My 3 1/2 year old knows logically that she needs to go to the potty but she still doesn't?

Question

Today was a bad day she peed in her panties 5 times and pooped 1 time. I try to take her but when she doesn't need to go right then she fights me saying "I don't need to go". Then a few minutes later she will wet her panties. She will be 4 in January and I know she understands. She just started preschool 2 days a week and was so excited I felt that maybe peer pressure would help, but she did it at school. Some background this is my sons daughter we have custody of her and her brother 2 1/2. I know she is angry at her mother so I'm wondering if its her way of controling this situation.

It was started by her mother before I got her and she loves to wear panties. Also Colleen do you have children, just curious? Most kids are potty trained by 3 1/2.

Thanks PastorJ, I do reward her and I don't get upset with her when she has accidents but today it confused me. Usually it's only 1 or 2 times at most.

Answer 1

You are not torturing a child to try and get them potty trained please ingnore the person who said you were. 3 year old children have control over two things in their lives. What they eat and where they go to the bathroom. I have a 3 1/2 year old daughter who is going through the same type of thing. She is happy to pee but usually refuses to poop on the potty. She usually has accidents when my wife is paying more attention to our 1 year old at the moment. So stay the course, reward her for doing well and let her know it's not ok to go in her panties. The family situation can have an influence over it as well. May God bless you as you care for those children.

Answer 2

I found that my son needed to feel in control of things, as he lives with two families part-time - me and his father's - and I thought that maybe he feels that he can't control so much of his life that he would do his best to control the things he could - like refusing to eat dinner, or just being difficult. So I started emphasising all the things that he could control - I would say things like, Now it's tv time, and you can control what you would like to watch (out of three kids' choices). Or, You can control which bedspread you want on your bed, or, You can control which story you want me to read to you. Perhaps make it clear to her that there are things we can control and things we can't, and that adults face that issue as well as kids.

Then, perhaps it's time to get tough with her, because you know she can't keep doing this. I know this sounds awful, but perhaps you could try not changing her clothes from now on when it happens. Explain to her clearly and kindly that from now on, if she wets herself, she stays wet - and that means she can't be picked up, or sit on the sofa, or go out to play if she has wet herself. Tie a little apron around her waist so she can still sit down on the floor. This sounds tough but it would teach her that there are consequences for what she is doing- this is the most logical consequence. Dont use the toilet = have wet clothes and get itchy and uncomfortable. She won't like it, and she will almost certainly make the right decision for herself.

Good luck.

Answer 3

It sounds like she is trying to find ways to feel powerful since she has lost control of things that are going on in her life. Give her lots of extra love and support. Empathize with her. "I can tell you're feeling (angry, upset, sad, mad, frustrated..). How can I help you with that?" Help her to feel powerful by saying things like "You did that by yourself! Look how high you can jump! You used so many colors on you painting!" These are intrinsic rather than extrinsic ("Good job!", stickers, candy) rewards. These phrases will help her to gain confidence and help her to feel powerful.

Don't make a big issue out of it when she soils herself. If you insist, she will resist because it it something in her life that she has control of. Natural consequence will work best with this issue. Make sure she is in clothing that she can easily get on and off by herself. If you see her doing the "potty dance," say to her it looks like you need to use the bathroom. Say nothing more than that. When she has soiled herself say to her "It looks like you need to change." Give it no more attention than that. She can remove her soiled clothing, rinse them out, put them in the laundry, clean herself and any wet area, and put on clean clothing. She will soon learn that this is her issue, she can control it, and that it is much easier to use that bathroom. If she refuses to change, the natural consequence is that she will be uncomfortable and can't sit on anything until she changes. Be patient! Good luck!

Answer 4

Do a lot of encouragement, like you will stroll her outside after she poo or you will give her something but be sure it will be beneficial to her (like books & learning toys), but limit rewards as it will also be her habit to ask for it everytime. Motivate her to go to wash room even if she doesnt feel she will urinate or poo. Just let her sit there for a while for a certain time of the day.

Have a lot of patience!

Answer 5

It could very well be that she is not ready to be potty trained. Since you've already started the torture the only thing I can suggest is that when she says she doesn't need to go you leave her sit, rather than giving in to her fighting....why this torture was started to begin with is beyond me...I would have waited until she was ready.

Answer 6

When you are at home and you know that she will be needing to go to the bathroom (make sure you have no guests) let her walk around naked and I doubt that she would go to the bathroom. I have heard that most children think that it is ok to go in their pants because they have that protection of clothes and underwear.