How do you deal with weekends with Dad?

Question

Ok...Moms or Dads....your only child spends every other weekend getting spoiled, having no rules or bedtimes and then comes home and acts like a spoiled brat from having no rules...but he's also sad because he misses his Dad. He's four and I don't think he sees his Dad enough...you know, four days per month...except July.

I KNOW that he doesn't have bedtimes or healthy diets or God Forbid, have to pick up toys at his Dad's house.

How do I help my son cope with not seeing his Dad enough..and to help my son understand why mommy makes him pick up toys, but Dad doesn't? I don't want to sling mud at my ex, and I don't think he does to me either...but, when he only sees him 4 days a month...wouldn't you spoil him too?

How would you handle this?

Answer 1

Well since dad only gets to see him 4 days a month he's probably not going to spend that time enforcing rules--but that's no excuse. Talk to his dad and tell him that because there are no rules at his house it is ruining the ones at yours.

Answer 2

My ex husband an I split up when my son was just over a year and he is now starting kindergarden. Been there believe me. He was spolied and got to do just about everything that I thought was way too much. Trust me, he will learn that there are different rules and it will come back to bite his dad. About 3 months ago my ex called begging for help with why our son was so rotten at his house yet with problems his daycare, I or my family never see.
I bought a generic chore chart but ended up making my own so that it can grow with him. I started with 4 basic responsabilities a day (brush teeth, help clear his dishes(all plastic!), put toys away (made it a race with mom), etc) He got a token each day for each thing he did. There was a huge turn around in just a day! Simple prizes....he chose dinner (at home), picked the park to go play at, choose a movie rental on a rainy day, etc....
I hope it helps and just stick with it. I cried many nights but my mom was right and it's all been worth it and I know how much he appreciates me! (most of the time...:-)

Answer 3

You have several options here; one, you should talk to your ex about keeping your son more than 4 days a month. Second, you should also talk to him about setting some boundaries. Like, his first day with dad is fun day!!! But... he has to have all of his things picked up before he leaves. You don't need to sling mud at your ex in order make it clear to your son that there are different rules at different places... for example shouting is for outdoors, whispering is used at the library. Same as - Mom serves carrots while dad allows cookies. As for bedtime - I'm sure your son understands that you work. I assume your ex has him on the weekends (?) when he ISN"T working? Well... there you go. Maybe you could extend bedtime and allow a donut for breakfast on the weekends your son is with you? My son is 8 & doesn't see his dad anymore but when he WAS around, we had "no-clean Saturdays". He could take out any toys he wanted on Saturday & they could STAY out (as long as they were "out" in his own room!)... as long as everything was picked up before dinner on Sunday night. The punishment was no Sunday night dessert. It worked out really well!! Remember though, that your son is only 4, so he may need reminders & a bit of help to get his room picked up again. Good luck!!

PS - it's good to hear that you and your ex DO get along still!!!

Answer 4

First off I am a Dad so I will give you a Dad's perspective.

You are seeing what is called a "Disney Dad" and if you are the one responsible for only 4 days per month.... accept responsibility that you are the primary cause.

Of course, unless Dad is a totally loser... all bets are off.

I think you may be slightly unfair of your interpretation of the situation.

First off a Four year old has a terrible taste for foods and so you get them to eat what you can and work in variety over time. When you only have to worry about 4 meals per month.. you won't get variety or healthy.. common sense, make it easy. Healthy on an occasional basis is not going to happen. Help them have a routine by having more time and more meals to worry about. He too will get sick of unhealthy food if Dad has to make more meals.

Dads tend to get every other weekend, either due to Dad unwilling to participate or because Mom is controlling and won't let Dad participate. I won't judge your case, each case is different. I am only telling you how it really is for us.

Why should Dads care ? Mom only lets me have the child a few days per month ?

If you want any parent to understand parenting and act like a "parent", you in this case, then give them more time and especially overnights that allow for Dad to take the child to school, get up early and be an actual part of the child's daily life. Make them get up early, feed the child and get to bed and you will cure the issue... Dad will understand real quick when he gets to do the daily routine.

How can you expect your child to follow rules if the only time Dad sees the child is non-school days ? Why go to bed early ? he doesn't have to take the child to school... Where is the incentive ?

Also do not expect your rules will apply to his home and visa-versa....the child now has two sets of rules, 3 if you include school. Deal with this and accept it.. You are now divoced, you do not control or have any say over his home. THis is why you are asking your question. The way it is now is not working. I don't know who made up your visitaiton schedule, but the child loses - BIG TIME.

Put the Child's needs first !

