does anybody know anygood irish jokes?

Answer 1

why dont they have ice cubes in ireland?
they lost the recipe...

Answer 2

The best Irish joke I heard came from an interview with Pierce Brosnan. During a movie shoot he visited a bar. As he sat there with his beer an Irishman approached him and asked
"You're Pierce Brosnan, right?"
"Yes I am" the former James Bond answered
"Well then I just got to shake your hand!"
After they shake hands the Irishman looked at his hand and said
"This is a close to Halle Berry's *** I'll ever get"

Answer 3

Not so much a "joke" but a couple of little limericks for you..(well Limerick IS in Ireland!)

An old man who came from Kildare
had an evil and terrible stare,
he thought it a joke
to frighten the folk,
but they were to busy to care!

There was a young lady from Cork,
whose head resembled a hawk,
they called her, I heard,
"a bit of a bird"
though her legs were like succulent pork!

Answer 4

Irishman 1;Ah Paddy, take a look at that forest over ther, isn't it beautiful?
Irishman 2;Sorry Murphy,I can't see it . There's all them trees in the way!

(No offence if you're Irish by the way)

Answer 5

Irishmen in an Aussie bar
A man walked into a Melbourne bar and ordered a pint of the dark liquid.

'Excuse me,' said the only other drinker. 'Is that an Irish accent I detect?'

'It is, sir. Dublin to be exact.'

'Bless my soul,' said the first. 'I'm a Dublin man meself. Ballymun to be precise.'

'Bedad, aren't I from Ballymun meself - Carberry Street in actual fact,' remarked the second.

'Carberry Street is where I was born and raised meself, and St Joseph's was me parish church, Father Dunne the parish priest.'

'Didn't I go to nine o'clock mass every Sunday at St Joseph's. What an amazingly small world. Did you go to St Joseph's School?'

'I did. I was in Miss Slattery's class.'

'God in heaven. So was I.'

Just then the phone rang and the Aussie barman said, 'Not too busy at the moment. In fact there's just the Murphy twins here.'

Answer 6

An Irish man walks into a pub. The bartender asks him, "what'll you have?"
The man says, "Give me three pints of Guinness please."
So the bartender brings him three pints and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third until they're gone. He then orders three more.
The bartender says, "Sir, I know you like them cold. You don't have to order three at a time. I can keep an eye on it and when you get low I'll bring you a fresh cold one."
The man says, "You don't understand. I have two brothers, one in Australia and one in the States. We made a vow to each other that every Saturday night we'd still drink together. So right now, my brothers have three Guinness Stouts too, and we're drinking together.
The bartender thought that was a wonderful tradition.
Every week the man came in and ordered three beers. Then one week he came in and ordered only two. He drank them and then ordered two more.
The bartender said to him, "I know what your tradition is, and I'd just like to say that I'm sorry that one of your brothers died."
The man said, "Oh, me brothers are fine----I just quit drinking."


One day an Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walked into a pub together. They each bought a pint of Guinness. Just as they were about to enjoy their creamy beverage, three flies landed in each of their pints, and were stuck in the thick head. The Englishman pushed his beer away in disgust. The Scotsman fished the fly out of his beer, and continued drinking it, as if nothing had happened. The Irishman, too, picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over the beer, and started yelling, "SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT YOU BAST*RD!!!!"


Two Irish lads had been out shacking up with their girl friends. One felt guilty and decided he should stop at the church and confess. He went into the confession booth and told the Father, "Father, I have sinned. I have committed fornication with a lady. Please forgive me." The Father said, "Tell me who the lady was." The lad said he couldn't do that and the Father said he couldn't grant him forgiveness unless he did.
"Was it Mollie O'Grady ?" asked the Father."
"No."
"Was it Rosie Kelly?"
"No."
"Was it that red-headed wench Tessie O'Malley?"
"No."
"Well then," said the Father, "You'll not be forgiven."

When the lad met his friend outside the friend asked, "So, did you find forgiveness." "No," said the other, "but I picked up three good prospects!"


Seamus O Brien had been hailed the most intelligent Irish man for three years running. He had topped such shows as Larry Gogans 'Just a Minute Quiz' and 'Quicksilver' (before Bunny Carrs demise). It was suggested by the Irish Mensa board that he should enter into the English Mastermind Championships. He Did, and won a place. On they evening of the competition, Seamus enters from the crowd and placed himself on the Leather Seat and made himself comfortable. The lights dimmed and a spot light pointed at his face.

Magnus said "Seamus, What Subject are you studying?." Seamus responded, "Irish History". Very well said Magnus, Your first Question,

"In what year did the 'Easter Rising take Place?'

Seamus responds .."Pass"

OK said Magnus, "Who was the Leader of the Easter Rising?",

Seamus Responds .."Pass"

OK said Magnus, How long did the Easter Rising Last?"

Seamus Responds.. "Pass"

Instantly, a voice shout from the Crowd, "Good Man Seamus....Tell the English Nothing...."

Answer 7

no because I'm Irish and that kind of joke isn't funny. get a life and pick on someone else, like chavs, for example.

Answer 8

Shamus O'Malley was sitting in the pub with his son.
He takes a swig of his Guiness points out the window and says to his son;
Son you see the courthouse down the street, I built that courthouse with me own 2 hands but do they call me "Shamus the Courthouse Builder"- no son they do not. Sets down his mug.
Once again he turns to his son takes a swig of Guiness and says;
Son look across the street there and the church, I built that church with me own 2 hands but do they call me :"Shamus the Church Builder"- no son they do not. Sets down his mug.
Shamus takes a third swig of his Guiness turns to his son and says;
Son take a look at this bar and feel its craftmanship, it is truely a work of art but do they call me "Shamus the Bar Builder"- no son they do not. He slams down his mug of Guiness!
BUT YOU SCREW ONE STINKIN' GOAT AND THEY LABEL YOU FOR LIFE!

Answer 9

Three Englishmen were in a bar and spotted an Irishman. So, one of the Englishmen walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder, and said, "Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was a drunken loser."

"Oh really, hmm, didn't know that."

Puzzled, the Englishman walked back to his buddies. "I told him St. Patrick was a loser, and he didn't care." The second Englishman remarked, "You just don't know how to set him off...watch and learn." So, the second Englishman walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder and said, "Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was lying, cheating, idiotic, low-life scum!"

"Oh really, hmm, didn't know that."

Shocked beyond belief, the Englishman went back to his buddies. "You're right. He's unshakable!"

The third Englishman remarked, "Boys, I'll really tick him off... just watch." So the third Englishman walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder and said, "I hear St. Patrick was an Englishman!"

"Yeah, that's what your buddies were trying to tell me."

Answer 10

Why are Irish jokes so stupid?.. So other people can understand them!!!