should i make contact with my mother?

Question

i know you only ever have one mother but my mom has never been there for me throughout my life (i'm 34 now). She left my dad when i was 11 for another man, taking my siblings and me with her. after 3 months, we were sent back to my dad and she moved in with this guy. to me, i saw it that she had to chose between he b/f or us and chose him! She has continued to put her partners before her children ever since. One example, my sister found it unbearable at home, sought refuge with my mom but she wouldnt upset her relationship and placed her with strangers!
i walked out on my husband and kids last year cos he was violent towards me but not the kids. my mom was the only one i confided in about the violence yet 2 weeks after i left, she visited him and i know it wasnt to see the kids cos she never had anything to do with them before! my dad has been there for me, i havent spoken to my mom for 20 months and feel i'd be betraying my dad by getting in touch with her again

Answer 1

First of all, you are not betraying your dad by wanting to rekindle a relationship with your mom. There's nothing abnormal about that, and no matter how hurt you feel by your mom's conduct in the past, you will always have a soft spot and yearning to have her as a part of your life, no matter how small or impossible that part may seem. Your dad may not approve of your getting involved with her because he doesn't want to see you get hurt again, but not because he's jealous of your attention. I'm sure he understands that you will always love him for being there for you, and that no matter how close you ever get to your mom, you will always be most fond of him.

I was lucky enough to grow up in a large, nuclear family, which seems to be a rarer and rarer occurance, and one that my son won't have the luxery of. But, my ex-husband has two sisters -- one who has four boys and one who has four girls. The one who has the four girls abandoned them, and the other sister took them all in. The girls' mother disappears for months on end, makes promises to take them back or just to visit, and always goes back on her word. When she does take them, she lets her boyfriends abuse them physically, emotional and sexually and she and her boyfriends do drugs in front of them. She steals their money, takes away their toys and other personal possessions, and forbids them from joining any activities that might interfere on the off chance she up and decides she might want to spend time with them that day. Then she dumps them back, more screwed up than when she picked them up. We've tried to get her custody revoked, but Missouri has a high standard of what constitutes an unfit parent. She doesn't want them, but she won't sign her rights over to her sister so that she has something to hold over the rest of the family's heads when she wants something. Everyone of those kids say they hate her and that she's not a real mom, but when push comes to shove, everytime their mom makes a new promise they all get their hopes up and are willing to give her another chance.

Your mom was very immature and inconsiderate of you growing up, but you are grown up now. Hopeful, she's changed. It sounds like she might be trying to partially make up for being a lousy mother when you were growing up, but you won't know if she's worth another chance or not unless you give it to her. If she died tomorrow, would you resent not having given her the chance? That's probably the standard I'd go by, since the only person you're responsible to in this matter is yourself. If she lets you down, you're not out anything by time and a headache. If she has changed, then you'll find yourself with a new friend and maybe fill that hole you've had forever. It's your choice.

Answer 2

Boy, do you need some counceling. First....Why did you leave your kids??? You did what your mother did---dump the kids. Why are you bothering with her? She isn't going to help you and you already know this. Your husband is violent? Get him the hell away from you and your kids. Get you kids, go to a homeless shelter if you have to. They will help you. Report him to the police and get a restraining order against him. Go to the welfare dept. and find out what resources they can help you with. You may already have lost custody of your kids because you actually abandoned them. Your father should not be a consideration regarding your mother. I feel bad that you have such a disfunctional family, but try to get your kids back and make a life. It will take hard work and sacrifices unless you are not willing to give up your needs for your childrens. Good luck.

Answer 3

First of all I would get your kids from your abusive husband. Just because he wasn't violent to them when you were in the home doesn't mean that he isn't violent to them now since he doesn't have you to take out his aggression on.

Then I would talk to your father because he has always been there for you and can help you like he always has. Your mother just seems to stir up problems and doesn't really help out. I wouldn't however not be in contact with her because no matter what she is your mother and if your dad loves you as much as it seem then he will understand that you want a relationship with your mother as well and he won't be hurt by it. He will understand that you want to confide in her and have a relationship with her as well.

Good Luck!

Answer 4

It's all up to you. But sometimes enough is enough right? Even the person is your mother. Worst of all she is not reliable when you need her the most. Better have a talk with her before you make any decision. Tell her how you feel about her attitude. If she still behave in the same old way, I would like to say " give up on her as she is hopeless".

Answer 5

I have a similar issue and I felt exactly the same about betraying my mum (my issue is my father)
i think you need to think about why you are asking yourself and us the question? Is it because you feel you should as its your mum or you have a genuine interest? You obviously have reservations re your mum and rightly so, those issues are not just going to be swept under the carpet. I decided thatmy father had not made that much of a contribution to my life and decided to cut all ties. I do not feel as though i have lost out at all. Its a matter for you hun. x

Answer 6

i think you should if only 2 ask why she treated u this way u deserve aome anwsers from her she owes u that she brought u into this world so she should give a reason 4 treating u and ur siblings that way choosing a man over her own flesh and blood she will no why only her at least u will no 1 way or another why and be able 2 move forward with ur life

Answer 7

Its really hard for your mum aswell,have you ever spoken to her about why she left and how she felt.you can still have both parents ,your dad would understand and your children would have a gran.why did you not take the kids with you,ask yourself ,why are you on here asking strangers. what is in your heart is your answer

Answer 8

Speak to your Dad you might find that nothing would please him more , ask yourself this , if you got a phone call in the morning telling you she was dead would you regret not contacting her sooner .
Things can't be changed but your both to old to make an issue out of the past , if your 34 then she would probably welcome the idea that someone might care about her when she's old , the fact you can contact her tells me she never completely abandoned you . I hope it works out good luck .

Answer 9

You are doing the same thing. You left your kids and now seem more concerned about your love life than getting them back. Selfish, irresponsible and a bit of a liar. Horrible!

Answer 10

Just get in contact with your mum. Just to find out why she did all this stuff to you. You just might even understand where she is comming from and then forgive her, then maybe not but at least you will have peace of mind in your self. We don't know why people do certain things but when you look at things with a open mind then maybe we can understand why good luck.