Is 2 weekends per month enough for a 4 year old to spend with his Dad?

Question

My son is literally crying (and breaking my heart) about missing his Dad when he comes home every other weekend. Our son is dearly loved by both of us, despite the fact that we are not married.

I am considering proposing to my ex that our son sees him for 3 days a week, every week, since our son is not in school yet, and adjusting his pre-school of 3 days per week to stay in the middle of the week and stay consistent. I will also make a deal with him on child support (Because we already have a deal that allows HIM to pay less since, honestly, that keeps him less hostile at times). I know it's wrong, but my if his Dad is happier, I'll deal with it.

I am looking for honest opinions here. Thanks.

Answer 1

I'm a dad to a 20-month-old girl. There is a slight possibility that your son may be crying because he believes that he won't see Dad again; if so, don't forget to reassure him that Dad will be back in the picture in just a few days. But I think the real problem is that Dad is the "less available" parent. You probably aren't a bad parent yourself, but your child is likely to want what he can't have as often -- it's just human nature (my girl misses me a good bit when I'm at work each weekday, and *her* parents live together!). Your son's crying is not necessarily an objective sign that he's spending too little time with Dad.

Still, I really, really like your idea of sharing time, if only as a way of bending to circumstances. If your son winds up spending more "quantity" time with Dad as a result, he'll probably get a more realistic picture of who Dad really is, and he might even stop taking you for granted as much and look forward to *your* times if he sees *you* less. You can't easily undo the divorce, but you can help your child going forward.

On the other hand, if you do try to make a deal on child support, make sure your divorce court knows about it and cuts an equitable deal under the circumstances. Maybe the splitting of time will warrant a drop in child support paid to you, but might also warrant Dad's assuming some childcare bills he wasn't taking on before. I would definitely consult your lawyer about this if you think you might go this route.

Here is a board for divorced parents of little ones:

http://boards.babycenter.com/n/pfx/forum.aspx?webtag=bcus10517

Answer 2

I am a dad that went through just what you are talking about. My ex wife and I divorced when my son was 3. I got him ever Wed and Thurs. nights from 5 pm to 9:30 pm., and every other weekend. I also got him 4 weeks in the summer. Unlike you, she was not as nice to me or my son. I had to fight and argue to get a spare minute with him, especially if she needed a sitter. She would dish him off to anybody but me. She would call me crying telling me he was crying for me, but then she wouldn't let me come get him.

When he turned 14 he wanted to cut Thursday out so he could hang out with his friends, I agreed since he was getting older and I know friends are important. He is now 16 and working part time so I see him even less. I have never felt like I have known him very well. Plus, I have always been able to tell he had stress of knowing mom and dad don't like each other.

Follow the lead give by your son, if he wants to spend more time with dad, then let him. What have you got to lose? Hopefully your son will grow up better adjusted and knowing that BOTH his parents love him very very much.

Answer 3

This makes you an excellent mom. You are what every mom would look up to if the case arises that you can not be married, or with your ex. Thank you for that. But as far as my opinion. Most child support arraignments are average. The visitation is every other weekend and two nights (meaning about 4 hours, not overnight) a week. But it really depends on your living arrangements. How far away do you live from each other? Just make sure it does not seam to the child like none of the parents want him. My sister in law's sister was doing every other night and the poor kid did not know where he really lived. So you need to be careful. If you live in the same area I would suggest visits during the week. Not sleepovers.

good luck!!

Answer 4

NO! I was divorced when our son was 5. I spent every other weekend and two days in the week with him. Then he was 11 his mother moved about an hour away. This was very trying at times to see my son. I would pick him up at school, feed him and help him with his home work ( Not much help at times a lot of things have changed from when I was in school). This went on for two years the every other weekend / two evenings a week. His sports took us to some towns that I had never heard of, This was a time that was very dear to both of us. (My son and I) We spent a lot of time in the truck going place to place. In bad weather we spent the time close to his mothers town, due to the fact I did not want him in any danger of the bad roads. His mother does not do well on bad roads. (nothing wrong with that just the truth). This past summer we went back to court for a change of custody. Not pretty but our son wanted more from his schooling than he could get from in the school district he was in. This was the feelings of his grade school teachers also. He does greeat in school but would not challanged there. Now our son lives with my wife and I. He started High School here and all is going well. We still go to different places just to do things. Now that he is in High School I can't help him with homework but I know he still loves me anyway. Long story short if the relationship is good between them let them spend as much time as possible together. They only stay little for a short time, Cherish it. It will be gone before you know it and then ????

Answer 5

My son's father and I are still very good friends. We just function better together when we're apart. Our son also 4 is very close to his dad, but he works ALOT. We try to do sleep overs once or twice a week, when he has a day or two off from work. If we can't do that then he comes over and hangs out for a little while before or after work but he still sees his dad anywhere from once to three times a week. He calls him everyday though. Just to hear his voice on the phone is comforting to our son. It's definitely worth talking to your sons dad about. It's something that he should be concerned with as well.

Answer 6

wow can i relate ,,, my dad and mother are still married HOWEVER as a child my dad lived 4hrs away in a different city and i stayed with my mom sooo for some reasons which i never understood growing up ( i later learned he was having affairs and cheating on my mother ) but at the time they were both teachers so why couldnt they teach at the same school , my dad would only see me and my sister and my mother every other weekend then it was a weekend a month an then whenever he showed up ,, eventually i figured it out around the age of 12 -13 ... too this day i know who my father is in name and a face but what he likes what he is about i have no clue we never made that bond that is so crucial ya know we were never friends he was the person who showed up with presents but never was involved in teaching me how to be a man ..........it 's sad really ...the one thing i can say he taught me is how to be a father he did everything i wont ............... so mayb one day we'll be close, i hope.......?

Answer 7

If your relationship is strong between you and your ex and he is of responsible nature only then it would sound like a good compromise. I applaud your compromise regarding child support something most woman would not consider. However, I am feeling that you did this only because you have your son best interest in mind. Personally with what is going on in the world today, I think it is important to have a male figure in a young lads life and one could only hope that your ex feels much the same by nurturing your son in becoming ond day a solid individual. That's my take on it. I wish the three of you the very best in years to come.

Answer 8

I'm going through a divorce and dealing with this stuff too. I would say definitely propose the extra time with his dad, that is, if he is a positive roll model for your son. The worst he could say is no. If he says no, then I would just try and spend as much fun time with my son as possible. Maybe take him to a park, read, watch a movie together....to get his mind off his dad. Try to make his time with you as special and fun as possible, that's all you really can do, unless you think it's so bad that he may need some counseling. Going through this can be hard on the parents, can you imagine for our kids what it must be like?!

Answer 9

Unless the man abuses the kid, by all means INSIST he see your son more. You are a big woman. My husband left me for another woman, doesn't pay support, asks me for $$$ to support his cow but my son loves the piss and sh*t out of him so he sees him every other weekend (dads not that great a guy so most of the influence HAS to come from me).

You are doing the right thing. Your son will know that you are a strong, loving mother who had HIS best interest at heart...good for you!!!!

Answer 10

If the father of your son is a good person, then he needs to be in his life as much as possible. However, I get the feeling he has anger issues. Am I correct? If that is the case, it is questionable if he should have more contact. I the case of reducing the child support, visitation has nothing to do with the money you are getting for the benefit of your son. It is for the benefit of your son and you may not bargain it away. It is in essence your son's money.