Be fair..I know you married him and may know him, or think you do, but you really don't know what is going on in his home, nor should you care - to a point. Dad is a parent, no better or worse than you, a parent is a parent and the child needs BOTH of you - equally as muchas possible.

Yes, lack of time may be part of your issue, often is so increase the time the child spends with Dad. Get Dad involved in the weekday daily routine. Every other day will show Dad what it takes.

You can also offer up what is called 'Virtual Visitation', the use of video calls to supplement in-person time between face-to-face visits.

Put the child first and share the parenting versus being the primary parent and expecting the other to follow your rules... and visa-versa.

Look at it this way... a child's view... You have 30 Jelly Beans, Dad only gets 4, Mom gets 26.. Is this fair ? Would you take 4 over 26 or is 15 and 15 more fair or maybe 17/13.. all depends on the facts of your situation, but closer to equal WILL show results.

Or your son gets 4 and his friend gets 26.. is this fair ? What would he think ? Is this sharing ? He is confused.

We teach our children to be polite and share... but you don't seem to be sharing... You have 26 Jelly Beans Dads only gets 4.

What do you expect to happen with your son ? What does this teach him ?

Dad is only for fun.. NOT for the daily routine.

Practice what we preach... SHARE !!

It is called Co-parenting

And you will see a vast improvement. Over time... it will take a year or so to get the routine started. Once the child is in 2nd grade, you shoudol see a happy and healthier eating child.

For more on Virtual Visitation, visit www.InternetVisitation.org
For more on Co-Parenting visit www.divorcedfathers.com/

Regards,

MG

Answer 5

Mercifully, I never had kids with my first wife....but if I had, I would some to pick my son up early and sit down to have a talk with her. I'd talk to her about, for the good of the child, we need to be on the same page and enforcing rules of bedtime, mealtime, responsibilities, etc. consistently in both houses. I would point out that we're only confusing and hurting our child when we're telling him one set of rules applies at mommy's house, and another at daddy's. Children need that consistency to feel safe and secure; and that the two of you need to work together to make the best of a bad situation.

Would you be willing to let your ex see the child more often than every other weekend? Maybe with a more regular presence in his life, he might be more willing to develop a more disciplined routine for the child instead of just spoiling him rotten on those 4 days of the month. And maybe it would help the child to see his father more often.

Best of luck to you and finding some resolution to this....

Answer 6

Sling some mud!!!

WHat is it with some parents NOT wanting to rock the boat?! Talk to your ex...tell him rules need to be followed at BOTH houses...IF you have him pick up toys at home..have him do it at dad's house too!! If you don't think he's seeing his father enough then say something~ don't be a door mat..OR let your child be a door mat...He's the REAL person being effected by not seeing his father!!

I'm sorry! BUT I was that parent!!! WHo watched my children get EVERYTHING handed to them by their absent father..THEY were lucky if they saw him ONCE a month!! The having healthy food...I wouldn't worry about that..as long as he's getting fed at dad's...let him eat chocolate cake as long as he's fed!! BUT start parenting together..or you're going to have your hands FULL when he gets older!! My ex is seeing that now that our children( 2 teenagers)are demanding more from him!

Is your ex the one who wants to see him only 4 days a month?! It's okay to let him do special things with him and spoil him a bit..but let your ex know that when it comes time for bed..he needs to set some rules too...pick up toys, put his plate iin the sink....whatever he has to do at your house...

Answer 7

I dealt with the same thing, only in reverse, when my daughter was young. She'd come home after a few days with her Mom as a completely different person, and would usually take 1-2 days to get her back to "normal". After much discussion with friends and family, we came to the conclusion that there was absolutely nothing I could do about it except learn to live with it. If I attempted to say anything to the ex, I was labeled a jerk, or worse. Wish I had better advice for you. Good luck.

Answer 8

I have this problem with my 2 year old and he is with his day 3 days a week. I make it a point to maintain the household routine no matter what goes on a dad's house. Eventually he will learn and understand the difference between the two homes, just as my little one does. Continue to be a great mom to your little one. When he gets older it will be your discipline and tough love that will make him into a respectable and gallant young man. He will appreciate that someday.

Answer 9

ok my friend is going through the exact same thing, they sat their son down and talked to him on this, and asked him what would make him more happy on this situation. his reply was to do one thing once a month with both mom and dad together and no fighting. so go to the part and play catch, go to the zoo or even just having a simple dinner at your house. it will show him that you both love him completly and its not him that caused this whole mess.

Answer 10

talk to your ex and son and tell both of them that rules have to be followed everywhere also let your son spend more time with your ex