What should I do? I feel like I'm slowly dying inside...?

Question

I am very much in love with someone and have been for 5 yrs...we dated for 3 1/2 yrs. and then he broke up with me for someone else....since then he has broken up with her and we have resumed a "friendship"....we are the best of friends and he says he loves me but only as a "friend"....well now...the old girlfriend is trying to get back in again and I know that he really cares for her....he has been talking to her again and I know it's only a matter of time before they might possibly get back together or that he might even meet someone new for that matter. We have so much fun together and I love him more than life itself, I would do anything for him. I can't bear to lose him again....I'm thinking irrationally and I just want to end this misery I have inside of me....I can't make it go away....I can't stop loving him...I've tried to meet other people but no-one in 5 yrs. has even begun to come close....is there anyone out there that is going thru something similar? I feel dead inside

Answer 1

Dear Blue Girl - first of all know that you are not alone in your suffering, emotional pain of every conceivable hue is part of the human lot; all of these people who've answered are showing you that your pain matters to them, that you are valued. I think that all of us listeners can see from what you've written that your friend loves you as a friend but is not romantically in love with you. This is what he has said to you himself. The fact that he has not shown any commitment to you and tends to rely on you for companionship when he is not in a relationship also shows that he just does not love you in the same way you love him. He does not mean to be cruel but he is using you for emotional support only when he needs it and probably will always do so as long as this situation persists - and this is causing you long-term heartache. I know how painful this situation is ... but you can only begin to feel better when you accept what IS rather than constantly wish that the situation were different. There is nothing more futile and damaging than to resist the reality we see before us. Work with the reality ... the harsh fact is that we cannot always have something just because we want it. Remember also that the fact that he does not see you in the way you would wish is no slight on yourself ... everyone is simply different in what they want; there are countless other people who will be disposed to be in love with you and not just love you as a friend. When you do accept what is you can begin to grieve for the loss of your dream; as long as you deny what is, your pain can only grow. Be happy that this person does indeed love you as a friend - that is a great deal in itself, not what you want but still something to treasure. Some people have indicated that you should just cut all ties with this guy in order to move on. I'm not so sure that that is necessary; you do however need to cut the emotional tie which will certainly mean seeing much less of him as you slowly, slowly move into uncharted waters with other people. I would also recommend two books. Howard M Halpern: How to Break Your Addiction to a Person, is great for understanding how to deal with such frustrating loves and for coming to terms with your own feelings. Harold H Bloomfield et al: How to Survive the Loss of a Love, is great for doing just that - in your case the loss of your dream of romantic love with this man. When you do begin to face your loss, remember these words from the latter book: When an emotional injury takes place, the body begins a process as natural as the healing of a physical wound. Let the process happen. Trust the process. Surrender to it. ........ many, many hugs for you.

Answer 2

I think that in your best interest you should break it off entirely with this man. I understand that seems a bit harsh, but you are having a hard time just being friends and it seems a little like he's always looking for you to fallback on until the next best thing comes along. You will never be able to heal with him in your life and although it may be very difficult, you need time and seperation to heal. Move on, find someone else that you can have those feelings for (no it's not impossible) and you will begin to feel better. Good luck, you can do it.

Answer 3

Im goin' thru somethin' similar.Im about to break up with my boyfriend and i still love him.U might wanna take a peep at your self-esteem.I've learned from experience that people with high self esteem can handle a situation like this one better.The best way to mend a broken heart is to laugh.Get out there and have some fun.And b4 u kno it, he will be either forgotten or yesterdays news.You don't have to stop communicating with him unless thats the only way.And u can't hold someone bound who wants to be free.If they come back they're yours.The only thing you're holdin' bound is yourself,bcuz you're stuck in the same spot.And u don't have to love life bcuz its selfish,it doesn't give a damn about your self esteem.Life goes on whether you're movin wit it or not.Always remember but never get stuck in the past.Bottom line: Go have some fun,try somethin new, get out there and mingle.U have to let go if he isn't holdin' on 2 u.It'll hurt awhile but i can promise u that it will get easier.Oh and stay away from those sad love songs.Try somethin upbeat that tells u to move on or somethin' like that.

Answer 4

I think you need to totally cut off all ties with this guy. It is not healthy for you to have him around with the way you feel about him. Totally cut him out of your life and try to keep yourself busy. Before you know it you will meet new people and forget about the old guy. I think it is not a bad idea to see a therapist...maybe he/she could give you some pointers. By the way....I think everyone goes through a really tough break up that broke their hearts...I know it really hurts, but you will make it out of this. Good luck. I'll pray for you!

Answer 5

Please, listen

You are depending on someone else for your happiness.

So if that person isn't around you can't be happy.

So you aren't in love, you are addicted.

My advice to you would be to abandon this person completely. Get him out of your life. Next you need to cheer up. Get a hobby. Take up painting or photography or writing. The idea is that NO ONE CAN MAKE YOU HAPPY - ONLY YOU CAN.

It's unfair to put that kind of pressure on another person.

Also, when he gets back together with this other girl, she's going to want you out of the picture. Get yourself together before this happens.

FP

Answer 6

I can appreciate your situation. He values your friendship, which is why he is hanging out with you. But, this is creating a huge strain on you because you actually love him much more than you have probably admitted to him. What you need is closure. (One way or another.)

Here's my advice... you need to tell him exactly how you feel about him -- pretty much what you have shared with us. Then... leave it there. Give him some time to re-examine his thoughts. If he respects you he will do one of two things. He will realize that he needs to either love you back... or give you some space. Guys don't like things to change much -- we love status quo... which is why if you don't say anything, nothing much will change.

Answer 7

u poor thing.i know what it feels like to love someone so much that no matter what u cant seem to pry yourself away from them.the only thing u can do is realize that its over.that means u must(u must)stop hangin with him.shame on him if he knows how u feel and is still hanging around giving you a false sense of hope that maybe he will b back.even if he said he loves u just as a friend he should realize he's hurting u.run away from as fast as u can.its for the best.good luck

Answer 8

He loves you only as a friend - he said so. It is OVER. If you cant' stand seeing him as a friend, tell him so and say farewell. Tell him not to contact you - ever....if he really "loves" you as a friend he will do this for you. THEN - even if it seems like it will kill you, DO NOT CONTACT HIM AGAIN. You will have to go through a period of grieving, but you will recover. My heart hurts for you, but life is way too short to pine away for an unrequited love that will never be. Been there done that....Good Luck!

Answer 9

Honey, I was living with someone for 3.5 years and engaged to him for 1.5 years. I ended the relationship due to a fight that turned physical and a year later, I started to miss him. We talked and he told me that he "loves me as a friend" but does not see us getting back together. Of course I was devastated but you know what?? A few months later I met a man who changed my world. Listen, don't ruin your life over a man because there are plenty of them out there...you're just not destined meet your true love yet...be patient, work on yourself, and everything will work out in the end. If you ever want to chat, feel free to email me.

Answer 10

The same thing happened to me. I was with someone for 4 years and he cheated on me adn ended up leaving me for her then he would keep coming back to me for sex so after a while i decided that he was always going to keep going back and forth between me and this other girl that i decided to leave. It hurt really bad but you either go through a little hurt right now or a lot later down the line. Good luck.