Would you date someone you were not physically attracted to?

Question

I have this friend that I have known for almost 10 years. We met through work. (no longer work together now) He was a friendly sounding board when I was going through my divorce, and a few relationships after. We kept in touch through emails and have attened a few concerts (over the years), and have had friendly lunches together.

There was a death in his family recently and I guess it made him decide to confess his "feelings" for me in an email. It was very sweet and caring. He is a very kind hearted person. The problem is that I am not physically attracted to him. We have many things in common, and get along well when together. He is a little more introverted than I am.

I have what my mother referrs to as an "A$$hole magnet", and have not made the best choices with men. But I have also learned (with age), not to discount the "Nice Guys". I have told him I would consider giving it a try (slowly). I just don't want to hurt him or ruin a friendship. Help !?!

Answer 1

Hi,
I hope to offer some kind of advice here. I don't know if your experience is going to be similar to mine, but here goes:

When I first met my current fiance...let's just say I had absolutely no physical attraction to him. Then, I was young (age:16) and of course, when you're young you've got raging hormones and you tend to go straight with your physical feelings rather than combining a good balance of mind, heart and body.
He was a skinny little thing at 18 and a tad bit childish for my taste. Furthermore, as an Asian, we're expect socially to stick within our races - this couldn't be said more for girls. He is Mid-Eastern mixed Indian descent, I am of Chinese descent.

Of course, this would bring scandal in our respective countries, but we were studying overseas and well, we didn't feel the social pressure then of being a mixed couple. Not until later, that is.

He was a very friendly, very cheerful guy. Sweet and caring. And not to mention, hilarious. He has this extremely wonderful sense of humour. But I was an insecure little girl with no idea what I wanted in a person (yes, we have those "lists" but do we EVER truly follow them?), and back then I, like most Chinese girls, had this obsession with Japanese pop culture - meaning, being more attracted to the stereotypical Japanese guy. Even though we had no idea that we were attracted to the ideal male model as portrayed in Japanese comics and animation and in their TV series.
We had no idea that most Japanese guys look like crap. :)

Anyway, we started off as friends. He was a great guy to be with. We talked about everything under the sun. We didn't spend 24/7 with one another - we had our own lives, and I was wrapped up in my silly little teenage girl problems to really notice him or his inclination to spend as much time as he could with me.
I sort of felt it, instinctively, I guess. But I didn't really believe it. Sort of like those things you brush aside dismissively.
If he were a set of hotcakes with a smothering body and a handsome face to boot - I might've noticed.
But he was your average joe.

Later, he proposed to me. I was dumbfounded. I thought he just wanted to get into my pants (you won't believe it, but in many Asian countries, boys ask for marriage and have sex with the girl before it, with her thinking they'd get married anyway. Then she gets dumped. Lucky her if she comes from a liberal family. But if she's from a developing/undeveloped Asian country, goodbye to her and her family honour.) and I was really skeptical.
We had this cooling off period for 2 months after we finished our course together and moved on to do our respective degrees.
I thought then, Aha, he's gone because he didn't manage to get into my pants and left for easier prey.

At that time, I sort of had a good think about it.
Maybe I just wasn't being fair. We girls tend to scope around for the "ideal guy" but we tend to almost always equate that ideal guy with immediate physical attraction.
The thing is, I realised, physical attraction need not be the most important thing in the relationship. Just as we're all told and we all know, if everything just happened like fireworks in the first parts of the relationship there'd be nothing left to experience later!

Relationships grow. And we don't realise that, but it takes time for physical attraction to grow too, because for too long we've been fed all kinds of garbage about how the 'ideal male guy' should look like.
Last time our parents might've gone for the poufed up Afro hairdo...because it was the 'in thing' that time. They were fed with crap that the coolest, handsomest guy, besides the rest of him, sported that 'do.
But would you actually say today, that hairstyle is attractive? Not unless you have a particular thing for it.

