on the side. Or else just in college and enjoying the whole college experience. enjoying your life... I don't know why she is trying to keep you as a baby.. My daughter is age 17 and I am preparing her to go out into the world. That is my job and responsibility as a parent. Not to make her feel guilty. Your mom is way out of line here and acting very immature... Tell her you are old enough now to take up a weapon and be in Iraq if you want to and she can't do a thing about it.. Its your life.. Move on but stay in touch with her.. Write letters, email and call but move on

Answer 6

You are very lucky that you are aware of the controlling ways of your mother at an early age. You do need to move out or put your foot down. You are old enough to make your own decisions. And if you do chose to move, you can give your mother your address, it would be YOUR home not hers, she would have no right to say anything about what you do there.

As for the way she speaks to you, she takes it over the top. Its called demeaning and hurtful, not love. No mother would laugh at there child when they cry. She seems very insecure and is afraid to lose you so she holds on to tight. Break Free!!!

Answer 7

Maybe you should move away but just out of her house if you are still living there. It's hard to have a parent like that because i have one. My mom is the same way. It has gotten alot better since i moved out and we talk more as friends now and she knows that she can't controll me because i'm living on my own and paying my own bills. Don't worry things will get better.

Answer 8

It's a difficult one, but you are 19, I have 2 girls, grown up now but can see where your mum is coming from, she is scared to let go. I brought my girls up to be independent, to work hard at school and get a good job and be independent, giving them freedom to choose what they wanted to do. When it was time for my daughter to leave for university it was like someone giving the final'cut' to the umbilical chord, the same when my 2nd daughter left, I was so proud though, they were out there doing what I'd urged them to do. I knew they would make mistakes, I knew it wasn't all fun and games, they had to learn that as well, I was here for when things went wrong, they are in their 30's now and they are still living life and learning and I am still here as back up. I love and trust them and they give me the same in return. Show your mum this and start talking.

Answer 9

Dude she sounds way controlling and manipulative. and that is VERBAL/EMOTIONAL ABUSE she is putting you through. You are a human being and no matter what you do she doesn't need to treat you like that. (and you don't need to treat her that way either, but she has set a REALLY BAD example for you).

Get a job, find some friend, or even random people you can trust to be responsible and move out and be roommates with them.
You are an adult and any way you perceive anything is the right way for you. She needs to respect you.

Answer 10

Your only 19 yet, when I was 19 I had the same problem I felt my mum very controling and found that she would'nt allow me to do anything or go anywhere. I saw her as a control freak and I feared her a great deal. Today its a different story she is ill and I care for her, and I only wish that she could be her old self again. Strong cabable and there for me. Because she was only then I didn't see it. So enjoy your mum while you can and be greatful she is around for you because she is. Because I promise you when you get older you will see, remember my words take care now.