How do you handle forced affection with husbands family?

Question

My husband's family hugs and kisses each individual when everyone gets together. My family doesn't do that so it makes me very uncomfortable. I've tried just saying hello but I've actually been pulled aside by my Mother in Law and told to go greet people properly (her parents specifically) because I didn't give them hugs and kisses. How do I explain I'm not comfortable with this forced affection without becoming a pariah?

Answer 1

Oh honey, good luck with that one. Been there done that with my husbands Sicilian family yrs ago.Trying to explain anything to them will be difficult but you can try this. #1 Your husband has to step in in your behalf. You're his wife and he needs to essentially protect you from his mother getting pushy around you.His mother is showing a tremendous lack of respect for you by demanding that you behave according to her specifications.Your husband needs to sit his mother down and set her straight on a few things.Without any back up from him in your behalf she will continue to over step her boundary.You might also put your hand out first to shake family members before they try to step in and squeeze you with a hug.You can also say loudly but with a smile on your face " I'm not big on hugging but I 'd love a nice handshake." You can also tell them that you have flu or a virus . Watch them quickly back off to avoid getting your coodies. Hey good luck. I know it was hard for me to hug and kiss my husbands relatives especially since they were constantly knifing me in the back with their ignorance and gossiping.

Answer 2

Just tell them, why should you have to respect their ways yet they dont' have to respect yours? Talk to your mother in law privately and explain how uncomfortable it makes you.

However, hugs are good. Its sad your family was on the cooler side. I had never really considered this but my best friend is very affectionate and her husband family isn't. Its ruined marraiges and such because the spouses couldn't get them to warm up. Then I heard about hugging classes.....sounds stupid but I knew her husbands family could use them. Hugging is not intimate, yeah it can be....but it generally just affection. I know you'de probably stiffen up if I or on of my employees gave you a hug, but if you were having a bad day.....we'de give you a hug and tell you its gonna be all right.......then when you started crying 'cause you felt how much we cared about a total stranger....we'de hand you a tissue and cry and laugh with you. Then you would feel lifted.

Answer 3

First of all get your husband on your side or you will never hear the end of it.
You didn't say what culture(s) clash here, or how long you have been married. That may have a strong bearing on the situation.

Tell your husband to have a word with his mother. If he does not, or if it has no effect, take HER aside and tell her that you are not being unfriendly, but are behaving politely in the way you were raised. You are happy with it and will not make yourself uncomfortable with that touchy-feely behaviour because then your discomfort will be sensed by the others, who will then think you don't like them.

Answer 4

Dont ever let anyone force you into letting someone into your own personal space unless you want them there! I grew up with not alot of affection such as hugs too and MAN when I married my hubby it was like he was holding a pillow over my face and suffocating me! He ALWAYS touches-cuddles-hugs.....I was NOT use to all of that and it took me YEARS to adapt! Now I love it but then I just was not use to it at all! Tell your hubby how u feel and he should talk to his parents for you. Thats his job-his parents! Or make sure your hands are totally full when the hugging time approaches! Start coughing to keep them away-that always works! Good luck to u You could always eat alot of garlic before the relatives come over- one kiss and they will NEVER ask for another!

Answer 5

I understand that you dont feel good about the situation, but for one second, think about this: If you do go with the flow,.... how would that make your husband's family feel? I am sure they would love you even more for making a small adjustment. Hugging is just an expression of love. It makes you feel welcomed. My family is not like that either, but my husband's family,... well they give some big real hugs. Like they mean it, forget about the cousin hugs. And I love it! It makes me feel loved and welcomed.

Answer 6

I have the same SAME problem with my inlaws. im so terribly uncomforatable. First of all, she was out of line -- and needs to let go of the control. You are an Adult. You do what makes you feel comforatable...if she has a problem with it, talk to her about it -- in a rational adult way. If not, she'll still have to get over it. You don't have to change just because someone else doens't liek the way you "greet them" ... that is COMPLETLY childish on her part. Good Luck -- we should start a club!! haha

Answer 7

Been there, done that!! Since you don't have to live with 'em, just go do it!! It gets easier, believe me. Nice hug and a kiss on the cheek and it's over!! Pick your battles, this isn't one of them!!

Answer 8

Forget what they think you should do, stand your own ground. Tell them there is a 3 foot radius around you that no one is allowed to enter into. If they try, remind them of that radius. Not everyone is a touchy feely person.

Answer 9

just tell her that you were raised differently. my family is the same way and since i was a teen, i stopped the hugging thing.....i dont like that much affection, everyone knows that and everyone understands. stand ya ground.

Answer 10

Just like that. You have to be firm but polite, but tell her how you were raised and how it makes you feel. Try to let her understand that even though that is how they do things you are not.