we are working on our yearbook, and the title is Linked As One; our mascot is the hornet. this is what i have written for the people section. what do you think? i am trying to add at least three more sentences to it.
The year began, and the upperclassmen instinctively gravitated toward the companions of previous years, while the underclassmen scrutinized the courtyard, searching for a familiar face, anxious not to appear as though they were alone. Gradually, close acquaintances were either strengthened or newly formed. Within their individual circles, pupils knew they had confidants which they could lean on, comrades which they could share their fears, dreams, and hopes with. However, although most students never realized it, there was always a small, but powerful junction in the school; that junction was the pride in the stronghold the school had become.
2006-09-12 15:51:26 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous in Education & Reference ➔ Other - Education
As this year began, the upperclassmen gravitated toward the friends they had acquired over previous years. The underclassmen scoured the courtyard, searching for a familiar face; careful not to appear as though they were without a companion of some kind. As the year progressed, new acquaintances were formed and old friendships strengthened. Within their individual circles, pupils knew they had confidants which they could lean on, comrades which they could share their hopes, dreams, and fears with. Although most students never realized it, there was always a small, but powerful bond within the school; that bond was the pride in the stronghold the school had become. As this year ends, and as many more come our way, We the students can look back and remember. We can remember when we were Linked As One.
2006-09-12 16:04:48 · answer #1 · answered by stephanie f 3 · 0⤊ 1⤋
Hi there! I have made some corrections and alterations for you and added some stuff, hope that will help you :)
The year began, and the upperclassmen instinctively gravitated toward the companions of previous years, while the underclassmen scrutinized the courtyard, searching for a familiar face, anxious not to appear as though they were alone. Gradually, close acquaintances were either strengthened or newly formed. Within their individual circles, pupils knew they had confidants which they could lean on, comrades who they could share their fears, dreams, and hopes with. However, although most students never realized it, there was always a small, but powerful junction in the school; that junction was the pride in the stronghold the school had become. Now, if one can not find his/her comrades and feels left alone, surely the loneliness would last not for long. The huge circle of helpful fellows, spread throughout the institute, which take this as a duty of themselves to make everyone feel comfortable because it is necessary for every institute (which emphasis on the united ness of the people with in) to give an environment in which people easily settle their selves and start to own the institution, for it is really very important for any place’s prosperity and progress, that the people with in, feel their selves strongly attached to it, just like they do to their homes. I really feel proud to be a part of this institution which makes each of us LINKED AS ONE.
Note: Don't make any mistake while copying it. If you want to add more things into it just let me know and I'll help :)
God Bless
2006-09-13 02:36:35 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
I can't help you add any more sentences, but I would suggest a couple small changes:
"gravitated toward *their* companions (not *the*)
"the pupils knew they had confidantes on whom they could lean", comrades with whom they could share.."
You may want to finish off by elaborating a little on how the school is a junction, a crossroads where all come to meet before going separate ways later in life...... the last sentence seems to falter a bit, pride isn't really a 'junction', but pride can be a stronghold. Work on it a little more, it's coming along fine as far as presenting an idea.
2006-09-12 23:08:34 · answer #3 · answered by Squirrley Temple 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Very, very good!
I would change the part in caps:
they had confidants which they could lean on, comrades WITH WHOM they could share their fears, dreams, and hopes (delete with).
2006-09-12 22:57:06 · answer #4 · answered by Melanie L 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Typical Groupist junk. "linked as one". So, you think it's ok for little cliques and groups to form up, destroy the uniqueness of the individuals and ostracize those who don't find a way to conform to the 'norm'.
Remember: Neanderthals were the 'norm'. Humans are an offshoot, the 'fringe' of the evolutionary tree. Nature abhors the group, that's why the tigers have to scatter them once in a while.
Or did you just want spelling and grammar suggestions?
2006-09-12 22:56:30 · answer #5 · answered by auntiegrav 6 · 0⤊ 1⤋
Very Nice!
Here's the only grammar faux pas:
"confidants which they could lean on, comrades which they could share their fears, dreams, and hopes with."
You don't want to end the sentence with a preposition, and don't refer to comrades or confidants with "which", they are "whom". So simply change it to:
"confidants on whom they could lean, comrades with whom they could share their fears, dreams, and hopes."
Good luck. I hope that helps.
2006-09-12 23:26:28 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
It's good but sappy.
School sucked! Don't try to make it something its not. Just tell the truth. Say something like....in 4 years it will be over, then you can get on with more important things than having to deal with ego-tripping administrators that think they are running their own little government-society, when in fact they should just TEACH..
2006-09-12 22:53:19 · answer #7 · answered by big-brother 3 · 0⤊ 1⤋
"confidants which they could lean on, comrades which they could share their fears"
confidants who they could lean on, comrades who they could share their fears, dreams, and hopes with
People are never "which."
2006-09-12 23:07:26 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 2⤋