So...unless you have some repulsion towards this guy. If you do feel it might work, give it a try. You never know, sometimes the ideal guy is that guy who was always there near you, just looking from a distance. But you were too caught up in your life to notice.

By the way, my fiance and I have been together for 4 years already. :)
Good luck.


Jenova

Answer 2

No, I'm not gonna lie. I really couldn't. But when I like a guy, I'm going to be physically attracted to him. So it's not a problem. For like a year before I started liking my current boyfriend, I thought he was really ugly. And then I started liking him for some unknown reason, and I started to think he's cute. And now I've been with him for over 2 years and all I can say is that I think he's beautiful. Gorgeous. He's not really attractive by normal standards, and I know plenty of guys who are more attractive, but I'd much rather see him than any of them.

Answer 3

sometimes the best relationships begin as friends. I don't think a physical attraction is necessary in the beginning if the person in question, has all the other right attributes. Through getting to know someone slowly learning more about them, feelings grow. After a while, you may find all the right components for a lasting relationship, and love develops. Once this happens, funny as it may seem, you will find yourself drawn to this person physically and emotionally. Just go slow, he sounds like someone with a lot of understanding. There is no hurry, take your time. Good luck.

Answer 4

Let's face it, physical attraction is important. You can not make a relationship work simply because it sounds like the right thing to do. It already sounds like you know that it's not. But, dating someone who is a nice guy even though you are not attracted to him is not always a bad idea. You may develope an attraction, or at the least discover what a woman is supposed to be treated like. However, throw in the friend thing, and I would stop. You don't want to ruin a friendship over a relationship you know is not heading anywhere.

Answer 5

I think you should you may find out that you really do like him.
Maybe you are not physically attracted to him b/c you have viewed him as a friend only. Look at it from a different point of view and see how it goes.
You do need some attraction to a person if you want a physical realtionship in the future.
Good Luck and have fun.

Answer 6

Honestly there must be some type of physical attraction to like some one but I would spend a little more time with him. This can possibly lead for you to get used to him and be attracted to him. But if in time you still feel nothing, don't push yourself anymore. Let him know how you feel. Don't worry I think we all make bad choices in men sometimes.

Answer 7

I have when I was young and now I have been married to him for 30 years. He is still the nicest man I have ever met. I was not physically attracted to him at the beginning and I am still not too much being honest here. But sex is great. WOW, anyways I was the one that asked him to marry me. Believe we have gone through a lot and done things I shouldn't have but because he is who he is, he has forgiven me. My first husband was gorgeous but a bad, bad, man. I think that is why i went towards my husband now. I hoped I helped you decide with my story....good luck.

Answer 8

if i can't imagine myself hugging and kissing him, then no. i'd want to be in a relationship where i would feel physically comfortable with him. i think its possible though, to grow more physcially attracted to someone (even if the other person didn't change physically).

tell him that you see him as an awesome friend and that you want to be there for him in this difficult time as one. i've had friends who "gave it a try" to relationships with guys that they weren't interested. they also did it because they didn't want to hurt them, and most of these situations came out horribily, where the guy was even more hurt when it didn't work out, and the friendship was totally ruined.

Answer 9

No. Because if I did that, I might as well date a guy with a very good personality. I'm not attracted to men, and I'm not attracted to unattractive women. I don't think people should be forced to be with someone they feel naturally repulsed to even kiss.

Those who say thats being shallow, is saying that if you aren't bisexual, then your shallow. You can't help your genetics and what you find naturally attractive. I love pretty girls, you love attractive guys. Don't get involved with a guy who you know you'll hurt because you don't find him attractive.

Answer 10

Well they say you marry your best friend, I knew many woman that passed me by for the ******, that is their character not mine. Just because someone doesn't care I.E. ******, wait that is it you picked people who didn't care about you that is why you have so many *******.

This guy is likely the bestthing that could happen to you but if you abuse him he will break, true love is blind and where you have been abused if you abuse him he will have a nervious breakdown.